i understand double checking things over and over... but sometimes you can go overboard.



one of the things that i was told about my job was to make mistakes.... after checking things only a certain number of times, you need to go with it. i'm getting really frustrated this morning, because my boss is being a little hyperactive and making me re-check work that i've already re-checked... and i guess he's trying just to teach me at some point... and he's a finance/accounting guy by trade... so he's a little anal as they come. this is a good thing as a lead analyst, and i'm sure i'll get there too... but sometimes its a little much. and it can really irritate...

I've got a bad feeling and its probably about something different than you think.

big

happy freaking birthday

garrett haake says that he reads blogs all day. i doubt he reads mine.

i doubt as many people read mine as have in the past, and thats kinda a bummer. i see well popular blogs from my a&m network ... like justin wolfshol and mason king's, and i realize that i'm a fringe blogger. now, it stands to be noted that i've been blogging longer than anyone i know, except alfie vittone, but i do enjoy it, even if few people read.

i don't suspect i'm coming up on a time in my life where i'll be able to blog often, but God knows i'll try... i'll try and be honest, and try not to be afraid of typing what i think and feel... like i did long ago, just because some people read my blog.

honesty is easiet with others, and hardest with yourself

there are some jobs where you probably shouldn't be on facebook. here's what i think they are:

a medical doctor
a psychologist
a school teacher
a police officer


i think that if i saw any one of these professionals on facebook, they would become a lot less professional to me. and in each of these professions, professional appearance and confidence is paramount.

M&M bag 7/15

orange: 16
blue: 14
red: 6
green: 10
yellow: 8
brown: 2




brutal brown.

it is definitely a bummer... but sometimes, you can see a breakup coming.

there's a girl i know, and she was not riding a winning horse. it was quite the opposite. i hope she learns. because she's pretty cool.

also, its definitely a bummer, when girls don't get anywhere near the game, because they think they are not supposed to even like sports. that's too bad. social, nay... judeo-christian/psychosocial expectations cage their minds, and make many peoples' hearts sore. love

thats brutal

This past weekend was the fourth of July holiday. I spent some time in Houston with some friends, and especially my girl Jenny.


Around the Fourth of July holiday, there are an unusually ample number of "that's what she said" opportunities. Some of them are not too good, but some are very good. Topics range from traditional 4th activities such as barbecues to baseball games to fireworks... they might include:

-Why don't you rub down the meat before putting it in there?
-Do you have anything to put on these, they're pretty dry...
-Hey, can you get my back...
-We've been waiting here for a while, do we have to wait till dark?
-Wow, that one was huuuge!
-I didn't like that one very much
-I can't believe I spent that much money, for only a few minutes excitement






Although i thought about writing this blog over the weekend, it wasn't nearly as funny as i thought it would be.


you need to start a blog.

settle down for a little bit now, adventure when the time is ripe.


ok. i can do that.

m&m count:

red: 6 (+1 broken; '7')
brown: 7
blue: 11
orange: 12
yellow: 9
green: 14


and you know what they say about the green ones

here's who i've noticed gets on facebook the most:

not necessecelery in any order:

-unemployed graduates
-young, married wives
-nosy adults
-bored workers


do people feel the need to update everyone on what they're doing all the time? Some people do. What did young, married couples (wives) do about sharing wedding photos before there was facebook and flickr? How would anyone know that Sarah is visiting her best friends in the world?! REUNION, or that Johnny wishes he didn't have to go to work.

Believe me, i'm a bored worker right now, but once i stop being a bored worker, i'll spend a lot less time on facebook. Its not as though i spend hours on it now. But, since I have been on it during the peak hours of the working day 8am - 5pm... the conversations, and wall posts, and photo album edits, etc. that i have noticed are absolutely by mostly people in these categories (save the last, i just mention bored workers ... because they are the simple observers, with a rare comment here and there)

I don't know what's creepier... adults who are on facebook too much, or young single dudes that are on facebook too much? I think both might believe that a relationship may be kindled thereupon.

I also don't know what's greater... productivity (profits, revenues, and earned value) lost by a corporation who allows facebook to be accessed, or the hours wasted by the 4 aforementioned groups on facebook, when they could all be doing more productive things...

but then again... when has productivity and work ever been more fun than viewing vacation and "summer 2k8" photos?

i don't think i can say some of the things i want to say on my blog anymore.

i think my cutoff might be 1975+.

i think.

so if you were born before 1975... don't bother.

its "take your kids to work day" here at Raytheon. i'm bored, so i decided to go zoink one of the free duncan donuts. as i walk down to the cafeteria area, i observe 3 different situations that i found very funny. 1 made me laugh out loud.

1. Man sitting down in front of a tri-fold board about the Native American Employees Association - his co-worker/friend has obviously stopped to introduce his children. As I pass, i hear the demonstrator say to his friend's 14/15 yr old daughter, "Yah, I have one, too. She looks like you, She's a little shorter, a little bit thinner, and has lighter hair."

So i processed it, and then realized that this girl was easily old enough to have been insulted by it. [insert reminiscence of awkward middle school pubescent-developmental stages]. Then it occured to me - I hadn't really got a good look at this girl. So i thought, "hmm do I turn around and take a quick glance... not yet... wait till I'm a little bit farther down the hall..."

[daniel glances]

The girl really wasn't that chubby. I mean, I've got some chub to me, and she did, too. But I found it very funny, and let out a chuckle (man, that word is weird), and smiled as i went down the hall.

2. I'm walking behind a dad and his 2 sons, when I hear the middle school-aged son blurt out: "Oh, dad! At band camp, Johnny brought these cookies, they were shaped like little people, they were so good, and we ate them all the time."

This isn't that funny, but i did want to record that I actually heard a sincere "this one time at band camp..." quotation

3. I'm walking behind a dad and his daughter. Daughter (13-15?ish?) walks past a doorway, sees the silver, rounded square button of a handicapped access door opener, and punches it. Dad: "don't do that". I thought it was funny, dad instructs her to abstain from impulsively acting, 15 seconds after the fact.


Thats it. This wasn't as funny as I thought it would be. Good news: i get to leave work in 35 minutes. What about you?

