all at once, the world can overwhelm me.

i got AA back to back. the first time, i end up scooping a pot (275), on a sick, sick call. board reads K-8-2-10-7, dumbass makes it 65 after i check it to him, and when he value bet 65, i looked at the pot, and decided to gamble.

he said: I got a pair.
i said: how big?
he said: real small
railbirds: "hurry up guys..."
i said: turn it up

i said: ship it.

i love my brother so much

derek webb is not afraid to write lyrics that ring true, and will ruffle feathers. he bases so much of his music, and specifically his lyrics, in truth, and love. and if you haven't figured out that love takes the form of upsetting people sometimes, then welcome to life.

"there are two great lies that i've heard.
the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die.
that jesus christ was a white, middle-class republican, and if you wanna be saved, you have to learn to be like him."

i learn from people i don't expect to learn from, sometimes. sometimes, those people are people that i THINK i DON'T want to learn from.

i just ran into my advisor here at the Bush school and it literally has been over a year since i spoke with her. students are matched up with advisors, and i'm not sure how often everyone meets theirs, but the only thing i asked of her was to approve my internship form for last summer. anyhow, as i'm up here on a sunday morning (gasp) I forgot my access card at home, and she was walking in and could get into the building. so she recognized me and said, how are you doing, haven't seen you in a while... etc. then asked me about jobs. i told her that i'd likely have a choice between DoD in DC or Raytheon in Dallas, and she gave me a piece of advice i had heard before but i really believe now... go do the job that will give you more specific training and experience. and right now the cost controls job at raytheon will do that.

but the other night, many of my grad student buddies gave me grief for possibly passing up on the opportunity to work in the five-sided building.

and there's the idea of having great community already there in Dallas. although i don't doubt i could find community in DC. and theres jld

Standing on a building
I am a lightning rod
And all these clouds are so familiar
Descending from the mountain tops
The gods are threatening
But I will return an honest soldier

coffee seems more effective on friday.

wow, when it rains, it pours.

hfbi
dr
wdcdod

i don't get it sometimes.

dammit why is it that some people just take and take and don't give

sometimes i give my friend brad a ride. often times it is done at the last second as he's late for class, or doing something. and tonight, as i'm relaxing at watching a movie for class, then napping... a few things that i enjoy as "leisure" he cannot go drop off one of our other roommates for a test. i don't get it. he always asks for rides, but doesn't usually give them. its frustrating. i hardly EVER ask for a ride, partially because i like being self sufficient and do not enjoy being at the mercy of others for something that i could probably do myself.

also, i try my best to express my feelings, and i hate leaving something unresolved with anyone. i don't care if its my mom, if its a recruiter for a company or any one of my friends, i hate walking away from something without making some kind of attempt at a resolution. it just sucks.


i doubt anyone has been reading my blogs since high school, nor do i think people would be interested in looking at my archives, but like i've said numerous times, i don't write this blog FOR anyone. its a vent for myself. so accordingly, i welcome comments, but will make few apologies.

"a real man makes his own luck"

-billy zane, titanic

i find it very funny that political discussions and political passions seemed to have faded, or at least been put on the backburner for the time being. it is very telling of the overall idea of political interest, only when there is a vote, or a huge political issue, do people begin to take sides, talk about issues, and debate passionately. over the past few weeks since the primaries, i have been engaged in increasingly less political conversations. i find it funny, because, like some sports fans, some "politically interested people" are fair-weather.

i'm not sure why, but i'm extending my desire for challenge to this.


you annoy me, r

lauren lewis passed away a few days ago, and even though i didn't know her, many of my friends did. looking at her profile and reading different things, i am reminded how lucky i am. how lucky everyone is. i've lost 4 people i would consider friends during college - friends who's number i had in my cell phone. all to car accidents.

please be safe. please. enjoy every moment. i feel like a 13 year old writing on her myspace page, but its true. i can't tell you how true it is.

i'm surprised that i have such a sorrowful feeling, and sadly it reminds me of that time i felt it during the past few years.  usually my thoughts on death are pretty deterministic and 'real'; but this feels different. 

wow

wow i really am sad for her friends, and sad that she didn't get to experience life past 20. 

life has to be valued, and not wasted. don't waste your time.

wow

man

wow

i told my manager last night at Fish Daddy's (i'm a server there) 2 things; and i told him that i mean both of them seriously.

1. i will stay on as long as you need me, to the end of the shift (10pm) if need-be
2. i have an extremely complex assignment coming up and i was out of town in DC all last week and weekend; thus i have a hell of a lot of work to do.

he tells me that he's looking to get out early too (not facetious), and was looking to make cuts quickly and get us checked out and home.

so sure enough, i try to be extra nice, bust my ass, clearing my tables (pre-bussing) before the busboys wipe down the tables, do my sidework, stay on top of things... and he even complements me on my efforts - pretty unusual... and keeps me on till 10pm. i was very upset. i really felt like this guy, only 2 yrs older than me @ 25, was testing me, to see if i would complain to him, etc. i was pissed, so upset. i even came in early too. man that sucked. and so i tried my best to keep it to myself - and i managed to do a good job, and i didn't gossip and talk behind his back like everyone else does when the managers piss them off. but i just felt tested, and i didn't like it - especially form a guy who i get along with very well, and have good conversations with and business, mangement, etc....

i mean come on.


the whole time though, i was upset, i kept reminding myself that i want to be a man of my word. obviously i wouldn't have walked out of the resturaunt, but i wanted to have such a bad attitude, and be so pissy to him; instead i just avoided him, and got my shit done. but come on.

i'm not freaking out completely about my school work, as i have a job offer. its in DC, and i'm excited. its looking like i may end up there - in DC at least for this next year. and that makes me excited. even though there is a cute blond/blue in waco.



like i tell people often, i love challenge, i love being challenged, and last night was one of those times. it was tough, and i was pissed, but thats how you grow. i guess.

i'm in DC for capstone, and its been very fun. i had a great night last night, and more importantly, i had great, challenging, stimulating conversation. man i love conversation.

its really cold here too

i'm not sure what i'm gonna do about the job offer.

again, i spoke of challenge and tough times - how everyone goes through them and how i think that they should.

in class just now, my friend gave up her seat to a classmate because 'it was his seat'.

i don't get that.

if people get upset over little things like that, then they lack perspective. they lack a perspective of temperment, a perspective of interaction, and slightly, a perspective of people.

be uncomfortable

its a world that few people know. and even fewer want to know it. its where grown men (and women) can compete and be brave.

its where you can compete, win, and lose.  

its a world that i enjoy, not love, enjoy.  and right now - that world has been as cold as f*3830g hell. 

its so cold, and i want to be so upset and angry. i want to be so mad and ludicrous and irate, but i'm fighting it.  i need some help dealing with it - and i really have only 1 friend who knows about it.  he's a good friend, he's loyal and intelligent and i'm so proud of him; so proud that he is one of my boys.

dammit i'm so mad.

listening to ghostland observatory (check them out on myspace or search for them in itunes)

brings me back to ACL - I had an amazing time. Simply amazing.  It was there that I began to like this sweet girl named Jenny Diamond. 

