lots of smiles. very pleasant. and other side +'s

how is it that women are so good? it really blows me away sometimes - their knack for observation and memory, etc. its sick. it really is.

this weekend was very fun. travis bearden got married in Tyler, and a bunch of our good friends were all able to get together and have a blast. robbie gentry is a new friend of mine and i'm so glad we got a chance to hang out. i'm excited about chillin with him next year. he and i really seem to have a connection on a different level than most.

really i'm so lucky to have traveled a lot of places. one thing i realized in dc was how happy i will be when i don't have to take my family on a tour bus waiting in line with all the other chump tourists. i've become pretty familiar with the major tourist cities - and i love it. i know that if you put me anywhere close to dc or in any borough in new york city, i can get to any other place. i think.

but all this to say i'm very glad that i have been able to learn my way around major cities in the world.

After 4 days in new york I have a lot of thoughts. The people I got to see and hang out with are awesome. Even if it was only for a short while – and what can you expect now when people have graduated from college or are doing professional work. Either way it was amazing. I must say, on a side note, that I accomplished one of my private, non-listed aims this week as well.

Virginia, a new friend, is an amazing girl; and she has a list of things she wants to accomplish in her life. Some of the things are small, and some are big. But that got me to thinking about my personal list. Over the last few years I definitely have thought of some things that I would want to do before I die. I don’t suppose I’ll list them right now on here, but I might in the future. One thing that I realized this week after talking with one of my best friends, is that people really do look out for number 1. No matter how much they might say that they are not selfish – they really are pretty selfish. Now – with that being said – there are a few people in my life that really hit close to a completely selfless attitude. Derek devine is one of them. If you hang around Derek, he will hardly talk about himself, and even if you ask him, he is so great at bringing the conversation elsewhere. If you have friends like Derek – you should listen and learn from them more – I know I do.

I find myself in a weird situation with my life-timing right now. I’ve finished 4 years of college and for all intensive purposes I should be on the job hunt/working. But I have 1 more year in grad school. So I get to delay it for another year and get a masters. I’m gonna be honest – the program I’m in hasn’t been as hard has I expected - now I’m pretty sure that this next year is going to kick my arse but that's ok because now I’m ready for it – it was tough last year trying to balance my senior year with the first year of grad school – I still had a big social pull – and I know I’ll always have that pull but it was especially hard this past year – and even harder with more time on my hands*

Last time I wrote some letters I got blasted for being arrogant. Maybe my disclaimers didn’t work but, for what it is worth – I think the idea of writing letters on my blog is not arrogant, it might be a little cowardly –since I am not saying this to these peoples’ faces. But I’m pretty sure at least 1 or 2 hit their targets. So I guess it was successful. Like i said to people who know me – at the heart of things – in the big picture perspective – I don’t care a lot about what people think of me. In the small picture, I’ll have to be honest, sometimes I do care what people think. I need to work on that. Man I can’t wait to meet my wife. I wrote In my journal a while back about who I thought it might be – and although it is still a possibility, it is not one right now. And truthfully – if it is not her, then I’m ok with whoever the Lord throws in my way. Wow I can’t wait to love her with everything I have.

jimmy and kelly needham amaze me. they do. their sincerity and their love is unbelievable. one of the things that exemplifies this the most is the fact that kelly got her degree in 3 years - from the business school.

this i'm sure is random, but they are an encouragement to me. seriously.

its all about balance isn't it. you say you love one thing and you loathe doing it. you say you want to do something and you don't go and do it. things get in the way. and i i have a hypothesis that most of the time these things that get in the way are not legitimate. or at the very least - aren't things that are going to really make you happy in the long run. ya know?

i'm surprised, too. and i still wish you read.

And I'm complaining.

Wow, I'm blindsided again. Dan Reiter just passed away - a car accident on Spring Cypress. Ya know, Spring Cypress - the road I travel multiple time each day. Ya know, Dan Reiter from high school. oh wow. i'm so like... i don't have words to type -i just paused and thought about what to type and i don't know. i'm alive. Andrea Gent, William Minor, David Gilbert, Walker Best, and Dan Reiter are not. and i'm complaining about my internship - about driving in traffic and not getting paid, and being bored, and being frustrated. wow. i feel so dumb. i feel so selfish and so dumb and so weird. dan's time was up, and i'm still here. all of these friends' time was up and i've been given more. why do i keep finding things that are wrong. why do i keep finding things to be upset about... i know it can't keep all joyful all the time... maybe i can - the thing i remember about dan reiter is that he never was not smiling and always joyful and - i mean - i know people say that about a lot of people who passed away - but he really did it - he really lived joyfully and servant-hearted and with energy. i didn't keep up with him the past few years but what i remember of him and what i'm confident of is that he was continuing to do s0 - in service and in his life and relationships. oh wow. and i'm complaining. and i'm upset and i'm selfish. i feel so weird and i don't know why - its not like he's on my speed dial or anything - its just familiarity and a reality check i guess. what on earth? why am i so upset by this? why have i let things frustrate me - and other things take my focus. i'm totally zoned really weird right now. i know the Lord is good and His plans are so great. i know this. i'm confident of this in the long run. Lord, I'm so sorry. Dan, I'm so sorry. Family, I'm so sorry. My attitude is so bad, Lord, wipe me out - clean out my mind and break my heart and wash me through. Make me relateable, and make me proud and make me joyful and make me dependent on you and not on myself. make me happy and fill me with your perspective, your wisdom and your joy - but most of all your love. shower the reiters with your love and perspective and wisdom right now. Lord, i beg your peace and i beg you. i beg you.

