this is nothing new, but i was reminded how much people like to talk about themselves, or their experiences.

its really kind of annoying, and i'm positive that i do it as well.

i've read before that talking about yourself is a kind of defense mechanism, and it makes sense. think about the times that you begin talking about yourself when you don't generally want to. aren't they times in interpersonal situations where you feel a little bit awkward?

its not? then you're just talking about yourself on regular interactions.
did someone ask you about what you've done or something for you to explain? great! this is generally the only time i try and talk about myself. being so focused outwardly is crucial to being a good friend, a good love, a good son or daughter. but more importantly, you become so much more aware of what's around you. you might find yourself saying things like "oh, i didn't see that" or "oh, i didn't hear that"... a lot less.

ask questions, and be sincere. live and be interested outside of yourself. don't tout how much you might have to study, how many finals you have, or the things you have to get done. get them done and battle in those fights with perseverance and the strength you petition from the Lord. of course its necessary to seek support from your friends, especially when there are things that cannot be accomplished in the short-term or are issues deeply and painfully affecting you.

that being said, don't hesitate to ask for help in situations where you need it. battling by yourself, and getting in the habit of being too stubborn to ask for some aid... makes little sense in the long run. if you think you can handle big issues by yourself, you're wrong. i'm wrong for thinking that i can figure out my job situation by myself, to figure out my classes and projects and everything by myself. its prideful, and i am and you are, a fool for doing it.

God's so very gracious to look past all the times we ignore him, or intentionally disobey him. how can we not be thankful for that, thankful that he is always as anxious to love you and forgive you, every single time that we screw up.

really i can't believe that its been over 2 weeks since i posted last. times are flying by; this semester is almost over. my friend elisabeth started a blog. holla. ejexplains.blogspot.com

sometimes i wonder if i should pursue a career in sports. i spend enough time talking and thinking about it.

it could be the weather; however i think that a lot of ****s are st****** their *****ds within this past week or this coming week.


YIKES!

i think sometimes i've undervalued myself.

i think that i should change a little of this attitude.

especially remembering what i learned in Europe

i wonder if you read this. if you do, i hope you can understand how to be flexible, and understand that its ok to change sometimes. i hope you'll stop being scared and start to do things to challenge yourself.






band of horses is a new group that miori told me about that, like he said, I'm fairly certain i will be a big fan of for a long, long time.

thanks j-sal

i can't believe how quickly time flies. people say that often; but its incredibly true. quickly: late AUGUST turns into EARLY NOVEMBER, and the fall nears an end. what did i do with my time? i feel like i've been oddly constructive, and oddly lazy. i can't tell how i feel about these past few weeks. time will tell.

jenny

I am continually amazed at how the Lord truly takes care of our hearts when we ask Him to. When we just do it half-heartedly and out of repetition and pattern, it is very hard to hear sincerity in your petition. But when we find ourselves at a point where we know we shouldn't be or we know we need help, sincerity seems to flow easier.

"guys i don't expect you to understand this; but i can relate to Monica Lewinski"
-e (rifle, shotgunn, .44magnum)

"a woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle"
-u2

its noble, wanting to go on a mission. sometimes i realize its an obedience to the Lord. but sometimes, i think people miss the big picture when they just think about 1 aspect of missions, or Christianity.


i just spent an incredible few days with an incredible girl.


i'm still looking for a long-term and short-term job


i don't ever want to be boring.


boring; brutal; bummer; barely; blessings; break-out

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want

if you're afraid to ask hard questions, then shut the hell up.

i have a suspicion that there is maybe 6 or 7 people that read this every 2 weeks or so.

quick thoughts on facebook: there are some people who don't need to be on facebook. from day 1 - i was worried that facebook would be come creepy and public like myspace. i think facebook also is a cop-out to communication in some ways - and in other ways its very convenient and easy to use. but there are some people that don't need to be on facebook. like myspace, its just an invitation to creeps and perverts who can now register and join, and look at groups and stalk college and high school students. its another way for people to be impersonal and live behind a screen. i use facebook because it has some great features, but when it comes to keeping up with people in my life that i truly care about, i'll get a hold of them in person or by phone at the least.