It was an incredible weekend - not to mention one of my best friends Will Lanier. He's over in England working on his graduate work in Philosophy at Oxford. Also - I love his girlfriend Dawn.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today - she was telling me that she couldn't imagine dating this guy (who she had gone on 1 date with) who wanted to settle down on his family ranch near Austin - because she would be 5 hours away from her family.  I get it. I get that she loves her family and they are always together - never far apart - only miles separate their houses - but I just am reminded of how necessary it is for us to be challenged, to be uncomfortable.  I wanted to just impart to her the perspective of "leaving your family" or "really being out on your own", but some people are just a little too insistent on what they have their mind set on.

the "senior scramble"

michael fermier, my roommate for 3 years, told me this morning that he saw a girl named Megan.  I guess we both knew who she was, or at least he thought that I did, and when I asked who she was, Mike said that she was an ex-girlfriend of another friend of ours, Aaron, who is now engaged to someone else.  I asked what she was up to, and mike said that she was not married. 

ha.

then mike clawed on my doorpost and said - "Its the Senior Scramble; everyone clawin' to get a piece."

i thought that was pretty funny.

take care of each other. release to each other.

if you are not discussing important and challenging things with your "close friends" then you don't have close friends.

if you are keeping everything inside, and not talking about hard things, then you are lying to yourself.

release. please. you'll feel so much better.  i'll listen.

this is nothing new, but i was reminded how much people like to talk about themselves, or their experiences.

its really kind of annoying, and i'm positive that i do it as well.

i've read before that talking about yourself is a kind of defense mechanism, and it makes sense. think about the times that you begin talking about yourself when you don't generally want to. aren't they times in interpersonal situations where you feel a little bit awkward?

its not? then you're just talking about yourself on regular interactions.
did someone ask you about what you've done or something for you to explain? great! this is generally the only time i try and talk about myself. being so focused outwardly is crucial to being a good friend, a good love, a good son or daughter. but more importantly, you become so much more aware of what's around you. you might find yourself saying things like "oh, i didn't see that" or "oh, i didn't hear that"... a lot less.

ask questions, and be sincere. live and be interested outside of yourself. don't tout how much you might have to study, how many finals you have, or the things you have to get done. get them done and battle in those fights with perseverance and the strength you petition from the Lord. of course its necessary to seek support from your friends, especially when there are things that cannot be accomplished in the short-term or are issues deeply and painfully affecting you.

that being said, don't hesitate to ask for help in situations where you need it. battling by yourself, and getting in the habit of being too stubborn to ask for some aid... makes little sense in the long run. if you think you can handle big issues by yourself, you're wrong. i'm wrong for thinking that i can figure out my job situation by myself, to figure out my classes and projects and everything by myself. its prideful, and i am and you are, a fool for doing it.

God's so very gracious to look past all the times we ignore him, or intentionally disobey him. how can we not be thankful for that, thankful that he is always as anxious to love you and forgive you, every single time that we screw up.

really i can't believe that its been over 2 weeks since i posted last. times are flying by; this semester is almost over. my friend elisabeth started a blog. holla. ejexplains.blogspot.com

sometimes i wonder if i should pursue a career in sports. i spend enough time talking and thinking about it.

it could be the weather; however i think that a lot of ****s are st****** their *****ds within this past week or this coming week.


YIKES!

i think sometimes i've undervalued myself.

i think that i should change a little of this attitude.

especially remembering what i learned in Europe

i wonder if you read this. if you do, i hope you can understand how to be flexible, and understand that its ok to change sometimes. i hope you'll stop being scared and start to do things to challenge yourself.






band of horses is a new group that miori told me about that, like he said, I'm fairly certain i will be a big fan of for a long, long time.

thanks j-sal

i can't believe how quickly time flies. people say that often; but its incredibly true. quickly: late AUGUST turns into EARLY NOVEMBER, and the fall nears an end. what did i do with my time? i feel like i've been oddly constructive, and oddly lazy. i can't tell how i feel about these past few weeks. time will tell.

jenny

I am continually amazed at how the Lord truly takes care of our hearts when we ask Him to. When we just do it half-heartedly and out of repetition and pattern, it is very hard to hear sincerity in your petition. But when we find ourselves at a point where we know we shouldn't be or we know we need help, sincerity seems to flow easier.

"guys i don't expect you to understand this; but i can relate to Monica Lewinski"
-e (rifle, shotgunn, .44magnum)

"a woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle"
-u2

its noble, wanting to go on a mission. sometimes i realize its an obedience to the Lord. but sometimes, i think people miss the big picture when they just think about 1 aspect of missions, or Christianity.


i just spent an incredible few days with an incredible girl.


i'm still looking for a long-term and short-term job


i don't ever want to be boring.


boring; brutal; bummer; barely; blessings; break-out

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want

if you're afraid to ask hard questions, then shut the hell up.

i have a suspicion that there is maybe 6 or 7 people that read this every 2 weeks or so.

quick thoughts on facebook: there are some people who don't need to be on facebook. from day 1 - i was worried that facebook would be come creepy and public like myspace. i think facebook also is a cop-out to communication in some ways - and in other ways its very convenient and easy to use. but there are some people that don't need to be on facebook. like myspace, its just an invitation to creeps and perverts who can now register and join, and look at groups and stalk college and high school students. its another way for people to be impersonal and live behind a screen. i use facebook because it has some great features, but when it comes to keeping up with people in my life that i truly care about, i'll get a hold of them in person or by phone at the least.

also, there is not a need for some other people to be on facebook. i'm going mainly at adults here. the adults in my graduate school classes (Al, the HPD officer, Noe the CSPD investigator, Griffin the married guy, among many others) aren't on it. and sure - i understand that some adults who interact with students regularly might have some purpose for it; but then again - isn't there an area of life where students need some autonomy? i'm not here to tell anyone what to do and what not to do - i'm just confused by some people's actions. honestly there comes a point where people need to let go. this is applicable not only to a parent, but also to a freshly ended relationship, etc. and stalkbook makes it a little harder to let go; sometimes. there are lots of great benefits to the internet and free flow of information, but stalking and nosiness are byproducts that i'm not a huge fan of. no one is i think.

sometimes i think people test me. and sometimes i wish they would. i would like to hear - at the end of some frustrating situation i'm involved in - someone goes: "dan, we [or i] were just kidding about that. i just wanted to see what you would do, and how you would handle that".

i wish people knew how much i care about them. what i wouldn't do to make sure they are enjoying life and being happy. then i think to myself - maybe some people are - and me not being in their life is the best thing for a while. as much as it is a blow to my pride, i need to learn to accept this, and be consistent in my saying "whatever i can do (or not do) to help". i just wish someone could point out when i should or shouldn't be there. because sometimes i feel like a complete jackass, overly annoying, and a hinderer to their enjoyment. sometimes i feel like this on the basketball court. i'm not good at hoops. i'm maybe a 5.2 on a 1-10 scale, and when i wanna go play - usually with people who are way better than me - i feel like a tag along. so i do my best to contribute, and not take dumb shots, or look too stupid.

i just wish everyone could feel comfortable in talking with me. especially the people i care about - because at the end of the day - they take priority.

i think this is more of the 5-th year funk i'm experiencing - with fewer friends in town, fewer people to go hang out with and do things with. here's the honest truth: i love it. i'm so glad that my hand is forced to stay at home, and be responsible, look for a job, and get my shit together. because, as i found out this weekend - there is always time for a good time. i know people say that you should maximize your time in college - and i feel like i have - i have a lot of fun stories (which some might consider lame), and i've had a hell of a time, but there is something in me that is ready for the next challenge. believe me - now that i'm back from the summer - i'm glad i have another year in college station, and there are only a few things that i would trade for it (extensive travel - with my family perhaps - and "the perfect job" - of which there are very few) but i'm so glad i get to spend another year near my brother, close to my folks, and with the few remaining people in college station that i wanna hang out with.

in the mean time, i'll do my best to understand my role in different situations, and try and focus on what i need to do. but more than what I need to do; i wanna be available to drop anything i'm doing to help or hang out with those i love. and i want to learn what i don't know about them. this is my greatest challenge - and God has been helping me with it very slowly, but surely - to shut the hell up and listen. to not talk and be a sounding board. my time will come to give advice or give my opinion - but for the rest of my life, i want to make sure that is secondary to opening my ears, and opening my eyes. I ask for your help, anyone who might read this, in showing me, and talking to me about how i can do this better.


Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

isaiah 40:28-31

i have a few problems with how you interact with people. it makes me question the idea of being engaged before you are 22. i don't think people have experienced enough to fully go through with an engagement and marriage when they are still desiring things that a mature, married family-person would not.

this post, though scantly read, will make sense to very few.

lots of smiles. very pleasant. and other side +'s

how is it that women are so good? it really blows me away sometimes - their knack for observation and memory, etc. its sick. it really is.

this weekend was very fun. travis bearden got married in Tyler, and a bunch of our good friends were all able to get together and have a blast. robbie gentry is a new friend of mine and i'm so glad we got a chance to hang out. i'm excited about chillin with him next year. he and i really seem to have a connection on a different level than most.

really i'm so lucky to have traveled a lot of places. one thing i realized in dc was how happy i will be when i don't have to take my family on a tour bus waiting in line with all the other chump tourists. i've become pretty familiar with the major tourist cities - and i love it. i know that if you put me anywhere close to dc or in any borough in new york city, i can get to any other place. i think.

but all this to say i'm very glad that i have been able to learn my way around major cities in the world.

After 4 days in new york I have a lot of thoughts. The people I got to see and hang out with are awesome. Even if it was only for a short while – and what can you expect now when people have graduated from college or are doing professional work. Either way it was amazing. I must say, on a side note, that I accomplished one of my private, non-listed aims this week as well.

Virginia, a new friend, is an amazing girl; and she has a list of things she wants to accomplish in her life. Some of the things are small, and some are big. But that got me to thinking about my personal list. Over the last few years I definitely have thought of some things that I would want to do before I die. I don’t suppose I’ll list them right now on here, but I might in the future. One thing that I realized this week after talking with one of my best friends, is that people really do look out for number 1. No matter how much they might say that they are not selfish – they really are pretty selfish. Now – with that being said – there are a few people in my life that really hit close to a completely selfless attitude. Derek devine is one of them. If you hang around Derek, he will hardly talk about himself, and even if you ask him, he is so great at bringing the conversation elsewhere. If you have friends like Derek – you should listen and learn from them more – I know I do.

I find myself in a weird situation with my life-timing right now. I’ve finished 4 years of college and for all intensive purposes I should be on the job hunt/working. But I have 1 more year in grad school. So I get to delay it for another year and get a masters. I’m gonna be honest – the program I’m in hasn’t been as hard has I expected - now I’m pretty sure that this next year is going to kick my arse but that's ok because now I’m ready for it – it was tough last year trying to balance my senior year with the first year of grad school – I still had a big social pull – and I know I’ll always have that pull but it was especially hard this past year – and even harder with more time on my hands*

Last time I wrote some letters I got blasted for being arrogant. Maybe my disclaimers didn’t work but, for what it is worth – I think the idea of writing letters on my blog is not arrogant, it might be a little cowardly –since I am not saying this to these peoples’ faces. But I’m pretty sure at least 1 or 2 hit their targets. So I guess it was successful. Like i said to people who know me – at the heart of things – in the big picture perspective – I don’t care a lot about what people think of me. In the small picture, I’ll have to be honest, sometimes I do care what people think. I need to work on that. Man I can’t wait to meet my wife. I wrote In my journal a while back about who I thought it might be – and although it is still a possibility, it is not one right now. And truthfully – if it is not her, then I’m ok with whoever the Lord throws in my way. Wow I can’t wait to love her with everything I have.

jimmy and kelly needham amaze me. they do. their sincerity and their love is unbelievable. one of the things that exemplifies this the most is the fact that kelly got her degree in 3 years - from the business school.

this i'm sure is random, but they are an encouragement to me. seriously.

its all about balance isn't it. you say you love one thing and you loathe doing it. you say you want to do something and you don't go and do it. things get in the way. and i i have a hypothesis that most of the time these things that get in the way are not legitimate. or at the very least - aren't things that are going to really make you happy in the long run. ya know?

i'm surprised, too. and i still wish you read.

And I'm complaining.

Wow, I'm blindsided again. Dan Reiter just passed away - a car accident on Spring Cypress. Ya know, Spring Cypress - the road I travel multiple time each day. Ya know, Dan Reiter from high school. oh wow. i'm so like... i don't have words to type -i just paused and thought about what to type and i don't know. i'm alive. Andrea Gent, William Minor, David Gilbert, Walker Best, and Dan Reiter are not. and i'm complaining about my internship - about driving in traffic and not getting paid, and being bored, and being frustrated. wow. i feel so dumb. i feel so selfish and so dumb and so weird. dan's time was up, and i'm still here. all of these friends' time was up and i've been given more. why do i keep finding things that are wrong. why do i keep finding things to be upset about... i know it can't keep all joyful all the time... maybe i can - the thing i remember about dan reiter is that he never was not smiling and always joyful and - i mean - i know people say that about a lot of people who passed away - but he really did it - he really lived joyfully and servant-hearted and with energy. i didn't keep up with him the past few years but what i remember of him and what i'm confident of is that he was continuing to do s0 - in service and in his life and relationships. oh wow. and i'm complaining. and i'm upset and i'm selfish. i feel so weird and i don't know why - its not like he's on my speed dial or anything - its just familiarity and a reality check i guess. what on earth? why am i so upset by this? why have i let things frustrate me - and other things take my focus. i'm totally zoned really weird right now. i know the Lord is good and His plans are so great. i know this. i'm confident of this in the long run. Lord, I'm so sorry. Dan, I'm so sorry. Family, I'm so sorry. My attitude is so bad, Lord, wipe me out - clean out my mind and break my heart and wash me through. Make me relateable, and make me proud and make me joyful and make me dependent on you and not on myself. make me happy and fill me with your perspective, your wisdom and your joy - but most of all your love. shower the reiters with your love and perspective and wisdom right now. Lord, i beg your peace and i beg you. i beg you.

76 acres in Henderson, TX - my family owns a ranch. wow. crazy. what a blessing. its 1.5 hr from Dallas, 30 mins. from Tyler, 2.75 from College Station.

Just so everyone knows.

The FBI is cool, i enjoy interning there.

I think I'm going to spend 2.2 weeks in the beginning of August in Washington, D.C. and New York City. 2 cities I love and want to visit people in. YES.

Let me know if I can sleep on a couch...

just get me out of the country. i wanna see things. i wanna see big things. i have the rest of my life to see things on the middle level. i wanna see things that i wouldn't be expected to see.

why is there so much more, and its so hard to see it.


why is God's timing so crazy/so right on?


i guess sometimes i doubt that it's so right on.


why am i doing an unpaid internship for 40 hours a week?

why are some people content on never leaving their comfort zone?

why do some people not want to confront hard issues? why do some people not like confrontation? i mean no one loves confrontation, but some people go to ignorantly insane lengths to avoid it... that makes me upset.
why can't i get to bed earlier?

in the mean time i guess i'll keep going, taking rest under the Lord's hand.

some of my favorite places in the world:

-airports
-golf courses
-large, new buildings with carpet

talk about a surreal moment. as i'm cleaning out my room in Spring of all "old stuff" i have my ipod on shuffle and "closing time" by semisonic plays through. as i'm reading back through some old notes (from people and professors), tossing many things into the garbage can, it was a pretty crazy twist of self-realization. moving on, putting stamp on things, going ONLY forward. learning from the past, but never looking back in anger or regret or sheer joy. the past is the past and its...the past. i'm so excited about this summer, about my feelings for this summer and where i'm going to get to by the end of this summer. the only way i can do so - is through the Lord's provision. my hard work + faith in plans =

what are you doing? and where did you come from?