76 acres in Henderson, TX - my family owns a ranch. wow. crazy. what a blessing. its 1.5 hr from Dallas, 30 mins. from Tyler, 2.75 from College Station.

Just so everyone knows.

The FBI is cool, i enjoy interning there.

I think I'm going to spend 2.2 weeks in the beginning of August in Washington, D.C. and New York City. 2 cities I love and want to visit people in. YES.

Let me know if I can sleep on a couch...

just get me out of the country. i wanna see things. i wanna see big things. i have the rest of my life to see things on the middle level. i wanna see things that i wouldn't be expected to see.

why is there so much more, and its so hard to see it.


why is God's timing so crazy/so right on?


i guess sometimes i doubt that it's so right on.


why am i doing an unpaid internship for 40 hours a week?

why are some people content on never leaving their comfort zone?

why do some people not want to confront hard issues? why do some people not like confrontation? i mean no one loves confrontation, but some people go to ignorantly insane lengths to avoid it... that makes me upset.
why can't i get to bed earlier?

in the mean time i guess i'll keep going, taking rest under the Lord's hand.

some of my favorite places in the world:

-airports
-golf courses
-large, new buildings with carpet

talk about a surreal moment. as i'm cleaning out my room in Spring of all "old stuff" i have my ipod on shuffle and "closing time" by semisonic plays through. as i'm reading back through some old notes (from people and professors), tossing many things into the garbage can, it was a pretty crazy twist of self-realization. moving on, putting stamp on things, going ONLY forward. learning from the past, but never looking back in anger or regret or sheer joy. the past is the past and its...the past. i'm so excited about this summer, about my feelings for this summer and where i'm going to get to by the end of this summer. the only way i can do so - is through the Lord's provision. my hard work + faith in plans =

what are you doing? and where did you come from?

i really like it but i'm not sure about it.

and i go back and forth again with a familiar fight to me: mind v. heart

its a fight i'm familiar with and its a fight the Lord helps me through. it really, to be honest, is a fight i enjoy so much.

both things though, are cut and in repair. i hope those who cut them know that they did so. i'm not mad about it - b/c they need to be cut. definitely. people who's minds and hearts who don't ever get cut or allow them to be in a position where they might be - will have overly sensitive and inexperienced both. i pity those people. life is rich and battle-filled and thats what makes it so amazing. AMAZING. life is amazing. so thank you, guys and gals, for my cuts and battles. i love you all the more for them, and i hope, eventually, we can talk about it. or even if we can't; i know we'll know what we know about it. ha.

i'm praying for you. please pray for me. thank you. i love you. __


who/where


ever you are

as i listened to cake's short skirt long jacket song this evening, i realized something that i think my wife will have to do for me. or rather, wants to do for me... and me for her in many ways

"i want a girl who gets up early; i want a girl who stays up late"

i just envisioned my wife urging me out of bed in the early morning hours to go take care of a necessary task. usually when people try and wake me up and i don't have to be up for any significant reason... i can quickly discredit them and their efforts for a few more ZZZZs

but my wife... the woman i'll love and care about more than myself and more than anything i know or will know... i can appreciate and respect her efforts... and be as dedicated to her as she is to me... if not more...

what are you doing?
spread yourself thin once again and some pick up on it.


what are you doing, [in between d & f]
connection? fun? laughs? i know you're sore. i would be too. don't be so tough though.


daniel: what are you doing? how excited are you?


these past few weeks have been pretty crazy - but this weekend the Lord spoke to me greatly. He showed me how to shut up and cry and to see that emotional fulfilment comes from Him and no place else. i can't find it in people (g's) until i know i have found it in the Lord... and I'm getting there...

I just hope you'll wait. i don't know who you are but i want you by my side. maybe you're not out there... and maybe i'll serve in isolation. I'm not going to freak out, but i am going to try and gain perspective. if you walked into my life tomorrow or you already have and you know it. please tell me. if you're not supposed to then don't. i love you.

april 2 has come and gone


i often think about my role in different relationships i've had - friendships and otherwise; as a son, as a brother

i often think that i screw things up and, even in all my psychoanalyzing, i just completely miss it. it worries me, but i find solace in the idea that i really don't dwell on the past much at all. the past is what it is. it has helped me so much, but when i think about it too much, i begin to doubt myself (unhealthily, i might add). in doing so, i'm unable to look forward and live in the here and now.

these past few months have been so odd for me. up and down, distant and far. i have felt so satisfied and at some points so unsatisfied & lonely. above all though, my hunger for the Lord to shape my character into something more legit and more like Him, has grown. I want it more than ever now.
there are some people i wish i could communicate to, and it breaks my heart that i cannot.

j'espère vous êtes grand, et j'espère que nous pouvons parler bientôt.

Chris,
I don't know if you'll read this; but if you do, then you've made progress. Your words were healing and your spirit is strong. I'm so glad...

D

Don't begin to settle. You've done so well this far, don't let yourself down.

I'm trying my best.

"No parachutes or safety nets here
One foot in the water to face these fears
Coming out strong like I can't be wrong
I said eh, I won't fall in the middle"







Get out of the middle, dammit.
You have to fight. I am.

"Fuck the revolution! They don't talk about the glory of killing for the revolution. What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and his children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a Remembrance Day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day. Where's the glory in that?"


-Bono, November 8, 1987

read about Sunday Bloody Sunday