Its kind of cool looking through my old youth pastor's website - of pictures of his family and friends... random stuff from christmas albums to pics of hurricane ike damage, etc. one album was titled roommie reunion - of his wife and i guess some roommates in college, and their reunion consisted of visiting a friends house, and renting large inflatable water slides... and its just funny to see and know him - Eric - and think that I am looking at his legacy, at what his life is all about - his kids - and how he is raising them, and how he loves them and loves to show them off - how quickly they grow up and how quickly he has grayed, etc. its just funny, and oddly encourages me to be introspective....


but whats new? me being introspective? please...

Sheryl Crow's Every Day is a Winding Road just came up on the internet radio station I listen to. It will undoubtedly be stuck in my head for days. This is the stone cold truth. That is one of those songs for me.

Brutal

The kind of guy i want to be to my friends and to people close to me (which are sometimes NOT one in the same), sometimes is not accurately reflected in my actions and my thoughts. Well, in my actions at least, via my words. My thoughts are a different story, because I think about all the great people who have come through my life, and people in my life who have described people they know and have come in contact with who have affected their life so greatly.

I think the issue is patience, but there are issues that are out of my hands when it comes to some. I cannot tell people what to do, but I can affect how my attitude matches with my actions to be the kind of guy I know that I want to be, or moreso, the kind of guy that people can trust, and feel comfortable around.

why do people insist on not believing that global warming is a problem?

HOW do people believe that increased industry, growth in population and production could NOT increase energy and heat that could cause a rise in environmental temperature. Sure, it doesn't appear that the effects will be felt during our lifetime, but after all, aren't the steps we're taking, with our jobs and families and thoughts of the future, not for us after all? Aren't they for the future - kids, grandkids, etc?

Tell you what, if you want to believe that its all made up and its a bunch of political propoganda, believe what you'd like. But if you can make some steps to be a little more conscious of the issue, and your personal effect, good for you, you're thinking a little more broadly than before. And everyone appreciates someone who thinks about the welfare of others.

these are gonna be random thoughts


i bet you wish more people read your blog (this is probably not referring to YOU)


blogs have replaced mass emails, for some, mostly families, as emails have replaced massive letters "family updates: Janice got married recently, Bobby is off at college, and John and I are trying to figure out just what to do with our lives. Jimminy Cricket, where did the time go?!"

...and communication continues to become depersonalized



awkward interaction between me and older supply chain guy at work. i gave him some papers to look over and tell me a/b what he knew about them. 3 weeks later, he hasn't got back to me (to be fair, i told him there was no rush, but i needed them in 1.5 weeks), and as i passed him in the hall, we made awkward eye contact, because i had asked him about it before, and he said he was working on it, but he stopped kinda as we passed, looked up briefly, only halfway turned, and then i looked up at him, and he kinda started walking again, then kinda stopped, and i just walked on. it was so awkward for him, and i just found it so terribly funny. ha.



Some people REALLY can't let go. And i find that these people are the same people who don't understand interactions.

Again, people who have lived their lives and not been open to a different way of doing things, are easy to spot as adults. People who think that "a different way of doing things" means that you should live in a tree house and become Muslim, obviously lack perspective, and couldn't be changed anyway.



Hey, relax.





I pray for excitement, I pray for challenge, and I pray for the opportunity to see the world, and all the diverse things God created.



I pray against the status quo, and the way things are, but for finding truth in all situations.








Tracy McGrady has been sitting out for 4 games, and has been paid over 1,000,000 USD.

some people can't let go.

some parents can't let go.

some people don't want adventure.

any relationship who's main form of communication is through text message, lacks genuine communication.


texting back and forth is essentially like emailing each other back and forth really quickly.

when you step out and do it, you really can't be touched.

i mean, don't get me wrong. you'll be touched, and it may not be a soft caress, but when you're touched later in life, and you have the opportunity to show and teach and grow and lead... you are in a hell of a position with experience under your belt.

some brave ones step out quickly. others bide their time. either way, the best ones know that words without actions reflect:

lack of discipline
overbearing fear
self-conscious limitations
the status F*CKING quo


good job: Billy



take the time to deal with the internal unease, but if you spend too much time pouring inward. you'll drown in a river of self.

God: the river is life

The Killers: the river is wild

ergo: life is wild




I hope you're happy, general populous, settling down to a comfortable circumstance, with no end in sight, and no plans for adventure. Go crazy.

are you gonna move to canada?

didn't think so.

has your life changed now?
didn't think so.

are you so scared, just scared out of your mind that your family will be harmed, or America will go downhill?

probably so, but your fear is unfounded, and you lack faith that the Lord is control, and that things will be fine.

i'll tell you this: the Lord doesn't care at all who is in office, He can work through both.

Obama is in.