i really like it but i'm not sure about it.

and i go back and forth again with a familiar fight to me: mind v. heart

its a fight i'm familiar with and its a fight the Lord helps me through. it really, to be honest, is a fight i enjoy so much.

both things though, are cut and in repair. i hope those who cut them know that they did so. i'm not mad about it - b/c they need to be cut. definitely. people who's minds and hearts who don't ever get cut or allow them to be in a position where they might be - will have overly sensitive and inexperienced both. i pity those people. life is rich and battle-filled and thats what makes it so amazing. AMAZING. life is amazing. so thank you, guys and gals, for my cuts and battles. i love you all the more for them, and i hope, eventually, we can talk about it. or even if we can't; i know we'll know what we know about it. ha.

i'm praying for you. please pray for me. thank you. i love you. __


who/where


ever you are

as i listened to cake's short skirt long jacket song this evening, i realized something that i think my wife will have to do for me. or rather, wants to do for me... and me for her in many ways

"i want a girl who gets up early; i want a girl who stays up late"

i just envisioned my wife urging me out of bed in the early morning hours to go take care of a necessary task. usually when people try and wake me up and i don't have to be up for any significant reason... i can quickly discredit them and their efforts for a few more ZZZZs

but my wife... the woman i'll love and care about more than myself and more than anything i know or will know... i can appreciate and respect her efforts... and be as dedicated to her as she is to me... if not more...

what are you doing?
spread yourself thin once again and some pick up on it.


what are you doing, [in between d & f]
connection? fun? laughs? i know you're sore. i would be too. don't be so tough though.


daniel: what are you doing? how excited are you?


these past few weeks have been pretty crazy - but this weekend the Lord spoke to me greatly. He showed me how to shut up and cry and to see that emotional fulfilment comes from Him and no place else. i can't find it in people (g's) until i know i have found it in the Lord... and I'm getting there...

I just hope you'll wait. i don't know who you are but i want you by my side. maybe you're not out there... and maybe i'll serve in isolation. I'm not going to freak out, but i am going to try and gain perspective. if you walked into my life tomorrow or you already have and you know it. please tell me. if you're not supposed to then don't. i love you.

april 2 has come and gone


i often think about my role in different relationships i've had - friendships and otherwise; as a son, as a brother

i often think that i screw things up and, even in all my psychoanalyzing, i just completely miss it. it worries me, but i find solace in the idea that i really don't dwell on the past much at all. the past is what it is. it has helped me so much, but when i think about it too much, i begin to doubt myself (unhealthily, i might add). in doing so, i'm unable to look forward and live in the here and now.

these past few months have been so odd for me. up and down, distant and far. i have felt so satisfied and at some points so unsatisfied & lonely. above all though, my hunger for the Lord to shape my character into something more legit and more like Him, has grown. I want it more than ever now.
there are some people i wish i could communicate to, and it breaks my heart that i cannot.

j'espère vous êtes grand, et j'espère que nous pouvons parler bientôt.

Chris,
I don't know if you'll read this; but if you do, then you've made progress. Your words were healing and your spirit is strong. I'm so glad...

D

Don't begin to settle. You've done so well this far, don't let yourself down.

I'm trying my best.

"No parachutes or safety nets here
One foot in the water to face these fears
Coming out strong like I can't be wrong
I said eh, I won't fall in the middle"







Get out of the middle, dammit.
You have to fight. I am.

"Fuck the revolution! They don't talk about the glory of killing for the revolution. What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and his children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a Remembrance Day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day. Where's the glory in that?"


-Bono, November 8, 1987

read about Sunday Bloody Sunday

I had an amazing night. I can't believe how good it was for my soul. Yes, it was good for my soul. Great movie... hanging w/ Mike... reading for FUN at a coffee shop, and seeing a dear sweet friend from high school I haven't seen in so long - Claudia Howell. I can't believe she's in CS, and I can't believe how happy she is with her life - and how happy that makes me - how in love she is with her boyfriend, and how happy she is in the path she's come through.

What more can I say besides praises to the Lord? Who else can orchestrate such an amazing few hours, and teach so faithfully in this time in my life? No one but the Lord. All thanks and praise to יהוה‎

why don't i risk more than i have before? if i always live inside my threshold of "never risking too much" then i'm bound to miss out.

don't miss out.

I'm in Austin.

I'm amazed so much by how the Lord works everything out. When did I decide to take control of my life, and think I can manage? I think that I assumed that each of the issues that came to my plate were either: a) not big enough to just give right over to the Lord; or b) I could handle them and make them go away.

Was I wrong, and was I ever stubborn. I had my eyes pried open and my heart cut repeatedly, before I realized that keeping inside the issues that were bugging me and causing so much frustration and pain - was an awesome idea.

Yeah! I could so take care of all this. I'll just continue to handle this stuff on my own and not talk about it. After all, who can I trust?







Yeah, I can trust the Lord. This angers me sometimes when people say that: "just trust God, it will all be ok..." I get it. I trust God to take care of me, but it seems like such a simply, dumb answer. Maybe it is. I think it is the right one, though. And after all, how can you argue with something you know is right?



You can't. That's why you do what you know to be right. If you're not sure if it is right, or it is the right time for something, then you are completely justified in not doing it. Right? Right.



One time, in all the days.

"what I do is put [it] in cold water and leave it there for about 30 seconds...then I drink it"







-syawg

i was wrong. again. what's new?

i've noticed some things about people in relationships - i'll just list a few of the newer observations.

-you take on physical attributes of the other. i've noticed this in regards to weight. if one of the people in a relationship is a little bigger, then the other one tends to hit the gym less, and puts on some pounds. what motivation is there? that is something that I want quite the opposite of in my relationships... i want there to be encouragement and mutual striving towards being in shape, or at least being healthy.... and i'll be the first to admit that i'm not always the best example.

i can't believe that some people won't sacrifice in a relationship. its not about the big things only - its about the little things - shoes or schedules. why are people so selfish. wow it makes me so mad thinking about this.


-people in relationships slowly ebb away their other friendships... and i think this is naturally how it is supposed to be. why won't some people let this happen? why must they hold on to it, and why must the act so selfishly ignorant. mmm more frustration.



God is the example of relationship. he is firm when he needs to be, he sacrifices continually, but never letting himself be taken advantage of.... (this is kind of not true). i want those thing in a relationship and i want extreme joy.

this is a little random

everything is blamed on the "downfall of the family" - divorces and absentee fathers are to blame for most of societies problems: kids underperforming in school, drug usage increase, teenage pregnancy. could it be that there is more to it than family problems.

also this is another thing that is confusing to me. people with no family problems - that is an intact nucleus of father and mother (originals) - seem to be the experts. i would hardly be able to consider myself an expert on family dealings when my mom and dad have been happily married for 25+ ... so if you think you're qualified to speak with authority on family problems - and you still have parents with a strong, consistent marriage - think again. my extended family has had problems - divorce, infidelity, etc. - but i haven't experienced that directly, so where do i have authority to speak?

also, i'll write another letter:


dear **

you are immature. sometimes you cannot get outside of yourself, and you cannot see beyond your own nose. in many senses you are so lucky. what problems do you have? large problems seem to pop up sometimes, but they quickly fade amidst claims of blessing ... the problems don't seem to be that anymore. you're amazing and so great and i love you, but come on - be aware of others around you.

daniel







nb: as in most of my letters to myself, often i am included in some of the accusations.

i want to write more. but i manage my time poorly and i don't leave myself with a lot of time to spare and write or read. my journals suffers, my time with many different people and items suffers. why do i fail at getting it together?