Here are the results of a little observation/counting.
My hypothesis is true - there are more of my 'friends' who have taken only their new name, and not included their old maiden name.

Maiden name in facebook name: 26
(those with 'maiden' name in single quotation marks): 10
Only new (husband's) name: 34

hyphenated: 1

i discussed this with jenny last night: why some of my married friends dropped their maiden names on facebook, and others do not. and i think my thoughts were fairly accurate.

i'll do a count today, since i'll probably be bored, of my married friends, and how many kept their old names on facebook account, and who didn't. but i'm gonna go out and say - i think there might be more who only took their new name, and didn't put their old name on their facebook profile.

i'll qualify "friends" as this - i'm friends with them on facebook, or if i don't know them, i know (am friends with) their husband.

stay tuned.



oh, you need to blog.

this was great bag of original skittles:

yellow -- 11
green -- 11
orange -- 9
purple -- 9
red: 19

COMMUNITY>COFFEE

i've realized a few things this morning.

as i'm waiting for my clearances here at my new job, i'm amazingly bored. i have done very little substantive work, and its kinda been wearing on me. its ok - because i know that this is part of the industry i work in. i just wish it could speed up a little bit. for all of the new hires waiting for clearances, there is a huge room they call "the colony"... where they all wait together till they get cleared, then they go up with their supervisors to do classified work. my boss found a place for me up in our building just outside of the classified area (where i don't have access to yet), where i can be close, sit in on some meetings, and meet some of the people who i'll be working with.

but strangest thing... in my little cube, in my little hall, i have met 1 of the 6 people around me, and not surprisingly i'm sleepy and bored. I realized this - i don't need coffee when i have community. if i could come in the morning and say hello to people around me, and get to work with these people, etc. I would not be yawning and nearly falling asleep, and needing coffee, and watching the clock as hours creep by.

i know thats how it goes, but i do know that i realized for me, its incredibly important that I have people around me.

funny thing just happened... 2 young guys just stopped by my office - and Lindsey, my friend who told me about the opening here, told me about them - nice guys who are in our department. it was great to meet them, and i look forward to working with them. ha. its funny how that happens - literally right in the middle of me writing about community.

i can't wait to get started on my program- i just met my program manager... seems like a really nice guy. he's the guy i'll be reporting to.


---


Also recently, i've been conflicted, or my thoughts have just been stirred about a topic - blue collar work. or not blue collar work per se, but work that doesn't necessarily require highly skilled training or education. i'll explain... there is a nice guy i've seen around the campus here - he wears this cool bank of america hat, and he's black. he is some kind of maintenance guy/staff support - i'm not sure what his title is, but he's really nice. i don't know what kind of training he has or what his story is, or what education he has... etc. but i know this: if i was in a position like that, i think that i would be a little bitter. now i must be clear here - i want to explain how humbled i feel to have got to the position i am in - i have an incredible job, and got to get my masters in 5 years, and i don't necessarily feel like i've earned the things that i have... which i guess is good... i'm amazingly grateful to my parents, to my friends, to the Lord, for all that i have - opportunities, importantly.

what i am NOT saying is that this guy is unhappy, or unfulfilled, or upset, or bitter, or angry, or jealous, or whatever. i don't know his mindset, and quite honestly - i will ALWAYS wish peace and happiness upon people - doing whatever they want as a job, serving wherever they feel led, etc. i know that people won't find soul-filling happiness outside of the Lord, but i do know that they can enjoy what they do, if they enjoy what they do. my observation is simply this - that if i was in a position like his, ***and i knew that i was capable of more*** i would not enjoy it, and might hold a bit of resentment. now, i can't truly know if i would feel this, because i haven't been in a situation like that, yet. but i'm just conjecturing, and blogging, and this is where i like to share some thoughts.

i'll tell you this much too, you should probably start blogging, and stop just reading. this is directed at someone different.


the astros are doing fairly poorly as of late, but thats ok.

i'm really bummed that payday is still a week away, and i've been workign for a week and a half. brtual.

jenny is so great. this girl is really special.

don't vote for john mccain because your mother wants you to.


or because your father wants you to.


vote for john mccain because YOU believe he's the best candidate.


but i'm forced to type here that you can vote for john mccain for whatever reason you want. but if you're over 21 and/or married and/or graduated and/or strong enough to think independently...

i think i'm almost past the edge, crescendo, tipping point, next big thing, etc.

actually i think i'm in the middle of it. and i'm not scared. i thought i would be a little scared, but i'm not. i'm more nostalgic than anything - and not of anything beyond 2 or 3 years ago. perhaps thats because in the past 2 - 3 years i have figured a lot of things out. these things are not limited to the following:


- that me and my parents have become closer, as well as me and my brother
- that age is not as big a deal as it seems, or has seemed to me
- that i can't stand things that are "just the way they are"
- that i know of no other thing greater than the unselfish love of the Lord
- that i know that God loves us, and hates what we've done in classification and judgement
- i won't be doing any one thing for an extended period of time, for a while...
- i love people more than i even thought
- i've chilled out, and thats a great thing
- talk a lot less
- a lot less
- a hell of a lot less
- everyone gets lonely. even young married couples. even happily social individuals. even businessmen. even parents who have less to do than before.
- people can become far too stingy.
- people need to get out of debt quickly
- people who do things that are far below their talent level - will eventually feel unfulfilled and disappointed in themselves
- i'm glad when people figure out that sometimes the reason they are bored, is because they sit idly on their hands, missing the challenge they once thrived on, grew from, learned from, and blanaced SO WELL.
- move along
- proximity
- patience

no one updates their blogs that often. good bloggers do. maybe i'm not one. maybe i am.

insomnia.

i think its interesting to see blogging's popularity increase over the years. i have seen numerous friends start blogging, then fall off, some even start again, then disappear.

not to say that there were a few months at a time when i didn't blog, but still... i've been at this game for a while. and i'm glad. i'm not even a very good blogger. the pro-bloggers update more often and have more insightful things to say. in fact, there is only a rare blog of mine that is dynamic, and or funny or exciting. with that being said. i'm proud to have a random blog that menas a great deal to me and few other people.

if you're reading this and don't understand me; know this - i believe in communication and community, and relationships. and i believe that these things occur and develop most in this order: face-to-face, via the telephone, via written comm, then digital/modern media.

any relationship begun in any way other than face-to-face, lacks a bit of sincerity, and has more room for error, at lease INITIALLY. development can take it into a better realm, but not without a great deal of work.

that being said, anyone who does not pursue realtionships in their community, i believe is missing out on a great deal.


