as i listened to cake's short skirt long jacket song this evening, i realized something that i think my wife will have to do for me. or rather, wants to do for me... and me for her in many ways

"i want a girl who gets up early; i want a girl who stays up late"

i just envisioned my wife urging me out of bed in the early morning hours to go take care of a necessary task. usually when people try and wake me up and i don't have to be up for any significant reason... i can quickly discredit them and their efforts for a few more ZZZZs

but my wife... the woman i'll love and care about more than myself and more than anything i know or will know... i can appreciate and respect her efforts... and be as dedicated to her as she is to me... if not more...

what are you doing?
spread yourself thin once again and some pick up on it.


what are you doing, [in between d & f]
connection? fun? laughs? i know you're sore. i would be too. don't be so tough though.


daniel: what are you doing? how excited are you?


these past few weeks have been pretty crazy - but this weekend the Lord spoke to me greatly. He showed me how to shut up and cry and to see that emotional fulfilment comes from Him and no place else. i can't find it in people (g's) until i know i have found it in the Lord... and I'm getting there...

I just hope you'll wait. i don't know who you are but i want you by my side. maybe you're not out there... and maybe i'll serve in isolation. I'm not going to freak out, but i am going to try and gain perspective. if you walked into my life tomorrow or you already have and you know it. please tell me. if you're not supposed to then don't. i love you.

april 2 has come and gone


i often think about my role in different relationships i've had - friendships and otherwise; as a son, as a brother

i often think that i screw things up and, even in all my psychoanalyzing, i just completely miss it. it worries me, but i find solace in the idea that i really don't dwell on the past much at all. the past is what it is. it has helped me so much, but when i think about it too much, i begin to doubt myself (unhealthily, i might add). in doing so, i'm unable to look forward and live in the here and now.

these past few months have been so odd for me. up and down, distant and far. i have felt so satisfied and at some points so unsatisfied & lonely. above all though, my hunger for the Lord to shape my character into something more legit and more like Him, has grown. I want it more than ever now.
there are some people i wish i could communicate to, and it breaks my heart that i cannot.

j'espère vous êtes grand, et j'espère que nous pouvons parler bientôt.

Chris,
I don't know if you'll read this; but if you do, then you've made progress. Your words were healing and your spirit is strong. I'm so glad...

D

Don't begin to settle. You've done so well this far, don't let yourself down.

I'm trying my best.

"No parachutes or safety nets here
One foot in the water to face these fears
Coming out strong like I can't be wrong
I said eh, I won't fall in the middle"







Get out of the middle, dammit.
You have to fight. I am.

"Fuck the revolution! They don't talk about the glory of killing for the revolution. What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and his children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a Remembrance Day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day. Where's the glory in that?"


-Bono, November 8, 1987

read about Sunday Bloody Sunday

I had an amazing night. I can't believe how good it was for my soul. Yes, it was good for my soul. Great movie... hanging w/ Mike... reading for FUN at a coffee shop, and seeing a dear sweet friend from high school I haven't seen in so long - Claudia Howell. I can't believe she's in CS, and I can't believe how happy she is with her life - and how happy that makes me - how in love she is with her boyfriend, and how happy she is in the path she's come through.

What more can I say besides praises to the Lord? Who else can orchestrate such an amazing few hours, and teach so faithfully in this time in my life? No one but the Lord. All thanks and praise to יהוה‎

why don't i risk more than i have before? if i always live inside my threshold of "never risking too much" then i'm bound to miss out.

don't miss out.

I'm in Austin.

I'm amazed so much by how the Lord works everything out. When did I decide to take control of my life, and think I can manage? I think that I assumed that each of the issues that came to my plate were either: a) not big enough to just give right over to the Lord; or b) I could handle them and make them go away.

Was I wrong, and was I ever stubborn. I had my eyes pried open and my heart cut repeatedly, before I realized that keeping inside the issues that were bugging me and causing so much frustration and pain - was an awesome idea.

Yeah! I could so take care of all this. I'll just continue to handle this stuff on my own and not talk about it. After all, who can I trust?







Yeah, I can trust the Lord. This angers me sometimes when people say that: "just trust God, it will all be ok..." I get it. I trust God to take care of me, but it seems like such a simply, dumb answer. Maybe it is. I think it is the right one, though. And after all, how can you argue with something you know is right?



You can't. That's why you do what you know to be right. If you're not sure if it is right, or it is the right time for something, then you are completely justified in not doing it. Right? Right.



One time, in all the days.

"what I do is put [it] in cold water and leave it there for about 30 seconds...then I drink it"







-syawg

i was wrong. again. what's new?

i've noticed some things about people in relationships - i'll just list a few of the newer observations.