also, there is not a need for some other people to be on facebook. i'm going mainly at adults here. the adults in my graduate school classes (Al, the HPD officer, Noe the CSPD investigator, Griffin the married guy, among many others) aren't on it. and sure - i understand that some adults who interact with students regularly might have some purpose for it; but then again - isn't there an area of life where students need some autonomy? i'm not here to tell anyone what to do and what not to do - i'm just confused by some people's actions. honestly there comes a point where people need to let go. this is applicable not only to a parent, but also to a freshly ended relationship, etc. and stalkbook makes it a little harder to let go; sometimes. there are lots of great benefits to the internet and free flow of information, but stalking and nosiness are byproducts that i'm not a huge fan of. no one is i think.

sometimes i think people test me. and sometimes i wish they would. i would like to hear - at the end of some frustrating situation i'm involved in - someone goes: "dan, we [or i] were just kidding about that. i just wanted to see what you would do, and how you would handle that".

i wish people knew how much i care about them. what i wouldn't do to make sure they are enjoying life and being happy. then i think to myself - maybe some people are - and me not being in their life is the best thing for a while. as much as it is a blow to my pride, i need to learn to accept this, and be consistent in my saying "whatever i can do (or not do) to help". i just wish someone could point out when i should or shouldn't be there. because sometimes i feel like a complete jackass, overly annoying, and a hinderer to their enjoyment. sometimes i feel like this on the basketball court. i'm not good at hoops. i'm maybe a 5.2 on a 1-10 scale, and when i wanna go play - usually with people who are way better than me - i feel like a tag along. so i do my best to contribute, and not take dumb shots, or look too stupid.

i just wish everyone could feel comfortable in talking with me. especially the people i care about - because at the end of the day - they take priority.

i think this is more of the 5-th year funk i'm experiencing - with fewer friends in town, fewer people to go hang out with and do things with. here's the honest truth: i love it. i'm so glad that my hand is forced to stay at home, and be responsible, look for a job, and get my shit together. because, as i found out this weekend - there is always time for a good time. i know people say that you should maximize your time in college - and i feel like i have - i have a lot of fun stories (which some might consider lame), and i've had a hell of a time, but there is something in me that is ready for the next challenge. believe me - now that i'm back from the summer - i'm glad i have another year in college station, and there are only a few things that i would trade for it (extensive travel - with my family perhaps - and "the perfect job" - of which there are very few) but i'm so glad i get to spend another year near my brother, close to my folks, and with the few remaining people in college station that i wanna hang out with.

in the mean time, i'll do my best to understand my role in different situations, and try and focus on what i need to do. but more than what I need to do; i wanna be available to drop anything i'm doing to help or hang out with those i love. and i want to learn what i don't know about them. this is my greatest challenge - and God has been helping me with it very slowly, but surely - to shut the hell up and listen. to not talk and be a sounding board. my time will come to give advice or give my opinion - but for the rest of my life, i want to make sure that is secondary to opening my ears, and opening my eyes. I ask for your help, anyone who might read this, in showing me, and talking to me about how i can do this better.


Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

isaiah 40:28-31

i have a few problems with how you interact with people. it makes me question the idea of being engaged before you are 22. i don't think people have experienced enough to fully go through with an engagement and marriage when they are still desiring things that a mature, married family-person would not.

this post, though scantly read, will make sense to very few.

lots of smiles. very pleasant. and other side +'s

how is it that women are so good? it really blows me away sometimes - their knack for observation and memory, etc. its sick. it really is.

this weekend was very fun. travis bearden got married in Tyler, and a bunch of our good friends were all able to get together and have a blast. robbie gentry is a new friend of mine and i'm so glad we got a chance to hang out. i'm excited about chillin with him next year. he and i really seem to have a connection on a different level than most.

really i'm so lucky to have traveled a lot of places. one thing i realized in dc was how happy i will be when i don't have to take my family on a tour bus waiting in line with all the other chump tourists. i've become pretty familiar with the major tourist cities - and i love it. i know that if you put me anywhere close to dc or in any borough in new york city, i can get to any other place. i think.

but all this to say i'm very glad that i have been able to learn my way around major cities in the world.

After 4 days in new york I have a lot of thoughts. The people I got to see and hang out with are awesome. Even if it was only for a short while – and what can you expect now when people have graduated from college or are doing professional work. Either way it was amazing. I must say, on a side note, that I accomplished one of my private, non-listed aims this week as well.

