I'm just gonna start typing

when i sat down after i walked the last ppl out of my house - i wanted to just focus on one thing. i can't focus. i just cant -i can't sit down and do one thing at a time -and it makes me so mad. so i wanted to go turn on the tv, and watch sportscenter and probably flip back and forth between blind date and the world series of poker re-runs. but i didn't - i was just like - let me sit down and get some thoughts out; and i am doing so

its amazing how this world has developed. (to all the weblog readers/internet communication junkies): what would our lives be like if we couldn't communicate through AIM for a day's plans or communicate as to what we were doing that day? Would people know a little more about me had i not had a blog? see i don't know b/c then all the time that we WASTE on the internet we might turn into productive relationship development time. instead of spending X hours reading blogs or talking on AIm or checking email 3,100 times we might call someone up - or just drive (ride a bike even, gasp!) <- wow in the past sentence i've just done 3 things that i really can't stand - like i hate when i see people do them - 1) exaggurate on numbers - to a completely stupid extent 2) i typed out "gasp" to be a sarcastic twit, and it just seems, uh dumb, and i used the <- arrow replacement - see - and i don't want to go back and edit what i do - i jsut want to type and hopefullly you'll have a little insight into how i think and how i just like to let my mind go sometimes. I know it would be easy to edit and me talking about it seems even more ridiculous, but eh, what ya gonna do. ...like i guess we might spend more time talking to people face to face - at least i hope that i would - i feel like for me that wouldn't be a struggle, in fact, i'd love to do that more, and if i can manage my time better and not forfeit opportunities to do so, face to face relationship developement would be ideal - and the best type of development there is. what a waste of time facebook is. what a waste of time AIM is... but i go back and forth on AIm - like - its a great way to communicate, easily and non-awkwardly and quickly - and generally thats how most people would prefer it. we don't have to put up a front or look at someone uncomfortably in the face, or make eye contact - its easy to lie, its easy to ignore, and its definitely easy to hide emotions behind the square foot of glass or liquid in front of you. you insecure person. face your insecurities like a strong person. if you don't think you're strong, you sould test yourself, b/c if you don't test yourself, God knows that He will or someone else will - and then where are you? do something to step outside of your comfort zone. EAT ALONE. SIT BY YOURSELF IN CLASS. WALK ACROSS CAMPUS ALONE. wow - its times when i do that that i feel stronger the insecurities comment brings me to my first lyrics quote of the night. some of my friends might be familiar w/ me saying this or have seen it before from Incubus' Smile Lines
-ill just quote the whole stanza

"I'll never act my age
But you can tell by the lines in my smile
That I have been around for awhile
So, insecurities
Are about as useful as trying
To put the pin back in the grenade."

Now, i'm not one to take every lyric that an artist says to be truth - when in fact they are just words - and after all, if it is not written down somewhere respectable, we can't hold it as truth.
What i am one to do is to take lyrics that i find appropriately applicable and share it with people to whom it might apply - and this is one of those lyrics - dear blog readers, note your insecurities, note their usefulness. do they help you? do they serve any purpose but to expose your weaknesses? do they help you find TRUTH? do they help you in your relationships? are they truly useful in your life???

Now, i know what we might say; yes, they do help me to see where i am weak so i can work on this or that, but can they change you? can they force your hand to stop or start...? no, they cannot; their functional use is non-extant, and it is your securities, your strenghts that aid you in your quest for TRUTH and help you develop into the person God needs you to be.

I guess you know yourself better than God. perhaps He didn't make you, didn't knit you together and He doesn't know your thoughts before you think them. Well, wait. He does. Hmm
so you're telling me that God knows what we think before we say or think it.

"For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether." Ps. 139: 4

Pslam 139 - short and sweet and humbling (sp?) its too much for us to fully comprehend ever. will trying to figure God out get me anywhere? I'm split here - sometimes i think it might. I think that in my quest to figure out what God is up to - giving me a body and a sharp mind and allowing me to think thoughts about Him and the world and people, and myself - and choices as to what i'll do with the knowledge of Him and the world and people, and myself - i mean - what will i do with it? I don't think i'll ever figure it out - but it won't stop me from thinking about it - but when i come to a dead end - with a specific tenant of "faith" or some concept - i'm going to realize that there is an end to what my mind can comprehend. I may or may not have reached that end, but i'm definitely not going to kill myself chasing a trail of bread crumbs to a place i know doesn't end. God's knowledge is infinite, and his words and complete knowledge are way above me, lest my mind be infinite and unlimited as well. If my mind was infinite and unlimited, undoubtedly i would know how to gain limitless power, no? if i knew that, well, then I'd be an ultimate and unlimited being, unbound by (among countless other things) gravity time and physcial demensions. I don't know any human that isn't, therefore i dont know of any human past or present that has an unlimited mind, unbound by humanistic (and physical limitations)

that is, unless my unbound mind knew how to get this power, and knew that it was impossible to do so. then we're just stuck w/ an unlimited mind that has no hands or feet. bummer.

we do however, have a limited mind, with much an under-utilized (eh? work with it.) potential, and those who realize this, and seek to maximize their knowledge and capabilities, well, they (we, i might say of myself sometimes) are a step above. I want to be there - i at least want to ever be on my way. ya know? i don't wanna sit and limit myself, but i don't wanna live a foolish hope that i am unlimited.