Besides, it makes me sick that people only care about politics and elections once ever 1300 days or so. bleh. if you really cared, you would know and be involved more in local politics.



i don't like an unbalanced senate and congress though. that kinda bugs me.


oh, and Obama will put in some republicans in his cabinet. so that should make you happy.



oh, and just chill out, and don't be dramatic. that kind of drama was over in 7th grade.

its almost as if no one gives any candidates a fair shake.

some people have their minds made up that no matter how terrible one candidate of a party is, the other (no matter who that is) will have to be worse by default.

and i don't think that is how we should operate. to me, that is a myopic stance, where only few issues matter, and opinions never change.

quite honestly, i don't believe God smiles upon our devisive politics and party systems. i do believe that the Lord is disappointed when we sling mud, and villify one of his sons or daughters. we are taught, above all, to love, and though we may not support one's viewpoints, becoming blindly irate at the person, is counter to that

ya know what pisses me the hell off?

people thinking that the money they have is theirs.

its not yours, my God. what did you do to DESERVE IT? and what do you think you are entitled to do with it?

if you're a christian... there are plenty of different scriptures about money, and our bible study is going to begin looking at them - which makes me excited - but you should have the overall idea that they money you have - was given to you - over and above anything you need or deserve... and for people to say so ignorantly and pompously - "its my money" or "i don't want MY MONEY GOING TO PEOPLE WHO NEED IT"... aka government programs... wow that's hypocrisy at its finest



a fine display of hypocrisy.


now don't get me wrong, i'm not a huge fan of MASSIVE government programming. but i think that our perspective of money - specifically when it comes to 'ownership' and 'government intervention', some people don't take a second to think how Christ would have shown love and met needs through money.



and why the hell are you so scared of change?


also, if you believe in God's sovereignty, then you believe that he has ordained who the next president is. so no matter who is in the office, the Lord has placed him there for his purposes.

don't you agree?

or

do you agree?

the months seem to fly by, and i find myself in a routine that is not the greatest.

last night at bible study, we talked about breaking the routine, and its something that i must do... if not, i fail...

and i have to get off of the idea of making it happen FOR MYSELF, BY MYSELF.

its an egocentric way to think - when i know that my emotions and thoughts are best managed through a lens that bends light first toward God, then toward others and myself.



refraction.
thats a cool word

in the middle of my cube farm, there is a workspace. This workspace, down at our end of the giant area, stays fairly neat. So neat, in fact, that the staplers are always lined up, and the binder clips are put neatly at the back of the work bench.

And when i go over to use the giant auto stapler, and staple remover, and sometimes when i just walk by, i pull out the staplers and turn them sideways, and generally throw off the balance of the table.

i think its because i want to teach a lesson.

people who want to keep things organized like that, and are ok with a little mess, must be DIFFERENTIATED from the people who want to keep things organized like that, and are completely thrown off, and cannot work, or cannot walk buy when they are VERY BUSY without fixing the table...


the former, i'm ok with... because for a majority of the time, i'm one of them. i like things neat, but i know better than to expect things (both little and big) to stay organized and neat all the time.


and i think for the latter, it speaks to an internal insecurity that worries me greatly. if its sets off something in them that they have to fix, and have to be in control of, even though it is not theirs... they are in a state of mind that is not healthy.

now, a counter argument is that "its not a big deal, we're talking about staplers..."

to which i respond... exactly... i always like stirring up a little trouble on things that are not a big deal.

then again, to these people it is a big deal, and they should learn to not treat things like this as such... they may need to change the way they've been doing things


which is why it pisses me the hell off to hear people at age 23 or 24 say "oh this is just how i do things..." or "oh this is just the way it goes" when responding to a criticism of sorts...

shut the hell up, and find a better way to do things. try something new. don't get stuck in a rut and placid, because that can be so damaging.

doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... maybe thats what you want.

maybe safety is found in the arms of routine.

but wait, safety is found in risk... calcuated, yes; and otherwise

yellow - 5
green - 4
brown - 11
red - 6
blue - 15
orage - 17

yellow - 5
green - 4
brown - 11
red - 6
blue - 15
orage - 17

Even if the Astros don't make the playoffs, which they probably won't, I still have hope for the next season... its a far cry from my extreme disappointment during the middle of this year...

we finished strong, and thats great. it may not result in the playoffs, which sucks so much, but its a good building ground for next year...

next year...

the future...


sheesh

people believe what they want to believe.

and stubborn people who are rarely wrong, do so even more.

i have 2 such people around me often, and i don't remember when they said the words.. "whoops, i was completely wrong about that" or... someone said something to them, that made them stop and change their mind.

i think that is just so ridiculous. maybe its because i'm wrong often, and have to admit it, that i feel like this.

but some people just hate to be wrong, more than they hate to look like an ignorant bastard (bastardette)

i can't believe its thursday already.

the weeks seem to go by so fast, and to me, since i only work 4 hrs on friday (most of the time), thursdays are like fridays to me.

it really amazes me how fast the weeks have flown by now that i've got work to do, and have been included in my group here at work. Its a face paced jobs sometimes, and other times its been pretty slow. Next week is the last week of the month for us, and we're gonna be busier, but its been nice to have a less stressful week at work.

resources are a non-issue in a large large company. pens, paper, printers, computers, they are all just expendable, and not a thought on managers minds. order 3 dozen new nice pens? done. print off things 5 times in color - 100 page packets? done.

i dunno how i feel about that. i'm conflicted

i feel like i'm going slower than everyone else before me.

i know things will work out... but it will all be a bitter apple for me if i learn later that it took me longer than everyone who's been here before

I'm just overwhelmed by it all... there's so much going on right now, and its not even about me.


i'm floating along in relatively mundane existence and people all around me are going through things


although i too am going through things.