THAT being said, pursuing too many realtionships can cause problems, and i'm one to know.

but closing yourself off to only a few, i think, can be boring and can take away an edge of your personality. certainly, there shouldn't be 5 new relationships brewing in your life at any random point, but i think you see what i'm saying. i guess its because i hate when people are WAYYYY too comfortable. don't get me wrong - i'm certainly one who likes to be comfortable. i know that there is a time and place for it, too. and i can't wait to enjoy some comfortable time in my new life in dallas. but i always want to grow. and so should you.

i think that a true artist does not care what people think of their art. they do not care whether the song they write or the poetry they compose is received well by an audience, or not. they just do it. so when someone says "you need to appreciate the bravery and fear that an artist must accomplish", i can do so. however, i won't respect it as much as the artist with the attitude that says "to hell with what you think, i'm in love with my art. i'm in love with the way i express it, and the way i create it, and the way it touches my soul."

i think that those times where an artists' creations are received well and enjoyed by an audience (the larger the better, most likely), must be icing on the proverbial cake. if you don't like someones' art, thats fine. but appreciate their passion in making it.

and even if you don't, true, obsessed artists couldn't give a damn what you think.



i think thats why bands like radiohead and oasis have been around for a while, and even though their creations aren't as well received in the United States as other artists, they have enjoyed careers that span decades and sleep under the glow of grammies and platinum Billboard awards.

The idea of middle-to-late aged women sitting around during the middle of the day and looking at facebook profiles and picture albums - bothers me. Isn't the whole idea of community slightly sabotaged when communication, congratulations, rejoicing, and encouragement take the form of keyboards and mini-feeds?

I enjoy facebook for any number of reasons... not the least of which is ease and convenience of communication. However, a social-networking tool such as facebook is, was not initially designed to be a spy-tool, a gossip-wheel, or a PRIMARY means of communication... especially for individuals in parental positions and with responsibilities far greater than a term paper or reading reviews.

Still, I must express my belief in freedom of individuals to do whatever they would like. To that end, I blieve greatly in personal liberty to join or do or say anything, so long as it does not infringe or drastically impair the common rights of others, to that same liberty.

all at once, the world can overwhelm me.

i got AA back to back. the first time, i end up scooping a pot (275), on a sick, sick call. board reads K-8-2-10-7, dumbass makes it 65 after i check it to him, and when he value bet 65, i looked at the pot, and decided to gamble.

he said: I got a pair.
i said: how big?
he said: real small
railbirds: "hurry up guys..."
i said: turn it up

i said: ship it.

i love my brother so much

derek webb is not afraid to write lyrics that ring true, and will ruffle feathers. he bases so much of his music, and specifically his lyrics, in truth, and love. and if you haven't figured out that love takes the form of upsetting people sometimes, then welcome to life.

"there are two great lies that i've heard.
the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die.
that jesus christ was a white, middle-class republican, and if you wanna be saved, you have to learn to be like him."

i learn from people i don't expect to learn from, sometimes. sometimes, those people are people that i THINK i DON'T want to learn from.

i just ran into my advisor here at the Bush school and it literally has been over a year since i spoke with her. students are matched up with advisors, and i'm not sure how often everyone meets theirs, but the only thing i asked of her was to approve my internship form for last summer. anyhow, as i'm up here on a sunday morning (gasp) I forgot my access card at home, and she was walking in and could get into the building. so she recognized me and said, how are you doing, haven't seen you in a while... etc. then asked me about jobs. i told her that i'd likely have a choice between DoD in DC or Raytheon in Dallas, and she gave me a piece of advice i had heard before but i really believe now... go do the job that will give you more specific training and experience. and right now the cost controls job at raytheon will do that.

but the other night, many of my grad student buddies gave me grief for possibly passing up on the opportunity to work in the five-sided building.

and there's the idea of having great community already there in Dallas. although i don't doubt i could find community in DC. and theres jld

Standing on a building
I am a lightning rod
And all these clouds are so familiar
Descending from the mountain tops
The gods are threatening
But I will return an honest soldier

coffee seems more effective on friday.

wow, when it rains, it pours.

hfbi
dr
wdcdod

i don't get it sometimes.

dammit why is it that some people just take and take and don't give

sometimes i give my friend brad a ride. often times it is done at the last second as he's late for class, or doing something. and tonight, as i'm relaxing at watching a movie for class, then napping... a few things that i enjoy as "leisure" he cannot go drop off one of our other roommates for a test. i don't get it. he always asks for rides, but doesn't usually give them. its frustrating. i hardly EVER ask for a ride, partially because i like being self sufficient and do not enjoy being at the mercy of others for something that i could probably do myself.

also, i try my best to express my feelings, and i hate leaving something unresolved with anyone. i don't care if its my mom, if its a recruiter for a company or any one of my friends, i hate walking away from something without making some kind of attempt at a resolution. it just sucks.


i doubt anyone has been reading my blogs since high school, nor do i think people would be interested in looking at my archives, but like i've said numerous times, i don't write this blog FOR anyone. its a vent for myself. so accordingly, i welcome comments, but will make few apologies.

"a real man makes his own luck"

-billy zane, titanic

i find it very funny that political discussions and political passions seemed to have faded, or at least been put on the backburner for the time being. it is very telling of the overall idea of political interest, only when there is a vote, or a huge political issue, do people begin to take sides, talk about issues, and debate passionately. over the past few weeks since the primaries, i have been engaged in increasingly less political conversations. i find it funny, because, like some sports fans, some "politically interested people" are fair-weather.

i'm not sure why, but i'm extending my desire for challenge to this.


you annoy me, r

lauren lewis passed away a few days ago, and even though i didn't know her, many of my friends did. looking at her profile and reading different things, i am reminded how lucky i am. how lucky everyone is. i've lost 4 people i would consider friends during college - friends who's number i had in my cell phone. all to car accidents.

please be safe. please. enjoy every moment. i feel like a 13 year old writing on her myspace page, but its true. i can't tell you how true it is.

i'm surprised that i have such a sorrowful feeling, and sadly it reminds me of that time i felt it during the past few years.  usually my thoughts on death are pretty deterministic and 'real'; but this feels different. 

wow

wow i really am sad for her friends, and sad that she didn't get to experience life past 20. 

life has to be valued, and not wasted. don't waste your time.

wow

man

wow

i told my manager last night at Fish Daddy's (i'm a server there) 2 things; and i told him that i mean both of them seriously.