AWESOME. i sometimes feel like i'm defending myself a lot. i wonder what that means. i think it might mean that i'm wrong and there is reason for people to call me out.

this is in vegas. i saw david crowder in a casino in vegas. i wish i could have hung out with him more than i did.

I'm just so confused. Maybe you really don't get it. Maybe I was right on my initial thought.

I do believe I'll keep up with this a little more.

I hope I'll get some more readers here because there are some important thoughts I want to share with many people.

I wish people would understand what a struggle love is. I see a lot of people misunderstanding what love can really mean. Without a struggle, love is, among other things, almost false. Notice how I said 'almost'. It is not false; love untested. It is easy. I think that a lot of people only have experienced easy love.

I have not. I have not only experienced easy love. I'm so happy that I haven't. What a blessing! What a struggle! What a point in the right direction and what a kick in the ass! I'm being serious. I could not imagine how much less sensitive and less aware of my thoughts and actions and how much less observant I might be if I had never had to struggle with (and subsequently embrace) loving people close to me that have "challenged" me in ways they don't know. You just don't know.

I'll finish with a letter to someone whom I suspect won't read it, and if he or she does, then I doubt they'll realize it was meant for them.


Dear ***

You live in a dream world. You think you get reality? You are blind and ingnorant to struggle; real, fleshly, hatred and struggle. When will you realize it? I don't know that you will before God calls you home. That's too bad, because truthfully - you could have an even bigger impact than you already do. You aren't observant, but you're working on it. I love you, and I appreciate the things you've taught me.

Daniel

I doubt so much the people I want to read this will read this. Bummer.

Oh well, here goes.

Dear * *** *** **

I wish you would be brave. I wish you would not get defensive so easily and I wish you would see people's hearts through their actions - not just their actions - this goes along with the first wish of mine - you not being so defensive. Its not about me. Thats ironic, and I wish you could see that.

Come on! Go without a parachute (thats ironic, but you wouldn't know it either) and believe what I say.

Its so hard to enjoy things sometimes, but sometimes you make it easier (in both good ways and bad). So thank you nonetheless.

Daniel


Dear ***** *

Please stop it. Get your head out of your ass, because, for some odd reason, you are choosing to keep it there. Look and see who loves you and how much they do! AHHH. You're so awesome! I mean that so much! So, use all that you have for the best - and not for the worst, because God knows it has nearly killed us both, literally and figuratively.

Daniel

I love this picture so much. It makes me very happy. How does time fly...

 

I think I've overestimated myself and that's a bad feeling. A really bad feeling.

Maybe I'm not as good as I thought.

When did people become so eager to compromise?

Thats so disappointing.

I'm trying hard not to slip and trying hard to be consistant, and people that I respect so much end up turning a blind eye towards stuff.

When we do that, we make ourselves look like ignorant bastards.

Let me get this off of my chest.

You cannot beat me. Don't try to beat me at this game. I have been around the block so many times it will make your head spin. I think people think that they are so good at this that they miss out on the sharks like me and Staff in the water.

So you know what? Keep your tricks to yourself, don't bother trying them on me, because I will make you look like an idiot.

Shut down your facade.

I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.

-Voltaire

As I've been running more late at night, I have a number of incredible thoughts about life that come to me. Running really clears a lot out of my head and I enjoy it so much.

I'll be posting some of those thoughts randomly after my runs or as I think of them. I'll catch up for the past few weeks:



-Going through life doubting and angry must suck so much. Too much doubt or too much anger will do misery to your soul. Also, too little doubt or anger will do misery to your soul.

-I wonder what its like to be addicted to something. What would it be like to have something you CANNOT CONTROL force your hand. I think it must suck so much.

-People don't get it. It is so hard for people to pick their head up and look around. I'm so thankful for the few people in my life who do get it. So incredibly thankful.

People have the hardest time admitting when they are wrong.

I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor come from God alone. he is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalms 62:5-8

I just feel dumb.

I hate feeling dumb.

I know when I make mistakes and I can admit them; I know that that happens and I don't feel dumb about it.

I do not in the least bit feel dumb for being an Astros fan. In fact, after an amazing season - full of ups and downs - seeing the Astros in 3 different ball parks.... I'm very pleased and now more of an Astros fan than before.

That may sound odd...but they are nearer and dearer to my heart. I connected with them. It may sound unhealthy... but I don't think that it is. What I do think is that - I should get this excited about things that will matter forever. I know it sounds cliche... but things about relationships with people and my relationship to God. If we put the time into knowing God and stuff - how much more worthy of an effort would that be?

Now, there is so much to be said for getting together and rooting for a common goal - for a team. It was so great to see people care and grow, etc. from a playoff run. I dunno... we'll see what comes of all of this. Baseball is over now, Christmas is coming and things are good. God is good, that is the only reason that things are good. If things aren't good... God is still good. Yes Mr. or Miss Pragmatic, things are bad in the quake-ridden middle east and New Orleans and people may think that God is absent. I know He is there - teaching and comforting and being God. I don't get it either... but I trust and I have faith... it is weak and lacking at times... but its there. Hold on to that.

Doubt your doubts; believe your beliefs.

Astros - World Series Champs 2006!

Proverbs 16:9


"The mind of a man plans his way; but the Lord directs his steps."

I have this part of me that wants to get away


"...so I won't expect a postcard from Trafalgar Square..."


name that song - then go listen to it and think about stepping out of your box

"I love God's law with all my heart."

Romans 7:22

the new switchfoot album is so good

our world is so lonely... people try so hard! they really try and fill themseleves with things that won't fill


why can't people be satisfied... i think they think that there are things that will fill them that they can do

i hope they don't feel too lonely - i want to show them acceptance and Acceptance

You know...


I'm so lucky.



So are you.

IF YOU WANT TO READ THIS, READ IT ALL.


I was chillin' at my house tonight, as I predict might be a regular occurance, when my old roommies from the dorm stopped by. It was great to see them, and we decided to go to Taco C.

When we got there - we saw some people we knew and were talking with them and stuff; then in a matter of 3 minutes I had these 2 conversations:

Conversation A - with a guy named Brett who was in a few of my classes.

Dan: "Hey Brett, whats up?"

Brett: "Not much man, I've had way too much to drink, I'm really drunk."

Dan: "Allright, well grabbin' some Taco C now? Its good stuff."

Brett: "Yeah, I had to drink tonight - I had a rough past few days. Two of my friends are getting divorced and one of them is just doing so bad; his wife is doing stuff a married woman shouldn't do, so yeah."

Dan: "Well, man I'm sorry about that..."

conversation A trails off...

not 200 seconds later

Conversation B - with "Jane" - an acquaintence...

Dan: "Hey Jane, whats up?"

Jane: "Not much, woah, sorry, I'm so so drunk."

Dan: "Allright, did you have fun?"

Jane: "Eh, not really, I mean... we just drank"

Dan "Did you go [dancing at] to the Hall?"

Jane: "Nah, me and some people went to Northgate... don't worry I'm not driving."

Dan: "Ok, well if you need a ride or anything, let me know for sure, ok?"



I share these stories not to say anything about myself. I share these stories because it worries me when people drink just for kicks or like get drunk because they have some problems.

I do know this: people deal with their problems so differently. I deal with mine in a certain way, and people deal with their problems in other ways. I respect that. Its so legit to have your own way of dealing with stuff. Its just differences in humans. Thats cool - differences.

I hope you took the time to read this whole entry.

its crazy how much older i feel

i want to worry, but when i think about worrying, i remember that i'm not in control


i am coming to grips more and more with the fact that I'm a closet control-freak of sorts

at the same time - i'm learning to lay back and just let things happen


God is good.

Here I am in Spring.


I'm back from D.C. and from Fish Camp.


I'm so excited about practicing what I've learned.