[i'm so glad i'm not particular or obsessive enough to correctly punctuate and flow my blogs...]




but overwhelmingly i want to support those who are going through things - in those circumstances. newly married couples and problems, newly graduated friends looking for jobs, newly renewed relationships looking for leadership, and newly freshened perspectives on a whole range of things. i know that the key to it all is holding tight to things i know as truth. things i know to be fail-proof, and i know only of one. i know that God has been consistent in allowing me to go through things i can handle, and giving me problems to sort through, and giving me ridiculous blessings overall.




thats great




also, if sarah palin went to your home church, how might her daughter be looked upon in the youth group... 17 years old, pregnant?








also, how cool of a name is bristol?







also, when you make statements as if they are facts, try and back them up with objective information. not subjective conjectures.



especially if you are a leader.


i find myself trying to justify things with no ground to stand on sometimes. things that i really want to be true...



but the truth, in every situation, will be the final word.

i'm not quite sure if i believe the following death cab line. part of me believes its true. its just a little morbid.

"love is watching someone die"



i guess that is what sarah said, in the song "what sarah said".




love is watching, and helping someone LIVE. really live. but i guess that love is also watching someone die... at the end of a life... well lived, through a supportive relationship... of any kind

politics is back. once again i find myself at the end of questions from all over the place... regarding politics and people, etc.

i don't understand... why do people get so upset about potential policies.




events happen and things change... and i want everyone to understand that the end of the world is not going to be based on politics.




why are there a lot of bowties at the RNC? they look pompous.





i kind of wish i was in the middle of it, but i think that i am going to face enough stress and frustration talking with people who won't take an objective stance.


now who says that anyone has to come at any situation with complete objectivity? i suppose you don't have to.



i'm watching the RNC... and seeing mccain give his acceptance speech. he keeps getting awkwardly interrupted by the crowd shouting "USA"... and i don't get it.


i like palin. i think that she is a good shake up for this election. i really think that she might be the best candidate for any available position in this election.





i think its power that drives people to be so devoted to the political game.



i see the attractiveness of power too. there's a whole other level up there, and i think i may be a part of it one day... and i know that i can take a grounded stance with me wherever i go... i can evaluate it, and rethink it, and change it where necessary... but keep the grounded basis just that.

everyone is going to say "oh well its not a huge shock that we lost"

but thats bullshit. BULL ... SHIT.

we don't schedule Arkansas state to lose in the first game of the season... AT HOME.

what the hell?

here i am and i'll take my time
here i am and i'll wait in line, always
always

...but coffee helps too












oh and also, i feel hope. i trust that my plans, full of holes, are not enough, and i can trust in plans greater.






lots of hope. for your boy daniel.







and for his boy wes

I know that this job is good for me. But I can't exactly put my finger on what is really stressing me out. Maybe its my managers who stress themeselves out. Maybe its the upper managers who put the pressure on.

I dunno. But whatever it is, is stressing me out. And thats just brutal.

But stress can be a good thing. But it can hurt, especially when you want to just encourage and support a lot of people that are close to your heart.




Some people like being busy and stressed though, and i don't understand that at all. Most of the time, these people talk about being so busy and having lots to do. Is it a pride thing? Why do you want to be busy and not have a great deal of downtime?


Balance is the (obvious, freaking) key to it all.


Balance the work


Balance the pouring out, and being poured into.


I think thats what brings me back to the basis of my blog... community and interaction

I wonder what people assume about us.


Assuming will get you in trouble. I've learned this, and i'm sure YOU'VE learned this too.

i'm so incredibly jealous right now. i've just read over 2 of my friends blogs about their summers. they describe having an incredible summer, learning so much, experiencing so much. one of them was in DC , and was describing her experiences, and i just had this instant upsetness at how much i miss that city, and how much i enjoyed my summer there. what a city. i guess i should be glad that they get to experience that city, and have a great time, but man - i'm jealous of an "experience".


but i guess i shouldn't be, because although i might be bored sometimes in my day to day grind of a job, i know that i am building for the future, working and going through some frustrating time at work, and eventually i'll be able to experience things greater than a summer fling with a city.

i'm so lucky, i realize this. i'm very lucky. more lucky than i feel like i deserve.


ahh and its so frustrating to conflict with myself, about enjoying where i am, and appreciating where i am, witih wanting to be out, and doing things, and challenging, and experiencing, and ahhh man.





what a great time i've had over the past few years, and maybe i haven't completely moved on. but only in memory. i'm not planning on thinking about college often, but when i do, i miss the experiences, some experiences, a great deal.





but i'm in a good place.






right? right. right? right. right?

I got kinda nostalgic recently when I looked at a facebook page - a friend of mine who is going to be a freshman at A&M. I remember the exact feelings of that first week, of my parents pulling out of my dorm's parking lot, of the thoughts such as "wow, i can stay out as late as i want" or "i can go visit anyone" or "i'm on my own... for real"

and those thoughts just touched my heart. it was such an amazing time - living in the dorms - meeting a few guys there who's weddings i was in, who will be at mine, we'll be friends till we die. Then there was football games... going to the first game and having no clue what to expect. nervous hang outs with cute college chicks, frustration and anxiousness at tough classes. excuses to get involved on campus. cold walks to my classes during the winter months. seeing aggie muster for the first time.

my God, do i miss it.