1. i will stay on as long as you need me, to the end of the shift (10pm) if need-be
2. i have an extremely complex assignment coming up and i was out of town in DC all last week and weekend; thus i have a hell of a lot of work to do.

he tells me that he's looking to get out early too (not facetious), and was looking to make cuts quickly and get us checked out and home.

so sure enough, i try to be extra nice, bust my ass, clearing my tables (pre-bussing) before the busboys wipe down the tables, do my sidework, stay on top of things... and he even complements me on my efforts - pretty unusual... and keeps me on till 10pm. i was very upset. i really felt like this guy, only 2 yrs older than me @ 25, was testing me, to see if i would complain to him, etc. i was pissed, so upset. i even came in early too. man that sucked. and so i tried my best to keep it to myself - and i managed to do a good job, and i didn't gossip and talk behind his back like everyone else does when the managers piss them off. but i just felt tested, and i didn't like it - especially form a guy who i get along with very well, and have good conversations with and business, mangement, etc....

i mean come on.


the whole time though, i was upset, i kept reminding myself that i want to be a man of my word. obviously i wouldn't have walked out of the resturaunt, but i wanted to have such a bad attitude, and be so pissy to him; instead i just avoided him, and got my shit done. but come on.

i'm not freaking out completely about my school work, as i have a job offer. its in DC, and i'm excited. its looking like i may end up there - in DC at least for this next year. and that makes me excited. even though there is a cute blond/blue in waco.



like i tell people often, i love challenge, i love being challenged, and last night was one of those times. it was tough, and i was pissed, but thats how you grow. i guess.

i'm in DC for capstone, and its been very fun. i had a great night last night, and more importantly, i had great, challenging, stimulating conversation. man i love conversation.

its really cold here too

i'm not sure what i'm gonna do about the job offer.

again, i spoke of challenge and tough times - how everyone goes through them and how i think that they should.

in class just now, my friend gave up her seat to a classmate because 'it was his seat'.

i don't get that.

if people get upset over little things like that, then they lack perspective. they lack a perspective of temperment, a perspective of interaction, and slightly, a perspective of people.

be uncomfortable

its a world that few people know. and even fewer want to know it. its where grown men (and women) can compete and be brave.

its where you can compete, win, and lose.  

its a world that i enjoy, not love, enjoy.  and right now - that world has been as cold as f*3830g hell. 

its so cold, and i want to be so upset and angry. i want to be so mad and ludicrous and irate, but i'm fighting it.  i need some help dealing with it - and i really have only 1 friend who knows about it.  he's a good friend, he's loyal and intelligent and i'm so proud of him; so proud that he is one of my boys.

dammit i'm so mad.

listening to ghostland observatory (check them out on myspace or search for them in itunes)

brings me back to ACL - I had an amazing time. Simply amazing.  It was there that I began to like this sweet girl named Jenny Diamond. 

It was an incredible weekend - not to mention one of my best friends Will Lanier. He's over in England working on his graduate work in Philosophy at Oxford. Also - I love his girlfriend Dawn.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today - she was telling me that she couldn't imagine dating this guy (who she had gone on 1 date with) who wanted to settle down on his family ranch near Austin - because she would be 5 hours away from her family.  I get it. I get that she loves her family and they are always together - never far apart - only miles separate their houses - but I just am reminded of how necessary it is for us to be challenged, to be uncomfortable.  I wanted to just impart to her the perspective of "leaving your family" or "really being out on your own", but some people are just a little too insistent on what they have their mind set on.

the "senior scramble"

michael fermier, my roommate for 3 years, told me this morning that he saw a girl named Megan.  I guess we both knew who she was, or at least he thought that I did, and when I asked who she was, Mike said that she was an ex-girlfriend of another friend of ours, Aaron, who is now engaged to someone else.  I asked what she was up to, and mike said that she was not married. 

ha.

then mike clawed on my doorpost and said - "Its the Senior Scramble; everyone clawin' to get a piece."

i thought that was pretty funny.

take care of each other. release to each other.

if you are not discussing important and challenging things with your "close friends" then you don't have close friends.

if you are keeping everything inside, and not talking about hard things, then you are lying to yourself.

release. please. you'll feel so much better.  i'll listen.

this is nothing new, but i was reminded how much people like to talk about themselves, or their experiences.

its really kind of annoying, and i'm positive that i do it as well.

i've read before that talking about yourself is a kind of defense mechanism, and it makes sense. think about the times that you begin talking about yourself when you don't generally want to. aren't they times in interpersonal situations where you feel a little bit awkward?

its not? then you're just talking about yourself on regular interactions.
did someone ask you about what you've done or something for you to explain? great! this is generally the only time i try and talk about myself. being so focused outwardly is crucial to being a good friend, a good love, a good son or daughter. but more importantly, you become so much more aware of what's around you. you might find yourself saying things like "oh, i didn't see that" or "oh, i didn't hear that"... a lot less.

ask questions, and be sincere. live and be interested outside of yourself. don't tout how much you might have to study, how many finals you have, or the things you have to get done. get them done and battle in those fights with perseverance and the strength you petition from the Lord. of course its necessary to seek support from your friends, especially when there are things that cannot be accomplished in the short-term or are issues deeply and painfully affecting you.

that being said, don't hesitate to ask for help in situations where you need it. battling by yourself, and getting in the habit of being too stubborn to ask for some aid... makes little sense in the long run. if you think you can handle big issues by yourself, you're wrong. i'm wrong for thinking that i can figure out my job situation by myself, to figure out my classes and projects and everything by myself. its prideful, and i am and you are, a fool for doing it.

