anxiety everywhere.

i understand anxiety... i really do. i was paralyzed by it for a good amount of college, and i certainly feel it now sometimes.

IMHO, anxiety is only appropriate if you know that it is temporary. no one can stand an anxious person - someone who always NEEDS something to worry about. these are the kinds of people that we all were annoyed by. these were the overzelous moms in high school and college who you knew still had far too much reach into their adult child's life.

if there's a situation that is causing you tremendous anxiety, fair enough. but after that situation is remedied, or you are removed from that situation, or that situation becomes significantly improved... then you need to release that anxiety.

...but if you instead transfer it to the next thing that will cause you anxiety, you're in a really shitty spiral of worry. thats not cool - to your friends, to your family, etc.

i really think that some anxiety is managable and expected... from a spiritual perspective. God does demand that we not let it rule our minds though, but instead use it as an opportunity to trust him and beg for his help, his calmness.

boy, its funny where we end up.

Jenny and i talk about that often... if you would have told us a few years ago that we'd be in Dallas, in great community with people we've never met, with these jobs we have... we'd be pretty shocked.

i love blogging when i'm listening to music... its particularly inspirational... but its like I wish that I could just start playing the song i'm listening to while i'm writing this, so you can get the vibe.
i'm listening right now to Guster's Architects and Engineers... off their new album released earlier this year - called Easy Wonderful

I find it very funny when people feel the need to publicly show affection to their spouses on Facebook. Believe me I'm more Words of Affirmation than most people that I know... but what is the purpose here? Just a little confusing.


I've been chastised for showing an 'extremely healthy' amount of PDA from our Foundation Group and friends here in Dallas... but via facebook? as the kids say these days rotfl

...I suppose if you 'need' it, or just want to show it additionally, fair enough, but I do want to caution the use of facebook/regular dependance for certain types of communication. Entertainment? Yes. Business? Ok/Yes. Public displays of affection for spousal communication? Meh.

We near the end of june, and the end of 10 months of marriage. Good times.

Talk about progress... honestly we look back sometimes and have no clue where the first few months went. We have adjusted a ton.

I tell my buddies a motto I heard once along the way, its likely sports related, but I apply it to almost everything, because it holds so true. It sounds kinda cheesy, but its honestly and sincerely legitimately applied to almost everything.

Champions Adjust.

There you have it. When your cute little schedule doesn't fall in line exactly how you'd like it, or you have some expectations that are unmet... adjust. Be a champ, don't be a whiny little chump, bitchin' about everything that comes along, or doesn't go your way.

Also, beware of isolation. Jenny and I were talking about that - seeing friends who isolate themselves fairly intensely. The interesting thing about isolators, is that they have the most 'legitimate' excuses. How on earth did our parents live without cell phones, and DIY blogs and BravoTV? I don't know how they did it, and maintained decent relationships, raised decent kids.

Isolation sucks so much. It hurts others who are NOT living in isolation. Isolation is the opposite of community.

Community is not a suggestion, sincere, great community is a must. Community is not just 1 or 2 friends who are close, who you allow to hang out with you at your convenience. Community is championship like adjusting and allowing your little schedule of anxiety to be thrown off a little bit.

I'm so proud of my wife for being such an adjusting champion. First and foremost to me and my off-center ways of living. She's calmed an incredible amount of my spirit, and allowed me to focus down on legitimate leadership, biblical stewardship and caring, and focused community. Gosh I'm so proud of her. She's adjusted herself to understanding that her routines and preferences for a clean house and organized everything might not be available all the time... especially as we pour ourselves into community. Weekly cleaning routines might be thrown off a little bit, if it means we're going to meet up with people we love and want to share life with. We still get to clean, and organize and be calm and restful, but it requires adjustment. Champions adjust.

Well May has come and gone.. and that was crazy. we're about to hit the halfway point of 2011. Wow. This past month was pretty crazy for us - we hosted both sets of parents at our house, had a breakfast bar installed, painted 2 rooms, went to Tennessee and had some incredible hang-outs with our friends here in dallas - both our Froundation Group and our other friends.

Community is so nice. Its so great to have people you regularly interact with, and who you can be open and honest with. Major family issues? Its pretty tough to put on a sweet face and respond to the question "how's everything going?" with a partial-lie of "going fine! thanks! how are you doing?!" and deflect a sincere response into an externally focused series of questions.