I remember meeting my roommates, and getting to know them. I remember who dated who and who liked who. Its kinda funny how that stuff sticks.

and honestly, i still view myself as that young kid, 19 years old, no clue what he wants... just now - i make money, i live in Dallas, and all day i work... instead of go to class, ride my bike, watch movies and hang out w/ friends. things change.


and i guess thats the cool part of it.

its tough working with a suspected workaholic. my dad made a good point... they will usually underestimate how long they are here.

i've put in good work this week... though its slow and not as contributory* as i'd like... i'm making progress, learning the system and thats a good thing. we got in at 7am most of the days this week, and yesterday at 545 i asked if there was anything else i could do, or if i could finish up in the morning, to which my supervisor, with his 3 kids and a wife, asked me "you got something you gotta do?"

and i stammered and stuttered and said "eh, well i guess..." and he cut me off with the ole "no, its cool man, go ahead, bro... take off"

and our job isn't the one keeping the company afloat. its important to our boss, and its a great job... its preparing him to brief people, but i think people sometimes just wanna work... and not go home. and that's not my issue...

but i'm still pretty good sometimes

even with important things i sometimes have a way of procrastinating them. i got a speeding ticket in jewett a while back, and instead of taking care of it right away, i waited till the last day before i called in, and then the told me i had 10 days to mail stuff in. so sure enough, i waited until the 10th BUSINESS day to mail stuff in and i called to make sure this was ok.

it was not. they said i was long over due, but they let me send stuff in 'late'. it was hanging over my head, and whenever i thought about it... it caused just a slight bit more stress to an already stressful past few weeks.


stress seems to pop up out of nowhere sometimes, and that sucks


work is getting better/worse sometimes... but its going faster... which is nice. it makes that week in between paychecks (this one) go by much faster... because the following week, i get a nice $++++ to my bank account.



i have 2 friends without jobs, and i'm bewildered by it. they are far more qualified than me, and capable of staying organized and on top of things more than me, and they both had jobs taken away from them.



which reminds me how lucky i get. i got lucky that i knew lindsey working at this job, and that an opportunity opened up. and i got lucky that i had a good interview with the big boss, and he offered me a better job once i got here. i got lucky to get a corner apartment with a huge balcony. i'm lucky to be dating my girlfriend. i'm lucky to have no debt.

i'd rather be lucky than good


thats for damn sure

i understand double checking things over and over... but sometimes you can go overboard.



one of the things that i was told about my job was to make mistakes.... after checking things only a certain number of times, you need to go with it. i'm getting really frustrated this morning, because my boss is being a little hyperactive and making me re-check work that i've already re-checked... and i guess he's trying just to teach me at some point... and he's a finance/accounting guy by trade... so he's a little anal as they come. this is a good thing as a lead analyst, and i'm sure i'll get there too... but sometimes its a little much. and it can really irritate...

I've got a bad feeling and its probably about something different than you think.

big

happy freaking birthday

garrett haake says that he reads blogs all day. i doubt he reads mine.

i doubt as many people read mine as have in the past, and thats kinda a bummer. i see well popular blogs from my a&m network ... like justin wolfshol and mason king's, and i realize that i'm a fringe blogger. now, it stands to be noted that i've been blogging longer than anyone i know, except alfie vittone, but i do enjoy it, even if few people read.

i don't suspect i'm coming up on a time in my life where i'll be able to blog often, but God knows i'll try... i'll try and be honest, and try not to be afraid of typing what i think and feel... like i did long ago, just because some people read my blog.

honesty is easiet with others, and hardest with yourself

there are some jobs where you probably shouldn't be on facebook. here's what i think they are:

a medical doctor
a psychologist
a school teacher
a police officer


i think that if i saw any one of these professionals on facebook, they would become a lot less professional to me. and in each of these professions, professional appearance and confidence is paramount.

M&M bag 7/15

orange: 16
blue: 14
red: 6
green: 10
yellow: 8
brown: 2




brutal brown.

it is definitely a bummer... but sometimes, you can see a breakup coming.

there's a girl i know, and she was not riding a winning horse. it was quite the opposite. i hope she learns. because she's pretty cool.

also, its definitely a bummer, when girls don't get anywhere near the game, because they think they are not supposed to even like sports. that's too bad. social, nay... judeo-christian/psychosocial expectations cage their minds, and make many peoples' hearts sore. love

thats brutal

This past weekend was the fourth of July holiday. I spent some time in Houston with some friends, and especially my girl Jenny.