God's so very gracious to look past all the times we ignore him, or intentionally disobey him. how can we not be thankful for that, thankful that he is always as anxious to love you and forgive you, every single time that we screw up.

really i can't believe that its been over 2 weeks since i posted last. times are flying by; this semester is almost over. my friend elisabeth started a blog. holla. ejexplains.blogspot.com

sometimes i wonder if i should pursue a career in sports. i spend enough time talking and thinking about it.

it could be the weather; however i think that a lot of ****s are st****** their *****ds within this past week or this coming week.


YIKES!

i think sometimes i've undervalued myself.

i think that i should change a little of this attitude.

especially remembering what i learned in Europe

i wonder if you read this. if you do, i hope you can understand how to be flexible, and understand that its ok to change sometimes. i hope you'll stop being scared and start to do things to challenge yourself.






band of horses is a new group that miori told me about that, like he said, I'm fairly certain i will be a big fan of for a long, long time.

thanks j-sal

i can't believe how quickly time flies. people say that often; but its incredibly true. quickly: late AUGUST turns into EARLY NOVEMBER, and the fall nears an end. what did i do with my time? i feel like i've been oddly constructive, and oddly lazy. i can't tell how i feel about these past few weeks. time will tell.

jenny

I am continually amazed at how the Lord truly takes care of our hearts when we ask Him to. When we just do it half-heartedly and out of repetition and pattern, it is very hard to hear sincerity in your petition. But when we find ourselves at a point where we know we shouldn't be or we know we need help, sincerity seems to flow easier.

"guys i don't expect you to understand this; but i can relate to Monica Lewinski"
-e (rifle, shotgunn, .44magnum)

"a woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle"
-u2

its noble, wanting to go on a mission. sometimes i realize its an obedience to the Lord. but sometimes, i think people miss the big picture when they just think about 1 aspect of missions, or Christianity.


i just spent an incredible few days with an incredible girl.


i'm still looking for a long-term and short-term job


i don't ever want to be boring.


boring; brutal; bummer; barely; blessings; break-out

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want

if you're afraid to ask hard questions, then shut the hell up.

i have a suspicion that there is maybe 6 or 7 people that read this every 2 weeks or so.

quick thoughts on facebook: there are some people who don't need to be on facebook. from day 1 - i was worried that facebook would be come creepy and public like myspace. i think facebook also is a cop-out to communication in some ways - and in other ways its very convenient and easy to use. but there are some people that don't need to be on facebook. like myspace, its just an invitation to creeps and perverts who can now register and join, and look at groups and stalk college and high school students. its another way for people to be impersonal and live behind a screen. i use facebook because it has some great features, but when it comes to keeping up with people in my life that i truly care about, i'll get a hold of them in person or by phone at the least.

also, there is not a need for some other people to be on facebook. i'm going mainly at adults here. the adults in my graduate school classes (Al, the HPD officer, Noe the CSPD investigator, Griffin the married guy, among many others) aren't on it. and sure - i understand that some adults who interact with students regularly might have some purpose for it; but then again - isn't there an area of life where students need some autonomy? i'm not here to tell anyone what to do and what not to do - i'm just confused by some people's actions. honestly there comes a point where people need to let go. this is applicable not only to a parent, but also to a freshly ended relationship, etc. and stalkbook makes it a little harder to let go; sometimes. there are lots of great benefits to the internet and free flow of information, but stalking and nosiness are byproducts that i'm not a huge fan of. no one is i think.

sometimes i think people test me. and sometimes i wish they would. i would like to hear - at the end of some frustrating situation i'm involved in - someone goes: "dan, we [or i] were just kidding about that. i just wanted to see what you would do, and how you would handle that".

i wish people knew how much i care about them. what i wouldn't do to make sure they are enjoying life and being happy. then i think to myself - maybe some people are - and me not being in their life is the best thing for a while. as much as it is a blow to my pride, i need to learn to accept this, and be consistent in my saying "whatever i can do (or not do) to help". i just wish someone could point out when i should or shouldn't be there. because sometimes i feel like a complete jackass, overly annoying, and a hinderer to their enjoyment. sometimes i feel like this on the basketball court. i'm not good at hoops. i'm maybe a 5.2 on a 1-10 scale, and when i wanna go play - usually with people who are way better than me - i feel like a tag along. so i do my best to contribute, and not take dumb shots, or look too stupid.

i just wish everyone could feel comfortable in talking with me. especially the people i care about - because at the end of the day - they take priority.

i think this is more of the 5-th year funk i'm experiencing - with fewer friends in town, fewer people to go hang out with and do things with. here's the honest truth: i love it. i'm so glad that my hand is forced to stay at home, and be responsible, look for a job, and get my shit together. because, as i found out this weekend - there is always time for a good time. i know people say that you should maximize your time in college - and i feel like i have - i have a lot of fun stories (which some might consider lame), and i've had a hell of a time, but there is something in me that is ready for the next challenge. believe me - now that i'm back from the summer - i'm glad i have another year in college station, and there are only a few things that i would trade for it (extensive travel - with my family perhaps - and "the perfect job" - of which there are very few) but i'm so glad i get to spend another year near my brother, close to my folks, and with the few remaining people in college station that i wanna hang out with.

in the mean time, i'll do my best to understand my role in different situations, and try and focus on what i need to do. but more than what I need to do; i wanna be available to drop anything i'm doing to help or hang out with those i love. and i want to learn what i don't know about them. this is my greatest challenge - and God has been helping me with it very slowly, but surely - to shut the hell up and listen. to not talk and be a sounding board. my time will come to give advice or give my opinion - but for the rest of my life, i want to make sure that is secondary to opening my ears, and opening my eyes. I ask for your help, anyone who might read this, in showing me, and talking to me about how i can do this better.


Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

isaiah 40:28-31

i have a few problems with how you interact with people. it makes me question the idea of being engaged before you are 22. i don't think people have experienced enough to fully go through with an engagement and marriage when they are still desiring things that a mature, married family-person would not.

this post, though scantly read, will make sense to very few.

lots of smiles. very pleasant. and other side +'s

how is it that women are so good? it really blows me away sometimes - their knack for observation and memory, etc. its sick. it really is.

this weekend was very fun. travis bearden got married in Tyler, and a bunch of our good friends were all able to get together and have a blast. robbie gentry is a new friend of mine and i'm so glad we got a chance to hang out. i'm excited about chillin with him next year. he and i really seem to have a connection on a different level than most.

really i'm so lucky to have traveled a lot of places. one thing i realized in dc was how happy i will be when i don't have to take my family on a tour bus waiting in line with all the other chump tourists. i've become pretty familiar with the major tourist cities - and i love it. i know that if you put me anywhere close to dc or in any borough in new york city, i can get to any other place. i think.

but all this to say i'm very glad that i have been able to learn my way around major cities in the world.

After 4 days in new york I have a lot of thoughts. The people I got to see and hang out with are awesome. Even if it was only for a short while – and what can you expect now when people have graduated from college or are doing professional work. Either way it was amazing. I must say, on a side note, that I accomplished one of my private, non-listed aims this week as well.

Virginia, a new friend, is an amazing girl; and she has a list of things she wants to accomplish in her life. Some of the things are small, and some are big. But that got me to thinking about my personal list. Over the last few years I definitely have thought of some things that I would want to do before I die. I don’t suppose I’ll list them right now on here, but I might in the future. One thing that I realized this week after talking with one of my best friends, is that people really do look out for number 1. No matter how much they might say that they are not selfish – they really are pretty selfish. Now – with that being said – there are a few people in my life that really hit close to a completely selfless attitude. Derek devine is one of them. If you hang around Derek, he will hardly talk about himself, and even if you ask him, he is so great at bringing the conversation elsewhere. If you have friends like Derek – you should listen and learn from them more – I know I do.

I find myself in a weird situation with my life-timing right now. I’ve finished 4 years of college and for all intensive purposes I should be on the job hunt/working. But I have 1 more year in grad school. So I get to delay it for another year and get a masters. I’m gonna be honest – the program I’m in hasn’t been as hard has I expected - now I’m pretty sure that this next year is going to kick my arse but that's ok because now I’m ready for it – it was tough last year trying to balance my senior year with the first year of grad school – I still had a big social pull – and I know I’ll always have that pull but it was especially hard this past year – and even harder with more time on my hands*

Last time I wrote some letters I got blasted for being arrogant. Maybe my disclaimers didn’t work but, for what it is worth – I think the idea of writing letters on my blog is not arrogant, it might be a little cowardly –since I am not saying this to these peoples’ faces. But I’m pretty sure at least 1 or 2 hit their targets. So I guess it was successful. Like i said to people who know me – at the heart of things – in the big picture perspective – I don’t care a lot about what people think of me. In the small picture, I’ll have to be honest, sometimes I do care what people think. I need to work on that. Man I can’t wait to meet my wife. I wrote In my journal a while back about who I thought it might be – and although it is still a possibility, it is not one right now. And truthfully – if it is not her, then I’m ok with whoever the Lord throws in my way. Wow I can’t wait to love her with everything I have.

jimmy and kelly needham amaze me. they do. their sincerity and their love is unbelievable. one of the things that exemplifies this the most is the fact that kelly got her degree in 3 years - from the business school.

this i'm sure is random, but they are an encouragement to me. seriously.

its all about balance isn't it. you say you love one thing and you loathe doing it. you say you want to do something and you don't go and do it. things get in the way. and i i have a hypothesis that most of the time these things that get in the way are not legitimate. or at the very least - aren't things that are going to really make you happy in the long run. ya know?

i'm surprised, too. and i still wish you read.

And I'm complaining.

Wow, I'm blindsided again. Dan Reiter just passed away - a car accident on Spring Cypress. Ya know, Spring Cypress - the road I travel multiple time each day. Ya know, Dan Reiter from high school. oh wow. i'm so like... i don't have words to type -i just paused and thought about what to type and i don't know. i'm alive. Andrea Gent, William Minor, David Gilbert, Walker Best, and Dan Reiter are not. and i'm complaining about my internship - about driving in traffic and not getting paid, and being bored, and being frustrated. wow. i feel so dumb. i feel so selfish and so dumb and so weird. dan's time was up, and i'm still here. all of these friends' time was up and i've been given more. why do i keep finding things that are wrong. why do i keep finding things to be upset about... i know it can't keep all joyful all the time... maybe i can - the thing i remember about dan reiter is that he never was not smiling and always joyful and - i mean - i know people say that about a lot of people who passed away - but he really did it - he really lived joyfully and servant-hearted and with energy. i didn't keep up with him the past few years but what i remember of him and what i'm confident of is that he was continuing to do s0 - in service and in his life and relationships. oh wow. and i'm complaining. and i'm upset and i'm selfish. i feel so weird and i don't know why - its not like he's on my speed dial or anything - its just familiarity and a reality check i guess. what on earth? why am i so upset by this? why have i let things frustrate me - and other things take my focus. i'm totally zoned really weird right now. i know the Lord is good and His plans are so great. i know this. i'm confident of this in the long run. Lord, I'm so sorry. Dan, I'm so sorry. Family, I'm so sorry. My attitude is so bad, Lord, wipe me out - clean out my mind and break my heart and wash me through. Make me relateable, and make me proud and make me joyful and make me dependent on you and not on myself. make me happy and fill me with your perspective, your wisdom and your joy - but most of all your love. shower the reiters with your love and perspective and wisdom right now. Lord, i beg your peace and i beg you. i beg you.

76 acres in Henderson, TX - my family owns a ranch. wow. crazy. what a blessing. its 1.5 hr from Dallas, 30 mins. from Tyler, 2.75 from College Station.

Just so everyone knows.

The FBI is cool, i enjoy interning there.

I think I'm going to spend 2.2 weeks in the beginning of August in Washington, D.C. and New York City. 2 cities I love and want to visit people in. YES.