Virginia, a new friend, is an amazing girl; and she has a list of things she wants to accomplish in her life. Some of the things are small, and some are big. But that got me to thinking about my personal list. Over the last few years I definitely have thought of some things that I would want to do before I die. I don’t suppose I’ll list them right now on here, but I might in the future. One thing that I realized this week after talking with one of my best friends, is that people really do look out for number 1. No matter how much they might say that they are not selfish – they really are pretty selfish. Now – with that being said – there are a few people in my life that really hit close to a completely selfless attitude. Derek devine is one of them. If you hang around Derek, he will hardly talk about himself, and even if you ask him, he is so great at bringing the conversation elsewhere. If you have friends like Derek – you should listen and learn from them more – I know I do.

I find myself in a weird situation with my life-timing right now. I’ve finished 4 years of college and for all intensive purposes I should be on the job hunt/working. But I have 1 more year in grad school. So I get to delay it for another year and get a masters. I’m gonna be honest – the program I’m in hasn’t been as hard has I expected - now I’m pretty sure that this next year is going to kick my arse but that's ok because now I’m ready for it – it was tough last year trying to balance my senior year with the first year of grad school – I still had a big social pull – and I know I’ll always have that pull but it was especially hard this past year – and even harder with more time on my hands*

Last time I wrote some letters I got blasted for being arrogant. Maybe my disclaimers didn’t work but, for what it is worth – I think the idea of writing letters on my blog is not arrogant, it might be a little cowardly –since I am not saying this to these peoples’ faces. But I’m pretty sure at least 1 or 2 hit their targets. So I guess it was successful. Like i said to people who know me – at the heart of things – in the big picture perspective – I don’t care a lot about what people think of me. In the small picture, I’ll have to be honest, sometimes I do care what people think. I need to work on that. Man I can’t wait to meet my wife. I wrote In my journal a while back about who I thought it might be – and although it is still a possibility, it is not one right now. And truthfully – if it is not her, then I’m ok with whoever the Lord throws in my way. Wow I can’t wait to love her with everything I have.

jimmy and kelly needham amaze me. they do. their sincerity and their love is unbelievable. one of the things that exemplifies this the most is the fact that kelly got her degree in 3 years - from the business school.

this i'm sure is random, but they are an encouragement to me. seriously.

its all about balance isn't it. you say you love one thing and you loathe doing it. you say you want to do something and you don't go and do it. things get in the way. and i i have a hypothesis that most of the time these things that get in the way are not legitimate. or at the very least - aren't things that are going to really make you happy in the long run. ya know?

i'm surprised, too. and i still wish you read.

And I'm complaining.

Wow, I'm blindsided again. Dan Reiter just passed away - a car accident on Spring Cypress. Ya know, Spring Cypress - the road I travel multiple time each day. Ya know, Dan Reiter from high school. oh wow. i'm so like... i don't have words to type -i just paused and thought about what to type and i don't know. i'm alive. Andrea Gent, William Minor, David Gilbert, Walker Best, and Dan Reiter are not. and i'm complaining about my internship - about driving in traffic and not getting paid, and being bored, and being frustrated. wow. i feel so dumb. i feel so selfish and so dumb and so weird. dan's time was up, and i'm still here. all of these friends' time was up and i've been given more. why do i keep finding things that are wrong. why do i keep finding things to be upset about... i know it can't keep all joyful all the time... maybe i can - the thing i remember about dan reiter is that he never was not smiling and always joyful and - i mean - i know people say that about a lot of people who passed away - but he really did it - he really lived joyfully and servant-hearted and with energy. i didn't keep up with him the past few years but what i remember of him and what i'm confident of is that he was continuing to do s0 - in service and in his life and relationships. oh wow. and i'm complaining. and i'm upset and i'm selfish. i feel so weird and i don't know why - its not like he's on my speed dial or anything - its just familiarity and a reality check i guess. what on earth? why am i so upset by this? why have i let things frustrate me - and other things take my focus. i'm totally zoned really weird right now. i know the Lord is good and His plans are so great. i know this. i'm confident of this in the long run. Lord, I'm so sorry. Dan, I'm so sorry. Family, I'm so sorry. My attitude is so bad, Lord, wipe me out - clean out my mind and break my heart and wash me through. Make me relateable, and make me proud and make me joyful and make me dependent on you and not on myself. make me happy and fill me with your perspective, your wisdom and your joy - but most of all your love. shower the reiters with your love and perspective and wisdom right now. Lord, i beg your peace and i beg you. i beg you.