Around the Fourth of July holiday, there are an unusually ample number of "that's what she said" opportunities. Some of them are not too good, but some are very good. Topics range from traditional 4th activities such as barbecues to baseball games to fireworks... they might include:

-Why don't you rub down the meat before putting it in there?
-Do you have anything to put on these, they're pretty dry...
-Hey, can you get my back...
-We've been waiting here for a while, do we have to wait till dark?
-Wow, that one was huuuge!
-I didn't like that one very much
-I can't believe I spent that much money, for only a few minutes excitement






Although i thought about writing this blog over the weekend, it wasn't nearly as funny as i thought it would be.


you need to start a blog.

settle down for a little bit now, adventure when the time is ripe.


ok. i can do that.

m&m count:

red: 6 (+1 broken; '7')
brown: 7
blue: 11
orange: 12
yellow: 9
green: 14


and you know what they say about the green ones

here's who i've noticed gets on facebook the most:

not necessecelery in any order:

-unemployed graduates
-young, married wives
-nosy adults
-bored workers


do people feel the need to update everyone on what they're doing all the time? Some people do. What did young, married couples (wives) do about sharing wedding photos before there was facebook and flickr? How would anyone know that Sarah is visiting her best friends in the world?! REUNION, or that Johnny wishes he didn't have to go to work.

Believe me, i'm a bored worker right now, but once i stop being a bored worker, i'll spend a lot less time on facebook. Its not as though i spend hours on it now. But, since I have been on it during the peak hours of the working day 8am - 5pm... the conversations, and wall posts, and photo album edits, etc. that i have noticed are absolutely by mostly people in these categories (save the last, i just mention bored workers ... because they are the simple observers, with a rare comment here and there)

I don't know what's creepier... adults who are on facebook too much, or young single dudes that are on facebook too much? I think both might believe that a relationship may be kindled thereupon.

I also don't know what's greater... productivity (profits, revenues, and earned value) lost by a corporation who allows facebook to be accessed, or the hours wasted by the 4 aforementioned groups on facebook, when they could all be doing more productive things...

but then again... when has productivity and work ever been more fun than viewing vacation and "summer 2k8" photos?

i don't think i can say some of the things i want to say on my blog anymore.

i think my cutoff might be 1975+.

i think.

so if you were born before 1975... don't bother.

its "take your kids to work day" here at Raytheon. i'm bored, so i decided to go zoink one of the free duncan donuts. as i walk down to the cafeteria area, i observe 3 different situations that i found very funny. 1 made me laugh out loud.

1. Man sitting down in front of a tri-fold board about the Native American Employees Association - his co-worker/friend has obviously stopped to introduce his children. As I pass, i hear the demonstrator say to his friend's 14/15 yr old daughter, "Yah, I have one, too. She looks like you, She's a little shorter, a little bit thinner, and has lighter hair."

So i processed it, and then realized that this girl was easily old enough to have been insulted by it. [insert reminiscence of awkward middle school pubescent-developmental stages]. Then it occured to me - I hadn't really got a good look at this girl. So i thought, "hmm do I turn around and take a quick glance... not yet... wait till I'm a little bit farther down the hall..."

[daniel glances]

The girl really wasn't that chubby. I mean, I've got some chub to me, and she did, too. But I found it very funny, and let out a chuckle (man, that word is weird), and smiled as i went down the hall.

2. I'm walking behind a dad and his 2 sons, when I hear the middle school-aged son blurt out: "Oh, dad! At band camp, Johnny brought these cookies, they were shaped like little people, they were so good, and we ate them all the time."

This isn't that funny, but i did want to record that I actually heard a sincere "this one time at band camp..." quotation

3. I'm walking behind a dad and his daughter. Daughter (13-15?ish?) walks past a doorway, sees the silver, rounded square button of a handicapped access door opener, and punches it. Dad: "don't do that". I thought it was funny, dad instructs her to abstain from impulsively acting, 15 seconds after the fact.


Thats it. This wasn't as funny as I thought it would be. Good news: i get to leave work in 35 minutes. What about you?

Here are the results of a little observation/counting.
My hypothesis is true - there are more of my 'friends' who have taken only their new name, and not included their old maiden name.

Maiden name in facebook name: 26
(those with 'maiden' name in single quotation marks): 10
Only new (husband's) name: 34

hyphenated: 1

i discussed this with jenny last night: why some of my married friends dropped their maiden names on facebook, and others do not. and i think my thoughts were fairly accurate.

i'll do a count today, since i'll probably be bored, of my married friends, and how many kept their old names on facebook account, and who didn't. but i'm gonna go out and say - i think there might be more who only took their new name, and didn't put their old name on their facebook profile.

i'll qualify "friends" as this - i'm friends with them on facebook, or if i don't know them, i know (am friends with) their husband.

stay tuned.



oh, you need to blog.

this was great bag of original skittles:

yellow -- 11
green -- 11
orange -- 9
purple -- 9
red: 19

COMMUNITY>COFFEE

i've realized a few things this morning.

as i'm waiting for my clearances here at my new job, i'm amazingly bored. i have done very little substantive work, and its kinda been wearing on me. its ok - because i know that this is part of the industry i work in. i just wish it could speed up a little bit. for all of the new hires waiting for clearances, there is a huge room they call "the colony"... where they all wait together till they get cleared, then they go up with their supervisors to do classified work. my boss found a place for me up in our building just outside of the classified area (where i don't have access to yet), where i can be close, sit in on some meetings, and meet some of the people who i'll be working with.

but strangest thing... in my little cube, in my little hall, i have met 1 of the 6 people around me, and not surprisingly i'm sleepy and bored. I realized this - i don't need coffee when i have community. if i could come in the morning and say hello to people around me, and get to work with these people, etc. I would not be yawning and nearly falling asleep, and needing coffee, and watching the clock as hours creep by.

i know thats how it goes, but i do know that i realized for me, its incredibly important that I have people around me.

funny thing just happened... 2 young guys just stopped by my office - and Lindsey, my friend who told me about the opening here, told me about them - nice guys who are in our department. it was great to meet them, and i look forward to working with them. ha. its funny how that happens - literally right in the middle of me writing about community.

i can't wait to get started on my program- i just met my program manager... seems like a really nice guy. he's the guy i'll be reporting to.