Let me know if I can sleep on a couch...

just get me out of the country. i wanna see things. i wanna see big things. i have the rest of my life to see things on the middle level. i wanna see things that i wouldn't be expected to see.

why is there so much more, and its so hard to see it.


why is God's timing so crazy/so right on?


i guess sometimes i doubt that it's so right on.


why am i doing an unpaid internship for 40 hours a week?

why are some people content on never leaving their comfort zone?

why do some people not want to confront hard issues? why do some people not like confrontation? i mean no one loves confrontation, but some people go to ignorantly insane lengths to avoid it... that makes me upset.
why can't i get to bed earlier?

in the mean time i guess i'll keep going, taking rest under the Lord's hand.

some of my favorite places in the world:

-airports
-golf courses
-large, new buildings with carpet

talk about a surreal moment. as i'm cleaning out my room in Spring of all "old stuff" i have my ipod on shuffle and "closing time" by semisonic plays through. as i'm reading back through some old notes (from people and professors), tossing many things into the garbage can, it was a pretty crazy twist of self-realization. moving on, putting stamp on things, going ONLY forward. learning from the past, but never looking back in anger or regret or sheer joy. the past is the past and its...the past. i'm so excited about this summer, about my feelings for this summer and where i'm going to get to by the end of this summer. the only way i can do so - is through the Lord's provision. my hard work + faith in plans =

what are you doing? and where did you come from?

i really like it but i'm not sure about it.

and i go back and forth again with a familiar fight to me: mind v. heart

its a fight i'm familiar with and its a fight the Lord helps me through. it really, to be honest, is a fight i enjoy so much.

both things though, are cut and in repair. i hope those who cut them know that they did so. i'm not mad about it - b/c they need to be cut. definitely. people who's minds and hearts who don't ever get cut or allow them to be in a position where they might be - will have overly sensitive and inexperienced both. i pity those people. life is rich and battle-filled and thats what makes it so amazing. AMAZING. life is amazing. so thank you, guys and gals, for my cuts and battles. i love you all the more for them, and i hope, eventually, we can talk about it. or even if we can't; i know we'll know what we know about it. ha.

i'm praying for you. please pray for me. thank you. i love you. __


who/where


ever you are

as i listened to cake's short skirt long jacket song this evening, i realized something that i think my wife will have to do for me. or rather, wants to do for me... and me for her in many ways

"i want a girl who gets up early; i want a girl who stays up late"

i just envisioned my wife urging me out of bed in the early morning hours to go take care of a necessary task. usually when people try and wake me up and i don't have to be up for any significant reason... i can quickly discredit them and their efforts for a few more ZZZZs

but my wife... the woman i'll love and care about more than myself and more than anything i know or will know... i can appreciate and respect her efforts... and be as dedicated to her as she is to me... if not more...

what are you doing?
spread yourself thin once again and some pick up on it.


what are you doing, [in between d & f]
connection? fun? laughs? i know you're sore. i would be too. don't be so tough though.


daniel: what are you doing? how excited are you?


these past few weeks have been pretty crazy - but this weekend the Lord spoke to me greatly. He showed me how to shut up and cry and to see that emotional fulfilment comes from Him and no place else. i can't find it in people (g's) until i know i have found it in the Lord... and I'm getting there...

I just hope you'll wait. i don't know who you are but i want you by my side. maybe you're not out there... and maybe i'll serve in isolation. I'm not going to freak out, but i am going to try and gain perspective. if you walked into my life tomorrow or you already have and you know it. please tell me. if you're not supposed to then don't. i love you.

april 2 has come and gone


i often think about my role in different relationships i've had - friendships and otherwise; as a son, as a brother

i often think that i screw things up and, even in all my psychoanalyzing, i just completely miss it. it worries me, but i find solace in the idea that i really don't dwell on the past much at all. the past is what it is. it has helped me so much, but when i think about it too much, i begin to doubt myself (unhealthily, i might add). in doing so, i'm unable to look forward and live in the here and now.

these past few months have been so odd for me. up and down, distant and far. i have felt so satisfied and at some points so unsatisfied & lonely. above all though, my hunger for the Lord to shape my character into something more legit and more like Him, has grown. I want it more than ever now.
there are some people i wish i could communicate to, and it breaks my heart that i cannot.

j'espère vous êtes grand, et j'espère que nous pouvons parler bientôt.

Chris,
I don't know if you'll read this; but if you do, then you've made progress. Your words were healing and your spirit is strong. I'm so glad...

D

Don't begin to settle. You've done so well this far, don't let yourself down.

I'm trying my best.

"No parachutes or safety nets here
One foot in the water to face these fears
Coming out strong like I can't be wrong
I said eh, I won't fall in the middle"







Get out of the middle, dammit.
You have to fight. I am.

"Fuck the revolution! They don't talk about the glory of killing for the revolution. What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and his children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a Remembrance Day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day. Where's the glory in that?"


-Bono, November 8, 1987

read about Sunday Bloody Sunday

I had an amazing night. I can't believe how good it was for my soul. Yes, it was good for my soul. Great movie... hanging w/ Mike... reading for FUN at a coffee shop, and seeing a dear sweet friend from high school I haven't seen in so long - Claudia Howell. I can't believe she's in CS, and I can't believe how happy she is with her life - and how happy that makes me - how in love she is with her boyfriend, and how happy she is in the path she's come through.

What more can I say besides praises to the Lord? Who else can orchestrate such an amazing few hours, and teach so faithfully in this time in my life? No one but the Lord. All thanks and praise to יהוה‎

why don't i risk more than i have before? if i always live inside my threshold of "never risking too much" then i'm bound to miss out.

don't miss out.

I'm in Austin.

I'm amazed so much by how the Lord works everything out. When did I decide to take control of my life, and think I can manage? I think that I assumed that each of the issues that came to my plate were either: a) not big enough to just give right over to the Lord; or b) I could handle them and make them go away.

Was I wrong, and was I ever stubborn. I had my eyes pried open and my heart cut repeatedly, before I realized that keeping inside the issues that were bugging me and causing so much frustration and pain - was an awesome idea.

Yeah! I could so take care of all this. I'll just continue to handle this stuff on my own and not talk about it. After all, who can I trust?







Yeah, I can trust the Lord. This angers me sometimes when people say that: "just trust God, it will all be ok..." I get it. I trust God to take care of me, but it seems like such a simply, dumb answer. Maybe it is. I think it is the right one, though. And after all, how can you argue with something you know is right?



You can't. That's why you do what you know to be right. If you're not sure if it is right, or it is the right time for something, then you are completely justified in not doing it. Right? Right.