How can people call a group of friends "community" when you cannot come to most everyone in the group, and tell them the stains on your heart? If you need help, prayer, advice, thoughts, you have to ask for it. Keeping certain things hidden, insecurities and concerns masked in "what will people think?" is exactly what Jesus DIDN'T want us to do.

Honestly, I thought I knew what great community looked like. And I did. I have had such GREAT community in the past... but I really see that there is even another level of intimacy that you can share with people who walk beside you... and interact with on a regular basis.

it requires a lot to be the kind of person that encourages, and loves, and is gracious, both at work and at home. i know that that is the kind of person that I want to be though, and I know its what my wife and my friends and co-workers need.

I'm so proud of Jenny for fighting through tough shit at work. Talk about emotional ups-and-downs, catty women, unprofessional workers, and amazingly disgusting conversations, life-styles etc... to have to face that every day, and maintain your emotional poise? Thats legit. Work sucks, I'll make no bones about it. Finding the perfect job is certainly do-able, but it is difficult and might not be the first one you take. But there's something to say about sticking with it, and honestly I've been so impressed that Jenny has fought through a cluster-ton of anxiety, unfair treatment, long hours, weekend hours, etc. Bravo.

There is tons of stuff I want to say. I don't know how well other places might do it, but I do know that Watermark's model for community is just right on. I honestly have not met a leader (member-leader, and staff-leader) that has not been able to communicate clearly, to answer questions succinctly and with wisdom, and encourage, edify, and speak with the perfect amount of humility and authority. Where was this earlier in my journey? Was I not prepared to hear good leadership speak? I think that might have been the case in college to an extent - Phillip Bethancourt was (is) one of those godly, stand-up, wise, honest incredible men who wanted to bring students and peers (I was both-ish), up to the next level in their relationship with the Lord. But sheesh. I definitely think it was a combination of me not being ready or wanting to hear it, and there not being a good amount of it within the churches/organizations I was connected with. I see the model that we believe in here at Watermark, and I think "hm, I don't know if I want my family to grow in any other situation". Yes, its that good. No, I'm not being dramatic.

From Mumford & Sons' The Cave Its empty in the valley of your heart the sun it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears and faults you've left behind the harvest left no fruit for you to eat I wonder often what people love about being comfortable. Can people imagine what it would be like to live far away from comforts? Listening to good music that talks about bravery, and challenge, and 'different' things is almost satisfactory. But not really.

And there goes March. Yikes. I have a guest appearance coming up on http://www.blogger.com/this and I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous. There is so much that I want to say, so much I want to share, as I'm quite certain my little (albeit long-running) blog doesn't appear regularly on many folks' blog-rolls. Its certainly fine by me, but with such a far-reaching blog as OSV, maybe this is the big break I'll need. Ha. /// One thing I owe a lot of credit to the Lord for is this: over the past few years, I have felt this desire for publicity and attention removed even further than, oh say, early college years. Obviously a lot of this was due to my increasing relationship with Jenny, but it was certainly structured by the Lord showing me that my words might mean more, and my actions taken a little more seriously, with a calm, well-thought-out, patient delivery. Juxtapose this with the hyper-loud-intensifying-BLAM type communication many people came to expect from me. Rest assured, those BLAM Communications skill-sets are still with me, but using them strategically is more important than letting them go unbridled. I have certainly been convinced of that recently. /// Which brings me to my conclusion. I hope to keep my thoughts organized but detailed within my guest appearance here in the next few weeks (?). But I can tell you this... what I do want to communicate, I hope that people are open to hear. The theme of many conversations with people in my immediate community here in Dallas over the past few years, is that my heart hurts sometimes for friends who don't have outlets for (new) community. I couldn't possibly imagine someone questioning my loyalty to the long-standing, foundational relationships in my life... the people who the Lord used to shape my spirit, my core faith, etc. My love for those people is life-long and cemented. I do know this, however: my local community has a very immediate reach into the decisions in my life. /// For a long time I fought extremely hard against the 'proximity' argument for community - insisting to myself and my friends that no matter how far the distance, our intimacy will NEVER change. I can say that it for the most part that is true, but you couldn't make an argument about keeping the exact same level of intimacy while living in different cities. I'm ridiculously blessed that the history and intensity of many of my closest friendships can overcome some of the proximity failings, but asking the Lord for wisdom and perspective, has been most frequently (chronologically speaking) been answered through friends with whom I can regularly see in person. Luckily, the importance and familiarity with my non-proximate friends remains. Its the best (as it can be) of both worlds. Lucky me.