---


Also recently, i've been conflicted, or my thoughts have just been stirred about a topic - blue collar work. or not blue collar work per se, but work that doesn't necessarily require highly skilled training or education. i'll explain... there is a nice guy i've seen around the campus here - he wears this cool bank of america hat, and he's black. he is some kind of maintenance guy/staff support - i'm not sure what his title is, but he's really nice. i don't know what kind of training he has or what his story is, or what education he has... etc. but i know this: if i was in a position like that, i think that i would be a little bitter. now i must be clear here - i want to explain how humbled i feel to have got to the position i am in - i have an incredible job, and got to get my masters in 5 years, and i don't necessarily feel like i've earned the things that i have... which i guess is good... i'm amazingly grateful to my parents, to my friends, to the Lord, for all that i have - opportunities, importantly.

what i am NOT saying is that this guy is unhappy, or unfulfilled, or upset, or bitter, or angry, or jealous, or whatever. i don't know his mindset, and quite honestly - i will ALWAYS wish peace and happiness upon people - doing whatever they want as a job, serving wherever they feel led, etc. i know that people won't find soul-filling happiness outside of the Lord, but i do know that they can enjoy what they do, if they enjoy what they do. my observation is simply this - that if i was in a position like his, ***and i knew that i was capable of more*** i would not enjoy it, and might hold a bit of resentment. now, i can't truly know if i would feel this, because i haven't been in a situation like that, yet. but i'm just conjecturing, and blogging, and this is where i like to share some thoughts.

i'll tell you this much too, you should probably start blogging, and stop just reading. this is directed at someone different.


the astros are doing fairly poorly as of late, but thats ok.

i'm really bummed that payday is still a week away, and i've been workign for a week and a half. brtual.

jenny is so great. this girl is really special.

don't vote for john mccain because your mother wants you to.


or because your father wants you to.


vote for john mccain because YOU believe he's the best candidate.


but i'm forced to type here that you can vote for john mccain for whatever reason you want. but if you're over 21 and/or married and/or graduated and/or strong enough to think independently...

i think i'm almost past the edge, crescendo, tipping point, next big thing, etc.

actually i think i'm in the middle of it. and i'm not scared. i thought i would be a little scared, but i'm not. i'm more nostalgic than anything - and not of anything beyond 2 or 3 years ago. perhaps thats because in the past 2 - 3 years i have figured a lot of things out. these things are not limited to the following:


- that me and my parents have become closer, as well as me and my brother
- that age is not as big a deal as it seems, or has seemed to me
- that i can't stand things that are "just the way they are"
- that i know of no other thing greater than the unselfish love of the Lord
- that i know that God loves us, and hates what we've done in classification and judgement
- i won't be doing any one thing for an extended period of time, for a while...
- i love people more than i even thought
- i've chilled out, and thats a great thing
- talk a lot less
- a lot less
- a hell of a lot less
- everyone gets lonely. even young married couples. even happily social individuals. even businessmen. even parents who have less to do than before.
- people can become far too stingy.
- people need to get out of debt quickly
- people who do things that are far below their talent level - will eventually feel unfulfilled and disappointed in themselves
- i'm glad when people figure out that sometimes the reason they are bored, is because they sit idly on their hands, missing the challenge they once thrived on, grew from, learned from, and blanaced SO WELL.
- move along
- proximity
- patience

no one updates their blogs that often. good bloggers do. maybe i'm not one. maybe i am.

insomnia.

i think its interesting to see blogging's popularity increase over the years. i have seen numerous friends start blogging, then fall off, some even start again, then disappear.

not to say that there were a few months at a time when i didn't blog, but still... i've been at this game for a while. and i'm glad. i'm not even a very good blogger. the pro-bloggers update more often and have more insightful things to say. in fact, there is only a rare blog of mine that is dynamic, and or funny or exciting. with that being said. i'm proud to have a random blog that menas a great deal to me and few other people.

if you're reading this and don't understand me; know this - i believe in communication and community, and relationships. and i believe that these things occur and develop most in this order: face-to-face, via the telephone, via written comm, then digital/modern media.

any relationship begun in any way other than face-to-face, lacks a bit of sincerity, and has more room for error, at lease INITIALLY. development can take it into a better realm, but not without a great deal of work.

that being said, anyone who does not pursue realtionships in their community, i believe is missing out on a great deal.