One time, in all the days.

"what I do is put [it] in cold water and leave it there for about 30 seconds...then I drink it"







-syawg

i was wrong. again. what's new?

i've noticed some things about people in relationships - i'll just list a few of the newer observations.

-you take on physical attributes of the other. i've noticed this in regards to weight. if one of the people in a relationship is a little bigger, then the other one tends to hit the gym less, and puts on some pounds. what motivation is there? that is something that I want quite the opposite of in my relationships... i want there to be encouragement and mutual striving towards being in shape, or at least being healthy.... and i'll be the first to admit that i'm not always the best example.

i can't believe that some people won't sacrifice in a relationship. its not about the big things only - its about the little things - shoes or schedules. why are people so selfish. wow it makes me so mad thinking about this.


-people in relationships slowly ebb away their other friendships... and i think this is naturally how it is supposed to be. why won't some people let this happen? why must they hold on to it, and why must the act so selfishly ignorant. mmm more frustration.



God is the example of relationship. he is firm when he needs to be, he sacrifices continually, but never letting himself be taken advantage of.... (this is kind of not true). i want those thing in a relationship and i want extreme joy.

this is a little random

everything is blamed on the "downfall of the family" - divorces and absentee fathers are to blame for most of societies problems: kids underperforming in school, drug usage increase, teenage pregnancy. could it be that there is more to it than family problems.

also this is another thing that is confusing to me. people with no family problems - that is an intact nucleus of father and mother (originals) - seem to be the experts. i would hardly be able to consider myself an expert on family dealings when my mom and dad have been happily married for 25+ ... so if you think you're qualified to speak with authority on family problems - and you still have parents with a strong, consistent marriage - think again. my extended family has had problems - divorce, infidelity, etc. - but i haven't experienced that directly, so where do i have authority to speak?

also, i'll write another letter:


dear **

you are immature. sometimes you cannot get outside of yourself, and you cannot see beyond your own nose. in many senses you are so lucky. what problems do you have? large problems seem to pop up sometimes, but they quickly fade amidst claims of blessing ... the problems don't seem to be that anymore. you're amazing and so great and i love you, but come on - be aware of others around you.

daniel







nb: as in most of my letters to myself, often i am included in some of the accusations.

i want to write more. but i manage my time poorly and i don't leave myself with a lot of time to spare and write or read. my journals suffers, my time with many different people and items suffers. why do i fail at getting it together?

AWESOME. i sometimes feel like i'm defending myself a lot. i wonder what that means. i think it might mean that i'm wrong and there is reason for people to call me out.

this is in vegas. i saw david crowder in a casino in vegas. i wish i could have hung out with him more than i did.

I'm just so confused. Maybe you really don't get it. Maybe I was right on my initial thought.

I do believe I'll keep up with this a little more.

I hope I'll get some more readers here because there are some important thoughts I want to share with many people.

I wish people would understand what a struggle love is. I see a lot of people misunderstanding what love can really mean. Without a struggle, love is, among other things, almost false. Notice how I said 'almost'. It is not false; love untested. It is easy. I think that a lot of people only have experienced easy love.

I have not. I have not only experienced easy love. I'm so happy that I haven't. What a blessing! What a struggle! What a point in the right direction and what a kick in the ass! I'm being serious. I could not imagine how much less sensitive and less aware of my thoughts and actions and how much less observant I might be if I had never had to struggle with (and subsequently embrace) loving people close to me that have "challenged" me in ways they don't know. You just don't know.

I'll finish with a letter to someone whom I suspect won't read it, and if he or she does, then I doubt they'll realize it was meant for them.


Dear ***

You live in a dream world. You think you get reality? You are blind and ingnorant to struggle; real, fleshly, hatred and struggle. When will you realize it? I don't know that you will before God calls you home. That's too bad, because truthfully - you could have an even bigger impact than you already do. You aren't observant, but you're working on it. I love you, and I appreciate the things you've taught me.

Daniel

I doubt so much the people I want to read this will read this. Bummer.

Oh well, here goes.

Dear * *** *** **

I wish you would be brave. I wish you would not get defensive so easily and I wish you would see people's hearts through their actions - not just their actions - this goes along with the first wish of mine - you not being so defensive. Its not about me. Thats ironic, and I wish you could see that.

Come on! Go without a parachute (thats ironic, but you wouldn't know it either) and believe what I say.

Its so hard to enjoy things sometimes, but sometimes you make it easier (in both good ways and bad). So thank you nonetheless.

Daniel


Dear ***** *

Please stop it. Get your head out of your ass, because, for some odd reason, you are choosing to keep it there. Look and see who loves you and how much they do! AHHH. You're so awesome! I mean that so much! So, use all that you have for the best - and not for the worst, because God knows it has nearly killed us both, literally and figuratively.

Daniel

I love this picture so much. It makes me very happy. How does time fly...

 

I think I've overestimated myself and that's a bad feeling. A really bad feeling.

Maybe I'm not as good as I thought.

When did people become so eager to compromise?

Thats so disappointing.

I'm trying hard not to slip and trying hard to be consistant, and people that I respect so much end up turning a blind eye towards stuff.

When we do that, we make ourselves look like ignorant bastards.

Let me get this off of my chest.

You cannot beat me. Don't try to beat me at this game. I have been around the block so many times it will make your head spin. I think people think that they are so good at this that they miss out on the sharks like me and Staff in the water.

So you know what? Keep your tricks to yourself, don't bother trying them on me, because I will make you look like an idiot.

Shut down your facade.

I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.

-Voltaire

As I've been running more late at night, I have a number of incredible thoughts about life that come to me. Running really clears a lot out of my head and I enjoy it so much.

I'll be posting some of those thoughts randomly after my runs or as I think of them. I'll catch up for the past few weeks:



-Going through life doubting and angry must suck so much. Too much doubt or too much anger will do misery to your soul. Also, too little doubt or anger will do misery to your soul.

-I wonder what its like to be addicted to something. What would it be like to have something you CANNOT CONTROL force your hand. I think it must suck so much.

-People don't get it. It is so hard for people to pick their head up and look around. I'm so thankful for the few people in my life who do get it. So incredibly thankful.

People have the hardest time admitting when they are wrong.