i just ran into my advisor here at the Bush school and it literally has been over a year since i spoke with her. students are matched up with advisors, and i'm not sure how often everyone meets theirs, but the only thing i asked of her was to approve my internship form for last summer. anyhow, as i'm up here on a sunday morning (gasp) I forgot my access card at home, and she was walking in and could get into the building. so she recognized me and said, how are you doing, haven't seen you in a while... etc. then asked me about jobs. i told her that i'd likely have a choice between DoD in DC or Raytheon in Dallas, and she gave me a piece of advice i had heard before but i really believe now... go do the job that will give you more specific training and experience. and right now the cost controls job at raytheon will do that.

but the other night, many of my grad student buddies gave me grief for possibly passing up on the opportunity to work in the five-sided building.

and there's the idea of having great community already there in Dallas. although i don't doubt i could find community in DC. and theres jld

Standing on a building
I am a lightning rod
And all these clouds are so familiar
Descending from the mountain tops
The gods are threatening
But I will return an honest soldier

coffee seems more effective on friday.

wow, when it rains, it pours.

hfbi
dr
wdcdod

i don't get it sometimes.

dammit why is it that some people just take and take and don't give

sometimes i give my friend brad a ride. often times it is done at the last second as he's late for class, or doing something. and tonight, as i'm relaxing at watching a movie for class, then napping... a few things that i enjoy as "leisure" he cannot go drop off one of our other roommates for a test. i don't get it. he always asks for rides, but doesn't usually give them. its frustrating. i hardly EVER ask for a ride, partially because i like being self sufficient and do not enjoy being at the mercy of others for something that i could probably do myself.

also, i try my best to express my feelings, and i hate leaving something unresolved with anyone. i don't care if its my mom, if its a recruiter for a company or any one of my friends, i hate walking away from something without making some kind of attempt at a resolution. it just sucks.


i doubt anyone has been reading my blogs since high school, nor do i think people would be interested in looking at my archives, but like i've said numerous times, i don't write this blog FOR anyone. its a vent for myself. so accordingly, i welcome comments, but will make few apologies.

"a real man makes his own luck"

-billy zane, titanic

i find it very funny that political discussions and political passions seemed to have faded, or at least been put on the backburner for the time being. it is very telling of the overall idea of political interest, only when there is a vote, or a huge political issue, do people begin to take sides, talk about issues, and debate passionately. over the past few weeks since the primaries, i have been engaged in increasingly less political conversations. i find it funny, because, like some sports fans, some "politically interested people" are fair-weather.

i'm not sure why, but i'm extending my desire for challenge to this.


you annoy me, r

lauren lewis passed away a few days ago, and even though i didn't know her, many of my friends did. looking at her profile and reading different things, i am reminded how lucky i am. how lucky everyone is. i've lost 4 people i would consider friends during college - friends who's number i had in my cell phone. all to car accidents.

please be safe. please. enjoy every moment. i feel like a 13 year old writing on her myspace page, but its true. i can't tell you how true it is.

i'm surprised that i have such a sorrowful feeling, and sadly it reminds me of that time i felt it during the past few years.  usually my thoughts on death are pretty deterministic and 'real'; but this feels different. 

wow

wow i really am sad for her friends, and sad that she didn't get to experience life past 20. 

life has to be valued, and not wasted. don't waste your time.

wow

man

wow

i told my manager last night at Fish Daddy's (i'm a server there) 2 things; and i told him that i mean both of them seriously.

1. i will stay on as long as you need me, to the end of the shift (10pm) if need-be
2. i have an extremely complex assignment coming up and i was out of town in DC all last week and weekend; thus i have a hell of a lot of work to do.

he tells me that he's looking to get out early too (not facetious), and was looking to make cuts quickly and get us checked out and home.

so sure enough, i try to be extra nice, bust my ass, clearing my tables (pre-bussing) before the busboys wipe down the tables, do my sidework, stay on top of things... and he even complements me on my efforts - pretty unusual... and keeps me on till 10pm. i was very upset. i really felt like this guy, only 2 yrs older than me @ 25, was testing me, to see if i would complain to him, etc. i was pissed, so upset. i even came in early too. man that sucked. and so i tried my best to keep it to myself - and i managed to do a good job, and i didn't gossip and talk behind his back like everyone else does when the managers piss them off. but i just felt tested, and i didn't like it - especially form a guy who i get along with very well, and have good conversations with and business, mangement, etc....

i mean come on.


the whole time though, i was upset, i kept reminding myself that i want to be a man of my word. obviously i wouldn't have walked out of the resturaunt, but i wanted to have such a bad attitude, and be so pissy to him; instead i just avoided him, and got my shit done. but come on.

i'm not freaking out completely about my school work, as i have a job offer. its in DC, and i'm excited. its looking like i may end up there - in DC at least for this next year. and that makes me excited. even though there is a cute blond/blue in waco.



like i tell people often, i love challenge, i love being challenged, and last night was one of those times. it was tough, and i was pissed, but thats how you grow. i guess.