Finally. A weekend where both of us were home and we had no agenda.

7months have come and gone, and multiple times throughout the past week, we've noticed, jenny and i have, that our love for each other has grown - surprisingly and immensly. Both of us noticed that our expectation when we got married - as to how much we loved each other then - was that it might be at its pinnacle, but obviously it is not.

I think one of the formulas for success, obviously beyond a relationship with the Lord, is the ability to bend. Both of us brining our preferences to living together - habits, etc. could have been disastrously difficult. I think that that is one of the difficulties that young couples encounter - and believe me we've encountered those - but we've been able to bend accordingly.

I get really annoyed at my buddies who tell me how their personal habits of TV watching or eating or post-work whatever-the-task-is hasn't substantially changed.

I think its so easy for people to just insist on their way, on their preferences, instead of looking towards your spouse to prefer theirs. Overwhelmingly I want Jenny to be happy - to be relaxed and comfortable in our surroundings. Whatever that takes, I'm willing to forgo my habitual SportsCenter watchings - but obviously I still get my fix in (b/c she wants me to! - see this cycle!), to keep my focus on my wife and her happiness.

I have sincerely enjoyed seeing us mold our habits together - breakfast and coffee time - devotionals - prayer time - going out for dinner, driving to meet friends, working out. Wow, we're so blessed. Continued gratitude....

http://www.pandora.com/music/song/mumford+sons/cave#lyrics

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the faults
You've left behind
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the faults
You've left behind
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the faults
You've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
'Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

I've got to take a second to brag on my wife. She's great, and has been extremely patient. I see her growing, and that is so encouraging to me.

I'm excited for college basketball to head towards its seasons end. The tournament is so great, and I really and sincerely enjoy the camraderie that it brings among co-workers, friends, families. These past few months have definitely been focused on things of Jenny and I's life together, as opposed to lots of sports intake, and thats great. But as college hoops wraps up and the NBA playoffs nears, I'm excited to open up a little bit more to sports.

Its great to have guys in my community group to encourage that, and I interact with these guys regularly. Community, I'm reminded, is not only terribly valuable, but it takes a while to get going. Our Foundation Group through Watermark is full of great, and sincere people, but opening up and getting honest and stuff, is going to take a while.

Speaking of time, Jenny and I are heading down the homestretch of the first year of our marriage. Thats great, but definitely crazy. Things are always going forward in most every aspect, and that, more than any other descriptor of our marriage, is what I want. Forward.

Living in constant state of prayer. Thats how I want to be.

Maybe before these past 6 months in my life, I only believed in prayer theoretically, not actually. My belief or misconception of sincere prayers doesn't change the fact that God works independently and according to his good pleasure.

Maybe its just that Jenny and I have prayed so very hard, with pretty great consistency, and seen results. We'll just keep at it.

Well there you go, 5 months down. This marriage thing is pretty great. Really great, in fact.

Its definitely difficult in some ways - a lot of adjusting; but the rewards to improving an already great relationship is just awesome.

My wife is a great cook. A really great cook. I think she has some great intuitions when it comes to food, culinary arts. In the future, I predict great things coming from this.

I love how we are calm, and don't need a lot of pulic recognition. I love it. I love it especially because in a time long ago (not so long ago??), I believe that I had myself convinced that I needed it. There is certainly a part of myself that loves the publicity of certain things - elements of life, but Jenny has shown me what it is to be confident in something incredible, and celebrate it with more (private) humility.

We have stepped into our new community - couples in the same situation we are - young, married, new marriages, early in careers. Its really great to get to know people at your same stage. Pressing into community TOGETHER, has been really great. More comments on that to come.

I'm so confident in the ways we've been able to isolate, and be together - developing our lives together - and get into community as well. We're doing great - and its only because our prayers for this balance, have been met with little doses of wisdom.