Limits. Some people might say that all limits are moveable. i have to disagree. the limits of my hope to travel the world and photograph images all over the world is firm (not immovable). i don't have the money or time. i suppose i can make the time, and the money too, but right now, its just a hope without real potential. now, you might say that if i wanted it bad enough, i'd make it happen. now i'd agree with that - but i'd counter by saying that - none of us want these things we might say (travel the world, make a million dollars - wow now thats not a desperate, shallow desire; sheesh - read 1000 books, write a novel, etc.) that we do want bad enough to go do them. Time is another limit. Right now, lets stick with my idea of travelling and photographing (and writing - and by writing - mostly journalling to myself - and by myself i mean mostly to the people that i would want to share it with - the first thought is my wife - wherever she is. man, i love her.) i really don't have the time. at this point in my life, its best for me to finish school in college station, and then go from there. i mean, who knows maybe after that i'll end up with money enough and time enough and opportunities enough to do this. however, i doubt it.

i just paused - where does this leave us? where does this conclusion leave me. do i really not want it? i really don't know - i mean there's nothing saying i don't want it (or anything else bad enough) it just i guess comes down to where my limits are and when my limits change. Some limits are moveable. Some are temporary. Some will always be there, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. a desire to completely comprehend the Lord? admirable, and something we should strive for, but our limitation to remain eternally unmoved- our finite minds; our finite understanding of time and human nature and human thought. some people can break out of the limitation of "religion" or "existential thought", but those people, no one else, can break past our limited minds as humans. its hard to accept, fight it as you might, but we can't get it all. we just can't. when you think you've got it all, hmm - i suppose you'll know whether or not to tell everyone that God exists or why good things happen to bad people or why Regan sucked and Clinton was the closest we had to God on earth, or whether or not Bush is a complete idiot, or why people thought Kerry would be a great leader, or why Hitler killed himself, or why Arsenal beat Manchester U, or why I can't focus sometimes.

here's some things i'm not saying: we should stop trying to comprehend the mysteries of God or the laws of nature, or we should not hope for things that will never come true. Hm, wait i am saying that if we know that something is never going to happen, we probably should refocus and accept its inevitable impossibility. Sure, you could tell yourself that "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!" However, you might be mistaken. You won't know everything, and you can't do everything ( i learned that this semester as my GPA took quite a detrimental hit). Daniel, you pessimist some might be uttering. Don't tell me I can't do anything I want. Eh, sorry - I'm stuck here w/ some limitations and you are too.

Here's what i am saying: Aim high and expect to hit higher. Aim unrealistically, and don't expect that your real(istic) self can hit COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE targets. Aim at some targets that you think are nearly impossible. NEARLY, not completely, but nearly. If you think of a target as impossible to hit, you're already at least half-way behind. If you think of a target as nearly impossible, but feasible, you're half-way there. Wow, that sounds corny, bad form. What i am saying is this: everything in this world is not possible. I can't get to the top levels of pro football. It is literally impossible (size, strength, knowledge, support, time, money). I cannot make the 51st state and force myself into the United States. Man, i'm stuck. Most things are possible. Think that things are do-able, but don't think that you are super-human; think that you are capable beyond what you might think. Give yourself credit, and definitely don't think you are more incapable than you are. DON'T BE STUPID. There, that sounds good. DON'T BE STUPID.

i'm kinda wanting to talk about how i hope i sound to people, how i hope that i don't sound inconsiderate or rude. but ya know, in all honesty, i'm not living to please people - well theoretically (and mostly in actuality for me) i really don't care what people think of me - they are not my audience. God is my only judge, and his standard is high. Mine needs to be high, because if its really low, what am i doing to myself but underperforming. I mean, i just spit it out for almost 2 hours and if you don't wanna speak with me again, allright. if you wanna hang out or talk, done. if you don't care, i mean, fair enough. I'm not living for you. I'm living for God, and I'm living my life. My life is not mine though, its my Creator's. I have a gift, and i hope i suffer eternally if i didn't use it well, or appreciate it, or respect it, or cherish it.

C.S. Lewis on a later blog. Maybe i'll just talk about my thoughts in person a little more. i feel like i do it enough, but i could always use more. Thanks for reading till the end if you did. I dont know why i'm thanking you, but i mean peole need appreciation, so I'll give it to them, when I feel as if they deserve it. If you haven't stopped reading by now, or have finished through this, I'm really flattered.

Here's a few more quotes from some songs:

Switchfoot's Ode to Chin

"What's your direction?
Tell me what's wrong, tell me what's right
What's your direction?
Think about somebody else for the night
Life's more than girls
God's more than words
You're more than this
So what's your direction?
And where are you now?
Grow, grow where you are
Anchor your roots underneath
Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs."

from Switchfoot's Life and Love and Why

"Life and love and why
Child adult then die
All of your hoping and all of your searching for what?
Ask me for what am I living and what gives me strength that i'm willing to die for
Take away from me this monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living and what gives me strength that I’m willing to die for
Could it be this?
Could it be bliss?
Could it be all that I ever had missed?
Could it be true?
Can life be new?
And can I be used?
Can I be used?
Give me a reason for life and for death
And a reason for drowning while I hold my breath
Something to laugh at a reason to cry
With everyone hopeless and hoping for something to hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for
Could it be true?
Can life be new?
Could it be all that I am is in You?
Could it be this?
Could it be bliss?
Can it be You?
Can it be You?"

good stuff from Foreman and the boys - i got little else

at the end of the day, I'm just Daniel, I'm Daniel! I'm Daniel.

and funny enough, i can breath a sigh of relief because God is God.

Isaiah 45:6
"That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the LORD, and there is none else. "