76 acres in Henderson, TX - my family owns a ranch. wow. crazy. what a blessing. its 1.5 hr from Dallas, 30 mins. from Tyler, 2.75 from College Station.

Just so everyone knows.

The FBI is cool, i enjoy interning there.

I think I'm going to spend 2.2 weeks in the beginning of August in Washington, D.C. and New York City. 2 cities I love and want to visit people in. YES.

Let me know if I can sleep on a couch...

just get me out of the country. i wanna see things. i wanna see big things. i have the rest of my life to see things on the middle level. i wanna see things that i wouldn't be expected to see.

why is there so much more, and its so hard to see it.


why is God's timing so crazy/so right on?


i guess sometimes i doubt that it's so right on.


why am i doing an unpaid internship for 40 hours a week?

why are some people content on never leaving their comfort zone?

why do some people not want to confront hard issues? why do some people not like confrontation? i mean no one loves confrontation, but some people go to ignorantly insane lengths to avoid it... that makes me upset.
why can't i get to bed earlier?

in the mean time i guess i'll keep going, taking rest under the Lord's hand.

some of my favorite places in the world:

-airports
-golf courses
-large, new buildings with carpet

talk about a surreal moment. as i'm cleaning out my room in Spring of all "old stuff" i have my ipod on shuffle and "closing time" by semisonic plays through. as i'm reading back through some old notes (from people and professors), tossing many things into the garbage can, it was a pretty crazy twist of self-realization. moving on, putting stamp on things, going ONLY forward. learning from the past, but never looking back in anger or regret or sheer joy. the past is the past and its...the past. i'm so excited about this summer, about my feelings for this summer and where i'm going to get to by the end of this summer. the only way i can do so - is through the Lord's provision. my hard work + faith in plans =

what are you doing? and where did you come from?

i really like it but i'm not sure about it.

and i go back and forth again with a familiar fight to me: mind v. heart

its a fight i'm familiar with and its a fight the Lord helps me through. it really, to be honest, is a fight i enjoy so much.

both things though, are cut and in repair. i hope those who cut them know that they did so. i'm not mad about it - b/c they need to be cut. definitely. people who's minds and hearts who don't ever get cut or allow them to be in a position where they might be - will have overly sensitive and inexperienced both. i pity those people. life is rich and battle-filled and thats what makes it so amazing. AMAZING. life is amazing. so thank you, guys and gals, for my cuts and battles. i love you all the more for them, and i hope, eventually, we can talk about it. or even if we can't; i know we'll know what we know about it. ha.

i'm praying for you. please pray for me. thank you. i love you. __


who/where


ever you are

as i listened to cake's short skirt long jacket song this evening, i realized something that i think my wife will have to do for me. or rather, wants to do for me... and me for her in many ways

"i want a girl who gets up early; i want a girl who stays up late"

i just envisioned my wife urging me out of bed in the early morning hours to go take care of a necessary task. usually when people try and wake me up and i don't have to be up for any significant reason... i can quickly discredit them and their efforts for a few more ZZZZs

but my wife... the woman i'll love and care about more than myself and more than anything i know or will know... i can appreciate and respect her efforts... and be as dedicated to her as she is to me... if not more...

what are you doing?
spread yourself thin once again and some pick up on it.


what are you doing, [in between d & f]
connection? fun? laughs? i know you're sore. i would be too. don't be so tough though.


daniel: what are you doing? how excited are you?


these past few weeks have been pretty crazy - but this weekend the Lord spoke to me greatly. He showed me how to shut up and cry and to see that emotional fulfilment comes from Him and no place else. i can't find it in people (g's) until i know i have found it in the Lord... and I'm getting there...