i'm in DC for capstone, and its been very fun. i had a great night last night, and more importantly, i had great, challenging, stimulating conversation. man i love conversation.

its really cold here too

i'm not sure what i'm gonna do about the job offer.

again, i spoke of challenge and tough times - how everyone goes through them and how i think that they should.

in class just now, my friend gave up her seat to a classmate because 'it was his seat'.

i don't get that.

if people get upset over little things like that, then they lack perspective. they lack a perspective of temperment, a perspective of interaction, and slightly, a perspective of people.

be uncomfortable

its a world that few people know. and even fewer want to know it. its where grown men (and women) can compete and be brave.

its where you can compete, win, and lose.  

its a world that i enjoy, not love, enjoy.  and right now - that world has been as cold as f*3830g hell. 

its so cold, and i want to be so upset and angry. i want to be so mad and ludicrous and irate, but i'm fighting it.  i need some help dealing with it - and i really have only 1 friend who knows about it.  he's a good friend, he's loyal and intelligent and i'm so proud of him; so proud that he is one of my boys.

dammit i'm so mad.

listening to ghostland observatory (check them out on myspace or search for them in itunes)

brings me back to ACL - I had an amazing time. Simply amazing.  It was there that I began to like this sweet girl named Jenny Diamond. 

It was an incredible weekend - not to mention one of my best friends Will Lanier. He's over in England working on his graduate work in Philosophy at Oxford. Also - I love his girlfriend Dawn.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today - she was telling me that she couldn't imagine dating this guy (who she had gone on 1 date with) who wanted to settle down on his family ranch near Austin - because she would be 5 hours away from her family.  I get it. I get that she loves her family and they are always together - never far apart - only miles separate their houses - but I just am reminded of how necessary it is for us to be challenged, to be uncomfortable.  I wanted to just impart to her the perspective of "leaving your family" or "really being out on your own", but some people are just a little too insistent on what they have their mind set on.

the "senior scramble"

michael fermier, my roommate for 3 years, told me this morning that he saw a girl named Megan.  I guess we both knew who she was, or at least he thought that I did, and when I asked who she was, Mike said that she was an ex-girlfriend of another friend of ours, Aaron, who is now engaged to someone else.  I asked what she was up to, and mike said that she was not married. 

ha.

then mike clawed on my doorpost and said - "Its the Senior Scramble; everyone clawin' to get a piece."

i thought that was pretty funny.

take care of each other. release to each other.

if you are not discussing important and challenging things with your "close friends" then you don't have close friends.

if you are keeping everything inside, and not talking about hard things, then you are lying to yourself.

release. please. you'll feel so much better.  i'll listen.

this is nothing new, but i was reminded how much people like to talk about themselves, or their experiences.

its really kind of annoying, and i'm positive that i do it as well.

i've read before that talking about yourself is a kind of defense mechanism, and it makes sense. think about the times that you begin talking about yourself when you don't generally want to. aren't they times in interpersonal situations where you feel a little bit awkward?

its not? then you're just talking about yourself on regular interactions.
did someone ask you about what you've done or something for you to explain? great! this is generally the only time i try and talk about myself. being so focused outwardly is crucial to being a good friend, a good love, a good son or daughter. but more importantly, you become so much more aware of what's around you. you might find yourself saying things like "oh, i didn't see that" or "oh, i didn't hear that"... a lot less.

ask questions, and be sincere. live and be interested outside of yourself. don't tout how much you might have to study, how many finals you have, or the things you have to get done. get them done and battle in those fights with perseverance and the strength you petition from the Lord. of course its necessary to seek support from your friends, especially when there are things that cannot be accomplished in the short-term or are issues deeply and painfully affecting you.

that being said, don't hesitate to ask for help in situations where you need it. battling by yourself, and getting in the habit of being too stubborn to ask for some aid... makes little sense in the long run. if you think you can handle big issues by yourself, you're wrong. i'm wrong for thinking that i can figure out my job situation by myself, to figure out my classes and projects and everything by myself. its prideful, and i am and you are, a fool for doing it.

God's so very gracious to look past all the times we ignore him, or intentionally disobey him. how can we not be thankful for that, thankful that he is always as anxious to love you and forgive you, every single time that we screw up.

really i can't believe that its been over 2 weeks since i posted last. times are flying by; this semester is almost over. my friend elisabeth started a blog. holla. ejexplains.blogspot.com

sometimes i wonder if i should pursue a career in sports. i spend enough time talking and thinking about it.

it could be the weather; however i think that a lot of ****s are st****** their *****ds within this past week or this coming week.


YIKES!

i think sometimes i've undervalued myself.

i think that i should change a little of this attitude.

especially remembering what i learned in Europe

i wonder if you read this. if you do, i hope you can understand how to be flexible, and understand that its ok to change sometimes. i hope you'll stop being scared and start to do things to challenge yourself.






band of horses is a new group that miori told me about that, like he said, I'm fairly certain i will be a big fan of for a long, long time.