-you take on physical attributes of the other. i've noticed this in regards to weight. if one of the people in a relationship is a little bigger, then the other one tends to hit the gym less, and puts on some pounds. what motivation is there? that is something that I want quite the opposite of in my relationships... i want there to be encouragement and mutual striving towards being in shape, or at least being healthy.... and i'll be the first to admit that i'm not always the best example.

i can't believe that some people won't sacrifice in a relationship. its not about the big things only - its about the little things - shoes or schedules. why are people so selfish. wow it makes me so mad thinking about this.


-people in relationships slowly ebb away their other friendships... and i think this is naturally how it is supposed to be. why won't some people let this happen? why must they hold on to it, and why must the act so selfishly ignorant. mmm more frustration.



God is the example of relationship. he is firm when he needs to be, he sacrifices continually, but never letting himself be taken advantage of.... (this is kind of not true). i want those thing in a relationship and i want extreme joy.

this is a little random

everything is blamed on the "downfall of the family" - divorces and absentee fathers are to blame for most of societies problems: kids underperforming in school, drug usage increase, teenage pregnancy. could it be that there is more to it than family problems.

also this is another thing that is confusing to me. people with no family problems - that is an intact nucleus of father and mother (originals) - seem to be the experts. i would hardly be able to consider myself an expert on family dealings when my mom and dad have been happily married for 25+ ... so if you think you're qualified to speak with authority on family problems - and you still have parents with a strong, consistent marriage - think again. my extended family has had problems - divorce, infidelity, etc. - but i haven't experienced that directly, so where do i have authority to speak?

also, i'll write another letter:


dear **

you are immature. sometimes you cannot get outside of yourself, and you cannot see beyond your own nose. in many senses you are so lucky. what problems do you have? large problems seem to pop up sometimes, but they quickly fade amidst claims of blessing ... the problems don't seem to be that anymore. you're amazing and so great and i love you, but come on - be aware of others around you.

daniel







nb: as in most of my letters to myself, often i am included in some of the accusations.

i want to write more. but i manage my time poorly and i don't leave myself with a lot of time to spare and write or read. my journals suffers, my time with many different people and items suffers. why do i fail at getting it together?

AWESOME. i sometimes feel like i'm defending myself a lot. i wonder what that means. i think it might mean that i'm wrong and there is reason for people to call me out.

this is in vegas. i saw david crowder in a casino in vegas. i wish i could have hung out with him more than i did.

I'm just so confused. Maybe you really don't get it. Maybe I was right on my initial thought.

I do believe I'll keep up with this a little more.

I hope I'll get some more readers here because there are some important thoughts I want to share with many people.

I wish people would understand what a struggle love is. I see a lot of people misunderstanding what love can really mean. Without a struggle, love is, among other things, almost false. Notice how I said 'almost'. It is not false; love untested. It is easy. I think that a lot of people only have experienced easy love.

I have not. I have not only experienced easy love. I'm so happy that I haven't. What a blessing! What a struggle! What a point in the right direction and what a kick in the ass! I'm being serious. I could not imagine how much less sensitive and less aware of my thoughts and actions and how much less observant I might be if I had never had to struggle with (and subsequently embrace) loving people close to me that have "challenged" me in ways they don't know. You just don't know.

I'll finish with a letter to someone whom I suspect won't read it, and if he or she does, then I doubt they'll realize it was meant for them.


Dear ***

You live in a dream world. You think you get reality? You are blind and ingnorant to struggle; real, fleshly, hatred and struggle. When will you realize it? I don't know that you will before God calls you home. That's too bad, because truthfully - you could have an even bigger impact than you already do. You aren't observant, but you're working on it. I love you, and I appreciate the things you've taught me.

Daniel

I doubt so much the people I want to read this will read this. Bummer.

Oh well, here goes.

Dear * *** *** **

I wish you would be brave. I wish you would not get defensive so easily and I wish you would see people's hearts through their actions - not just their actions - this goes along with the first wish of mine - you not being so defensive. Its not about me. Thats ironic, and I wish you could see that.

Come on! Go without a parachute (thats ironic, but you wouldn't know it either) and believe what I say.

Its so hard to enjoy things sometimes, but sometimes you make it easier (in both good ways and bad). So thank you nonetheless.

Daniel


Dear ***** *

Please stop it. Get your head out of your ass, because, for some odd reason, you are choosing to keep it there. Look and see who loves you and how much they do! AHHH. You're so awesome! I mean that so much! So, use all that you have for the best - and not for the worst, because God knows it has nearly killed us both, literally and figuratively.

Daniel