THAT being said, pursuing too many realtionships can cause problems, and i'm one to know.

but closing yourself off to only a few, i think, can be boring and can take away an edge of your personality. certainly, there shouldn't be 5 new relationships brewing in your life at any random point, but i think you see what i'm saying. i guess its because i hate when people are WAYYYY too comfortable. don't get me wrong - i'm certainly one who likes to be comfortable. i know that there is a time and place for it, too. and i can't wait to enjoy some comfortable time in my new life in dallas. but i always want to grow. and so should you.

i think that a true artist does not care what people think of their art. they do not care whether the song they write or the poetry they compose is received well by an audience, or not. they just do it. so when someone says "you need to appreciate the bravery and fear that an artist must accomplish", i can do so. however, i won't respect it as much as the artist with the attitude that says "to hell with what you think, i'm in love with my art. i'm in love with the way i express it, and the way i create it, and the way it touches my soul."

i think that those times where an artists' creations are received well and enjoyed by an audience (the larger the better, most likely), must be icing on the proverbial cake. if you don't like someones' art, thats fine. but appreciate their passion in making it.

and even if you don't, true, obsessed artists couldn't give a damn what you think.



i think thats why bands like radiohead and oasis have been around for a while, and even though their creations aren't as well received in the United States as other artists, they have enjoyed careers that span decades and sleep under the glow of grammies and platinum Billboard awards.

The idea of middle-to-late aged women sitting around during the middle of the day and looking at facebook profiles and picture albums - bothers me. Isn't the whole idea of community slightly sabotaged when communication, congratulations, rejoicing, and encouragement take the form of keyboards and mini-feeds?

I enjoy facebook for any number of reasons... not the least of which is ease and convenience of communication. However, a social-networking tool such as facebook is, was not initially designed to be a spy-tool, a gossip-wheel, or a PRIMARY means of communication... especially for individuals in parental positions and with responsibilities far greater than a term paper or reading reviews.

Still, I must express my belief in freedom of individuals to do whatever they would like. To that end, I blieve greatly in personal liberty to join or do or say anything, so long as it does not infringe or drastically impair the common rights of others, to that same liberty.

all at once, the world can overwhelm me.

i got AA back to back. the first time, i end up scooping a pot (275), on a sick, sick call. board reads K-8-2-10-7, dumbass makes it 65 after i check it to him, and when he value bet 65, i looked at the pot, and decided to gamble.

he said: I got a pair.
i said: how big?
he said: real small
railbirds: "hurry up guys..."
i said: turn it up

i said: ship it.

i love my brother so much

derek webb is not afraid to write lyrics that ring true, and will ruffle feathers. he bases so much of his music, and specifically his lyrics, in truth, and love. and if you haven't figured out that love takes the form of upsetting people sometimes, then welcome to life.

"there are two great lies that i've heard.
the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die.
that jesus christ was a white, middle-class republican, and if you wanna be saved, you have to learn to be like him."

i learn from people i don't expect to learn from, sometimes. sometimes, those people are people that i THINK i DON'T want to learn from.

i just ran into my advisor here at the Bush school and it literally has been over a year since i spoke with her. students are matched up with advisors, and i'm not sure how often everyone meets theirs, but the only thing i asked of her was to approve my internship form for last summer. anyhow, as i'm up here on a sunday morning (gasp) I forgot my access card at home, and she was walking in and could get into the building. so she recognized me and said, how are you doing, haven't seen you in a while... etc. then asked me about jobs. i told her that i'd likely have a choice between DoD in DC or Raytheon in Dallas, and she gave me a piece of advice i had heard before but i really believe now... go do the job that will give you more specific training and experience. and right now the cost controls job at raytheon will do that.

but the other night, many of my grad student buddies gave me grief for possibly passing up on the opportunity to work in the five-sided building.

and there's the idea of having great community already there in Dallas. although i don't doubt i could find community in DC. and theres jld

Standing on a building
I am a lightning rod
And all these clouds are so familiar
Descending from the mountain tops
The gods are threatening
But I will return an honest soldier

coffee seems more effective on friday.

wow, when it rains, it pours.

hfbi
dr
wdcdod

i don't get it sometimes.

dammit why is it that some people just take and take and don't give

sometimes i give my friend brad a ride. often times it is done at the last second as he's late for class, or doing something. and tonight, as i'm relaxing at watching a movie for class, then napping... a few things that i enjoy as "leisure" he cannot go drop off one of our other roommates for a test. i don't get it. he always asks for rides, but doesn't usually give them. its frustrating. i hardly EVER ask for a ride, partially because i like being self sufficient and do not enjoy being at the mercy of others for something that i could probably do myself.

also, i try my best to express my feelings, and i hate leaving something unresolved with anyone. i don't care if its my mom, if its a recruiter for a company or any one of my friends, i hate walking away from something without making some kind of attempt at a resolution. it just sucks.


i doubt anyone has been reading my blogs since high school, nor do i think people would be interested in looking at my archives, but like i've said numerous times, i don't write this blog FOR anyone. its a vent for myself. so accordingly, i welcome comments, but will make few apologies.