I love music alot and I really enjoy the faithful and true expression of emotion I find in Coldplay's music.



I hope that some of these freshman I've met at Fish Camp and stuff stick to their Faith and hold true to their convictions; not compromising and not changing.

I disagree with those who might say that it is perfectly acceptable to let yourself go in college. Of course its great to go and try some new things - what is dumb is to try everything once to an extreme fashion. For instance: its not necessary to try LSD or hard liquor once to see what it feels like. Its not the best idea to try sex once just to see what it feels like.

I think I break it down like this: things you want to try have to be worth the risk of what might occur as a result of doing such things. If you want to try LSD, you would necessarily accept the possible consequences that your body might shut down, your heart may go into cardiac arrest and you might die. If you wanted to (or) have sex, you would necessarily accept the consequences that you might become pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted infection.

If one might expect sympathy from everyone as a result of a consequence of an action occuring, it might be an illogical and igorant expectation. I would never stop loving someone that I love if they chose do to such a thing; NEVER. I would, however be disappointed at their choice, as is natural. In fact, I don't expect everyone to not choose to do things that are harmful to themselves. Additionally, I do things that are detrimental to myself as well, so by no means am I writing this with a pious attitude; just with an attitude of hopeful wishing - for myself and my friends.


I'm a romantic.

You talk a big game.

Please, step up and do it. You're starting and I'm very happy for you.

Don't go crazy, you have to relax and start to calm down.

Don't surround yourself with people that cannot encourage you and push you and show you how to be better.

It's impossible to be close to someone who you get very frstrated with extremely easily.



People change, and its not always good.

Holy cow - music is so amazing

today on the way home from work - i just closed my eyes and listened to " a message" by coldplay and "swallowed in the sea" by coldplay -

on the way into work i've made it a habit to listen to the beastie boys - and man - that makes for a fun morning - really fun -

"Some voices got treble some voices got base
We got the kinda voices that are in your face."

Thank you beastie boys, coldplay


switchfoot coming out soon - september - can't wait


hi

I don't know what to feel.


I'm happy.



I don't want to be selfish, but sometimes I am. I don't want others to be selfish, but they are.

when i'm watching The Price Is Right, and people win a car or 10,000 dollars and don't go hug Bob or thank him or shake his hand - that pisses me off alot - ungreatful jerks - like they deserve it - it is a gift and a blessing and people need to realize that

maybe i don't get it


maybe i don't understand people as well as i think

but then again - thinking that makes me think that i do

i'm definitely not bragging that i understand people well - its obvious to me and to others sometimes that i "don't get it" but i'm so confused as to when people are so anxious about something and they let that thing slide - or put it immediately on the back burners for something less important

lets be really clear... i'm guilty - as charged - i do it often - but i'm working on stepping up and doing something that i'll say that i will do - and just gettin' it done. however, its a work in progress, and i'm nowhere close to completing it... but i don't think we ever "get there"

let me explain - in some ways - i don't think we ever get to the places we want to go - for instance - i want to be very well-read - as in i want to read alot of books and be very literate - and in steps - i am getting there - slowly but surely i'm reading more and more - but i don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I will be like - ok - i can pick up this book and read it and then put it down and think about it and read it again or something else...

wow that was a pretty poor example - but you get my drift, right?

erica has a really really great quote in her profile and it says "anyone who says 'i miss you' is just not trying hard enough" and i find that to be so true... but at the same time - i can miss my friend so so much but there is nothing i can do right now to see him - he is in arkansas - i am in DC, neither of us can fly - i don't have any money and have committed to working these next few weeks... i can try as hard as i might but - i just don't have the money or time or opportunities to go see him... see what i'm saying? no? well i guess everything is possible for you, and if it is - then shut the hell up and go do the things you want - don't say you really want something or you REALLY really miss someone unless you mean it - because if you think that everything is do-able - then you should put your freaking money where your mouth is and do it - thats precisely why my dad does not make stupid promises - thats why i'm minimizing my "yea... i promise to do that " 's or my "yea i really really miss " because i want my words to carry weight...

again, lets be clear - i'm not perfect- and i'm totally cool with that - i'm not going to use that as my excuse - but i'm certainly going to work towards doing what i say i will -

maybe thats a little intense...i feel like i scare people or push people away when i'm too intense - and i want to apologize - but i don't think my apologies are always sincere - if i truly have hurt someone or did something bad - i'll apologize for my intensity, but if it is something stupid - (and not just stupid from my eyes, logically and plainly) then why should i apologize for having a passion ... for being intense (my passion is not like "to be intense") ... wow - i wonder if anyone follows this... i wonder if my wife could follow this - i don't know who she is or where she is - but if she can get this - if anyone can get this...wow

congrats on reading this far - this is part of my heart and who i am - and how i feel now

Mixed-signals.




wow




thats funny




tonight sould be really fun - I'm glad that I live in America. You are too.

I want to be

a Christian God is pleased with.


He loves me when I don't love Him.

He saved me, when I don't understand Him.




none other,

I realized this today.

There is a song i heard today that said "she loves me but she doesn't even know me." I am inclined to say that the girl who loves this guy is a complete idiot.

Loving someone involves knowing them and loving them regardless. Do you think you can love someone and not meet them, or not truly truly know who they are. I don't think you can. Then what is your love based off of? Looks? One or two chance meetings? See, if you're going to love someone. I mean love someone - you know them, and love them still - like - knowing their faults and their amazing attributes, and loving all of them. In Good Will Hunting, Dr. McGuire (Robin Williams) is describing to will about his late wife. He tells will that she farted in her sleep. He said that at some points, it would get so bad, it would wake both of them up. He said that those little "eccentricities" and annoyances were what he loved about his wife.

Now, i don't know about you, but I get annoyed easily sometimes, and other times I'm real chill, not letting much bother me. Some things about some people really bother me, and its really hard tough to really get past them ya know? Anyhow, my comment about love leads me to this:

In order for you to expect someone to love you, you have to let them know you. Don't be a complete idiot and close yourself off to someone (alot or a moderate amt - you def. need to protect your heart - UNDOUBTEDLY) and expect them to love you. If they say they love you and you know they don't know you or really really know you the true you, they're ignorant stupid and desparate and maybe a little bit horny. Sorry, I had to throw that in there, some people are that shallow.

So, go figure. Get out of my face with this guy loves me or this girl loves me... when they don't have any clue about you. And get even farther out of my face with this crap of expecting someone to love you and not giving them an opportunity to know you.

These are my thoughts, spurred on by a song.


God loves me. God loves me to the point where He sacraficed Himself for me. He knows me, and sees my innermost thoughts, and knows my innermost feelings. Deep down in me where things exist that I will never breath a word about to my wife or my best of friends. Sins I'm capable of committing that would warrant death so severly. THANKFULLY, I am forgiven for my sins, even for the ones i'll never commit. I wouldn't act on it because my life is transformed into a life guarded by God's Spirit living in me. Of course, I'm capable of doing such things, but I won't act on them because God has changed my life, and continues to mold me.

I'm so undeserving of His grace, what on Earth or in Heaven or in hell have i done to deserve such a gift, such a pardon.

GOD KNOWS MY THOUGHTS AND EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND LOVES ME STILL.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

HE LOVES ME.

GOD LEGITIMATELY AND DEEPLY LOVES ME.

All this natalee holloway stuff - i can't believe how stupid some people are - here are some comments posted on a forum in response to one of her friends posting something

IT MAKES ME SO FREAKING MAD THAT PEOPLE REFUSE TO PUT ANY RESPONSIBLITY ON HER OR HER CHAPERONES - THERE WERE 2 FOR 160 HIGH SCHOOLERS - HOLY HELL - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Dear Natalee,
I've been to Aruba, and I want to give you some advice.