I just hope you'll wait. i don't know who you are but i want you by my side. maybe you're not out there... and maybe i'll serve in isolation. I'm not going to freak out, but i am going to try and gain perspective. if you walked into my life tomorrow or you already have and you know it. please tell me. if you're not supposed to then don't. i love you.

april 2 has come and gone


i often think about my role in different relationships i've had - friendships and otherwise; as a son, as a brother

i often think that i screw things up and, even in all my psychoanalyzing, i just completely miss it. it worries me, but i find solace in the idea that i really don't dwell on the past much at all. the past is what it is. it has helped me so much, but when i think about it too much, i begin to doubt myself (unhealthily, i might add). in doing so, i'm unable to look forward and live in the here and now.

these past few months have been so odd for me. up and down, distant and far. i have felt so satisfied and at some points so unsatisfied & lonely. above all though, my hunger for the Lord to shape my character into something more legit and more like Him, has grown. I want it more than ever now.
there are some people i wish i could communicate to, and it breaks my heart that i cannot.

j'espère vous êtes grand, et j'espère que nous pouvons parler bientôt.

Chris,
I don't know if you'll read this; but if you do, then you've made progress. Your words were healing and your spirit is strong. I'm so glad...

D

Don't begin to settle. You've done so well this far, don't let yourself down.

I'm trying my best.

"No parachutes or safety nets here
One foot in the water to face these fears
Coming out strong like I can't be wrong
I said eh, I won't fall in the middle"







Get out of the middle, dammit.
You have to fight. I am.

"Fuck the revolution! They don't talk about the glory of killing for the revolution. What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and his children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a Remembrance Day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day. Where's the glory in that?"


-Bono, November 8, 1987

read about Sunday Bloody Sunday

I had an amazing night. I can't believe how good it was for my soul. Yes, it was good for my soul. Great movie... hanging w/ Mike... reading for FUN at a coffee shop, and seeing a dear sweet friend from high school I haven't seen in so long - Claudia Howell. I can't believe she's in CS, and I can't believe how happy she is with her life - and how happy that makes me - how in love she is with her boyfriend, and how happy she is in the path she's come through.

What more can I say besides praises to the Lord? Who else can orchestrate such an amazing few hours, and teach so faithfully in this time in my life? No one but the Lord. All thanks and praise to יהוה‎

why don't i risk more than i have before? if i always live inside my threshold of "never risking too much" then i'm bound to miss out.

don't miss out.

I'm in Austin.

I'm amazed so much by how the Lord works everything out. When did I decide to take control of my life, and think I can manage? I think that I assumed that each of the issues that came to my plate were either: a) not big enough to just give right over to the Lord; or b) I could handle them and make them go away.

Was I wrong, and was I ever stubborn. I had my eyes pried open and my heart cut repeatedly, before I realized that keeping inside the issues that were bugging me and causing so much frustration and pain - was an awesome idea.

Yeah! I could so take care of all this. I'll just continue to handle this stuff on my own and not talk about it. After all, who can I trust?







Yeah, I can trust the Lord. This angers me sometimes when people say that: "just trust God, it will all be ok..." I get it. I trust God to take care of me, but it seems like such a simply, dumb answer. Maybe it is. I think it is the right one, though. And after all, how can you argue with something you know is right?



You can't. That's why you do what you know to be right. If you're not sure if it is right, or it is the right time for something, then you are completely justified in not doing it. Right? Right.



One time, in all the days.

"what I do is put [it] in cold water and leave it there for about 30 seconds...then I drink it"







-syawg

i was wrong. again. what's new?

i've noticed some things about people in relationships - i'll just list a few of the newer observations.

-you take on physical attributes of the other. i've noticed this in regards to weight. if one of the people in a relationship is a little bigger, then the other one tends to hit the gym less, and puts on some pounds. what motivation is there? that is something that I want quite the opposite of in my relationships... i want there to be encouragement and mutual striving towards being in shape, or at least being healthy.... and i'll be the first to admit that i'm not always the best example.

i can't believe that some people won't sacrifice in a relationship. its not about the big things only - its about the little things - shoes or schedules. why are people so selfish. wow it makes me so mad thinking about this.


-people in relationships slowly ebb away their other friendships... and i think this is naturally how it is supposed to be. why won't some people let this happen? why must they hold on to it, and why must the act so selfishly ignorant. mmm more frustration.



God is the example of relationship. he is firm when he needs to be, he sacrifices continually, but never letting himself be taken advantage of.... (this is kind of not true). i want those thing in a relationship and i want extreme joy.