"a real man makes his own luck"

-billy zane, titanic

i find it very funny that political discussions and political passions seemed to have faded, or at least been put on the backburner for the time being. it is very telling of the overall idea of political interest, only when there is a vote, or a huge political issue, do people begin to take sides, talk about issues, and debate passionately. over the past few weeks since the primaries, i have been engaged in increasingly less political conversations. i find it funny, because, like some sports fans, some "politically interested people" are fair-weather.

i'm not sure why, but i'm extending my desire for challenge to this.


you annoy me, r

lauren lewis passed away a few days ago, and even though i didn't know her, many of my friends did. looking at her profile and reading different things, i am reminded how lucky i am. how lucky everyone is. i've lost 4 people i would consider friends during college - friends who's number i had in my cell phone. all to car accidents.

please be safe. please. enjoy every moment. i feel like a 13 year old writing on her myspace page, but its true. i can't tell you how true it is.

i'm surprised that i have such a sorrowful feeling, and sadly it reminds me of that time i felt it during the past few years.  usually my thoughts on death are pretty deterministic and 'real'; but this feels different. 

wow

wow i really am sad for her friends, and sad that she didn't get to experience life past 20. 

life has to be valued, and not wasted. don't waste your time.

wow

man

wow

i told my manager last night at Fish Daddy's (i'm a server there) 2 things; and i told him that i mean both of them seriously.

1. i will stay on as long as you need me, to the end of the shift (10pm) if need-be
2. i have an extremely complex assignment coming up and i was out of town in DC all last week and weekend; thus i have a hell of a lot of work to do.

he tells me that he's looking to get out early too (not facetious), and was looking to make cuts quickly and get us checked out and home.

so sure enough, i try to be extra nice, bust my ass, clearing my tables (pre-bussing) before the busboys wipe down the tables, do my sidework, stay on top of things... and he even complements me on my efforts - pretty unusual... and keeps me on till 10pm. i was very upset. i really felt like this guy, only 2 yrs older than me @ 25, was testing me, to see if i would complain to him, etc. i was pissed, so upset. i even came in early too. man that sucked. and so i tried my best to keep it to myself - and i managed to do a good job, and i didn't gossip and talk behind his back like everyone else does when the managers piss them off. but i just felt tested, and i didn't like it - especially form a guy who i get along with very well, and have good conversations with and business, mangement, etc....

i mean come on.


the whole time though, i was upset, i kept reminding myself that i want to be a man of my word. obviously i wouldn't have walked out of the resturaunt, but i wanted to have such a bad attitude, and be so pissy to him; instead i just avoided him, and got my shit done. but come on.

i'm not freaking out completely about my school work, as i have a job offer. its in DC, and i'm excited. its looking like i may end up there - in DC at least for this next year. and that makes me excited. even though there is a cute blond/blue in waco.



like i tell people often, i love challenge, i love being challenged, and last night was one of those times. it was tough, and i was pissed, but thats how you grow. i guess.

i'm in DC for capstone, and its been very fun. i had a great night last night, and more importantly, i had great, challenging, stimulating conversation. man i love conversation.

its really cold here too

i'm not sure what i'm gonna do about the job offer.

again, i spoke of challenge and tough times - how everyone goes through them and how i think that they should.

in class just now, my friend gave up her seat to a classmate because 'it was his seat'.

i don't get that.

if people get upset over little things like that, then they lack perspective. they lack a perspective of temperment, a perspective of interaction, and slightly, a perspective of people.

be uncomfortable

its a world that few people know. and even fewer want to know it. its where grown men (and women) can compete and be brave.

its where you can compete, win, and lose.  

its a world that i enjoy, not love, enjoy.  and right now - that world has been as cold as f*3830g hell. 

its so cold, and i want to be so upset and angry. i want to be so mad and ludicrous and irate, but i'm fighting it.  i need some help dealing with it - and i really have only 1 friend who knows about it.  he's a good friend, he's loyal and intelligent and i'm so proud of him; so proud that he is one of my boys.

dammit i'm so mad.

listening to ghostland observatory (check them out on myspace or search for them in itunes)

brings me back to ACL - I had an amazing time. Simply amazing.  It was there that I began to like this sweet girl named Jenny Diamond. 

It was an incredible weekend - not to mention one of my best friends Will Lanier. He's over in England working on his graduate work in Philosophy at Oxford. Also - I love his girlfriend Dawn.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today - she was telling me that she couldn't imagine dating this guy (who she had gone on 1 date with) who wanted to settle down on his family ranch near Austin - because she would be 5 hours away from her family.  I get it. I get that she loves her family and they are always together - never far apart - only miles separate their houses - but I just am reminded of how necessary it is for us to be challenged, to be uncomfortable.  I wanted to just impart to her the perspective of "leaving your family" or "really being out on your own", but some people are just a little too insistent on what they have their mind set on.

the "senior scramble"

michael fermier, my roommate for 3 years, told me this morning that he saw a girl named Megan.  I guess we both knew who she was, or at least he thought that I did, and when I asked who she was, Mike said that she was an ex-girlfriend of another friend of ours, Aaron, who is now engaged to someone else.  I asked what she was up to, and mike said that she was not married. 

ha.

then mike clawed on my doorpost and said - "Its the Senior Scramble; everyone clawin' to get a piece."

i thought that was pretty funny.

take care of each other. release to each other.

if you are not discussing important and challenging things with your "close friends" then you don't have close friends.

if you are keeping everything inside, and not talking about hard things, then you are lying to yourself.

release. please. you'll feel so much better.  i'll listen.