1. Have a great time and have something to drink; but DON'T GET DRUNK IN A STRANGE PLACE.

2.Don't hang out with shady locals. Some people are nice, but others will try to take advantage of you (especially if you're a cute, drunk American).

3.Don't get into a car with a stranger. I know, I know you've heard this 1000 times before, but you might think about applying it here in a FOREIGN COUNTRY!

4.Check in with your friends and let them know whats going on. You obviously could not expect to be perfectly fine going off without telling anyone what you're up to.


Wow, Natalee, hearing of what you "allegedly" did the night before you disappeared -I'm so dissappointed. Let me get this straight, you had a few drinks, got in the car with some guy you met a day before, and 2 of his buddies. Natalee, as an honors student, a member of NHS, I would have expected better decisions out of you. You are not completely free of responsibility in the trouble you might be in.

I hope you come back safely and learn from this experience. I hope you family can find peace in the midst of this situation, trusting in God's sovereign plan above their own. That's a real tough thing to do, BELIEVE ME.

this is unbelievable -

it is so ridiculous how much people are so selfish

i really have just been listening - and trying to avoid talking about myself whenever i meet new people - and its been pretty effective - and amazingly interesting

peopl will talk about themselves forever - and go on and on about what they are doing and where they are going - and its is SO RARE to find someone who will turn back the questions you ask them on you - and truthfully i really don't care - if there is a need to share, i'm more than willing to talk about my experiences - and my thoughts - but just shutting up and listening - wow - now thats something else


bill walton is a complete moron


i'm going to see coldplay in concert in september - on the 8th row - booya.


you should call me - my cell phone works up here


on another note - i spent a long time on the phone with krista anderson and i'm adding her as a link on the right - her boyfriend herman is in China, and he seems like a real cool kid

go spurs.

Don't feed me lines.



city love

I'm trying to stay focused and i've done a good job thus far today

however, i have to interject and note a few thoughts:

This morning i've been working on an unemployment/employment report broken down by each county in Texas. Now, this may seem boring, but its kinda interesting...kinda...anyhow -there are 257 counties in this great state and there are some bizzare names of these counties. Besides relatively obscure ones like like Zapata and Zavala; we have Tom Green county, Jim Hogg county, Jim Wells county, Jeff Davis county, Irion county, Deaf Smith county, and Ochiltree county, just to name a few.

Texas is pretty cool.

Office BS: the in-between coffee runs where you pass a co-worker in the hall and just BS about the day - those conversations are ridiculous. They consist of stories and personal insights followed by other stories or personal insights- often about a completely different topic. So in my quest to be a better listener and conversationalist - i just sat back and observed one just a minute ago. The two guys who were talking - they couldn't give a crap about what the other was saying - and the only time when they responeded to the other's comments was when they chimed in with "oh, wasn't he the guy who..." or "yea, we ran into her the other day..." or "oh yea we were working on that..." or some generic, lame excuse for interaction. Somehow in the midst of this "conversation" we wasted 20 minutes, and nothing was constructively said - and the only person to benefit from the conversation - was me - who was able to listen and hear what they were saying - and not think about what i was going to say instead of hearing the other people. go figure

i'll go back to work now

I'm just gonna start typing

when i sat down after i walked the last ppl out of my house - i wanted to just focus on one thing. i can't focus. i just cant -i can't sit down and do one thing at a time -and it makes me so mad. so i wanted to go turn on the tv, and watch sportscenter and probably flip back and forth between blind date and the world series of poker re-runs. but i didn't - i was just like - let me sit down and get some thoughts out; and i am doing so

its amazing how this world has developed. (to all the weblog readers/internet communication junkies): what would our lives be like if we couldn't communicate through AIM for a day's plans or communicate as to what we were doing that day? Would people know a little more about me had i not had a blog? see i don't know b/c then all the time that we WASTE on the internet we might turn into productive relationship development time. instead of spending X hours reading blogs or talking on AIm or checking email 3,100 times we might call someone up - or just drive (ride a bike even, gasp!) <- wow in the past sentence i've just done 3 things that i really can't stand - like i hate when i see people do them - 1) exaggurate on numbers - to a completely stupid extent 2) i typed out "gasp" to be a sarcastic twit, and it just seems, uh dumb, and i used the <- arrow replacement - see - and i don't want to go back and edit what i do - i jsut want to type and hopefullly you'll have a little insight into how i think and how i just like to let my mind go sometimes. I know it would be easy to edit and me talking about it seems even more ridiculous, but eh, what ya gonna do. ...like i guess we might spend more time talking to people face to face - at least i hope that i would - i feel like for me that wouldn't be a struggle, in fact, i'd love to do that more, and if i can manage my time better and not forfeit opportunities to do so, face to face relationship developement would be ideal - and the best type of development there is. what a waste of time facebook is. what a waste of time AIM is... but i go back and forth on AIm - like - its a great way to communicate, easily and non-awkwardly and quickly - and generally thats how most people would prefer it. we don't have to put up a front or look at someone uncomfortably in the face, or make eye contact - its easy to lie, its easy to ignore, and its definitely easy to hide emotions behind the square foot of glass or liquid in front of you. you insecure person. face your insecurities like a strong person. if you don't think you're strong, you sould test yourself, b/c if you don't test yourself, God knows that He will or someone else will - and then where are you? do something to step outside of your comfort zone. EAT ALONE. SIT BY YOURSELF IN CLASS. WALK ACROSS CAMPUS ALONE. wow - its times when i do that that i feel stronger the insecurities comment brings me to my first lyrics quote of the night. some of my friends might be familiar w/ me saying this or have seen it before from Incubus' Smile Lines
-ill just quote the whole stanza

"I'll never act my age
But you can tell by the lines in my smile
That I have been around for awhile
So, insecurities
Are about as useful as trying
To put the pin back in the grenade."

Now, i'm not one to take every lyric that an artist says to be truth - when in fact they are just words - and after all, if it is not written down somewhere respectable, we can't hold it as truth.
What i am one to do is to take lyrics that i find appropriately applicable and share it with people to whom it might apply - and this is one of those lyrics - dear blog readers, note your insecurities, note their usefulness. do they help you? do they serve any purpose but to expose your weaknesses? do they help you find TRUTH? do they help you in your relationships? are they truly useful in your life???

Now, i know what we might say; yes, they do help me to see where i am weak so i can work on this or that, but can they change you? can they force your hand to stop or start...? no, they cannot; their functional use is non-extant, and it is your securities, your strenghts that aid you in your quest for TRUTH and help you develop into the person God needs you to be.

I guess you know yourself better than God. perhaps He didn't make you, didn't knit you together and He doesn't know your thoughts before you think them. Well, wait. He does. Hmm
so you're telling me that God knows what we think before we say or think it.

"For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether." Ps. 139: 4

Pslam 139 - short and sweet and humbling (sp?) its too much for us to fully comprehend ever. will trying to figure God out get me anywhere? I'm split here - sometimes i think it might. I think that in my quest to figure out what God is up to - giving me a body and a sharp mind and allowing me to think thoughts about Him and the world and people, and myself - and choices as to what i'll do with the knowledge of Him and the world and people, and myself - i mean - what will i do with it? I don't think i'll ever figure it out - but it won't stop me from thinking about it - but when i come to a dead end - with a specific tenant of "faith" or some concept - i'm going to realize that there is an end to what my mind can comprehend. I may or may not have reached that end, but i'm definitely not going to kill myself chasing a trail of bread crumbs to a place i know doesn't end. God's knowledge is infinite, and his words and complete knowledge are way above me, lest my mind be infinite and unlimited as well. If my mind was infinite and unlimited, undoubtedly i would know how to gain limitless power, no? if i knew that, well, then I'd be an ultimate and unlimited being, unbound by (among countless other things) gravity time and physcial demensions. I don't know any human that isn't, therefore i dont know of any human past or present that has an unlimited mind, unbound by humanistic (and physical limitations)

that is, unless my unbound mind knew how to get this power, and knew that it was impossible to do so. then we're just stuck w/ an unlimited mind that has no hands or feet. bummer.

we do however, have a limited mind, with much an under-utilized (eh? work with it.) potential, and those who realize this, and seek to maximize their knowledge and capabilities, well, they (we, i might say of myself sometimes) are a step above. I want to be there - i at least want to ever be on my way. ya know? i don't wanna sit and limit myself, but i don't wanna live a foolish hope that i am unlimited.

Limits. Some people might say that all limits are moveable. i have to disagree. the limits of my hope to travel the world and photograph images all over the world is firm (not immovable). i don't have the money or time. i suppose i can make the time, and the money too, but right now, its just a hope without real potential. now, you might say that if i wanted it bad enough, i'd make it happen. now i'd agree with that - but i'd counter by saying that - none of us want these things we might say (travel the world, make a million dollars - wow now thats not a desperate, shallow desire; sheesh - read 1000 books, write a novel, etc.) that we do want bad enough to go do them. Time is another limit. Right now, lets stick with my idea of travelling and photographing (and writing - and by writing - mostly journalling to myself - and by myself i mean mostly to the people that i would want to share it with - the first thought is my wife - wherever she is. man, i love her.) i really don't have the time. at this point in my life, its best for me to finish school in college station, and then go from there. i mean, who knows maybe after that i'll end up with money enough and time enough and opportunities enough to do this. however, i doubt it.

i just paused - where does this leave us? where does this conclusion leave me. do i really not want it? i really don't know - i mean there's nothing saying i don't want it (or anything else bad enough) it just i guess comes down to where my limits are and when my limits change. Some limits are moveable. Some are temporary. Some will always be there, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. a desire to completely comprehend the Lord? admirable, and something we should strive for, but our limitation to remain eternally unmoved- our finite minds; our finite understanding of time and human nature and human thought. some people can break out of the limitation of "religion" or "existential thought", but those people, no one else, can break past our limited minds as humans. its hard to accept, fight it as you might, but we can't get it all. we just can't. when you think you've got it all, hmm - i suppose you'll know whether or not to tell everyone that God exists or why good things happen to bad people or why Regan sucked and Clinton was the closest we had to God on earth, or whether or not Bush is a complete idiot, or why people thought Kerry would be a great leader, or why Hitler killed himself, or why Arsenal beat Manchester U, or why I can't focus sometimes.

here's some things i'm not saying: we should stop trying to comprehend the mysteries of God or the laws of nature, or we should not hope for things that will never come true. Hm, wait i am saying that if we know that something is never going to happen, we probably should refocus and accept its inevitable impossibility. Sure, you could tell yourself that "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!" However, you might be mistaken. You won't know everything, and you can't do everything ( i learned that this semester as my GPA took quite a detrimental hit). Daniel, you pessimist some might be uttering. Don't tell me I can't do anything I want. Eh, sorry - I'm stuck here w/ some limitations and you are too.

Here's what i am saying: Aim high and expect to hit higher. Aim unrealistically, and don't expect that your real(istic) self can hit COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE targets. Aim at some targets that you think are nearly impossible. NEARLY, not completely, but nearly. If you think of a target as impossible to hit, you're already at least half-way behind. If you think of a target as nearly impossible, but feasible, you're half-way there. Wow, that sounds corny, bad form. What i am saying is this: everything in this world is not possible. I can't get to the top levels of pro football. It is literally impossible (size, strength, knowledge, support, time, money). I cannot make the 51st state and force myself into the United States. Man, i'm stuck. Most things are possible. Think that things are do-able, but don't think that you are super-human; think that you are capable beyond what you might think. Give yourself credit, and definitely don't think you are more incapable than you are. DON'T BE STUPID. There, that sounds good. DON'T BE STUPID.

i'm kinda wanting to talk about how i hope i sound to people, how i hope that i don't sound inconsiderate or rude. but ya know, in all honesty, i'm not living to please people - well theoretically (and mostly in actuality for me) i really don't care what people think of me - they are not my audience. God is my only judge, and his standard is high. Mine needs to be high, because if its really low, what am i doing to myself but underperforming. I mean, i just spit it out for almost 2 hours and if you don't wanna speak with me again, allright. if you wanna hang out or talk, done. if you don't care, i mean, fair enough. I'm not living for you. I'm living for God, and I'm living my life. My life is not mine though, its my Creator's. I have a gift, and i hope i suffer eternally if i didn't use it well, or appreciate it, or respect it, or cherish it.

C.S. Lewis on a later blog. Maybe i'll just talk about my thoughts in person a little more. i feel like i do it enough, but i could always use more. Thanks for reading till the end if you did. I dont know why i'm thanking you, but i mean peole need appreciation, so I'll give it to them, when I feel as if they deserve it. If you haven't stopped reading by now, or have finished through this, I'm really flattered.

Here's a few more quotes from some songs:

Switchfoot's Ode to Chin

"What's your direction?
Tell me what's wrong, tell me what's right
What's your direction?
Think about somebody else for the night
Life's more than girls
God's more than words
You're more than this
So what's your direction?
And where are you now?
Grow, grow where you are
Anchor your roots underneath
Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs."

from Switchfoot's Life and Love and Why

"Life and love and why
Child adult then die
All of your hoping and all of your searching for what?
Ask me for what am I living and what gives me strength that i'm willing to die for
Take away from me this monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living and what gives me strength that I’m willing to die for
Could it be this?
Could it be bliss?
Could it be all that I ever had missed?
Could it be true?
Can life be new?
And can I be used?
Can I be used?
Give me a reason for life and for death
And a reason for drowning while I hold my breath
Something to laugh at a reason to cry
With everyone hopeless and hoping for something to hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for
Could it be true?
Can life be new?
Could it be all that I am is in You?
Could it be this?
Could it be bliss?
Can it be You?
Can it be You?"

good stuff from Foreman and the boys - i got little else

at the end of the day, I'm just Daniel, I'm Daniel! I'm Daniel.

and funny enough, i can breath a sigh of relief because God is God.

Isaiah 45:6
"That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the LORD, and there is none else. "

People are amazing.

This is gonna be random.

Here are some favorite Weizel family sayings, that I find amazingly true and, umm amazing.

"Hey, ya never know."

"Fuhgedhabahdit" (Many might realize that this is a NE slang term that many might use, however no one in Texas that I've met uses it. Booya.)

"Everyone's got a story."


thats all i got for now. I leave for DC in a week or so - I can't wait - to get up there and see for myself how i can make a difference, or what i can do.

I'm gonna hit DC hard.


Game 1 : Texas A&M 8
Texas 7

Here are some lyrics from Kanye West's skits on his album College Dropout.

Think about them, they're hilarious and poignent.


School Spirit Skit 1:

Now beat that
And your mothers sayin “go to college”So u finish college and its wonderful
You feel so good
And after all the partying and crazing
And don’t forget about that drug habit u picked up at school bein around your peers
Hey now you’ll get that 25 thou, job a year and
You’ll spend all your money on crack cocaine, but it’ll be you’re your money
No more borrowin money from mom for my high
So now you get ur degree tattooed on your back your so excited about it
If u continue to work at the GAP, after several interviews,
Oh my god!
You’ll come in at an entry level position and when u do that
If u kiss enough ass, you’ll move up to the next level
Which is being a secretary’s secretary!
And boy is that great, you get to take messages for the secretary
Who never went to college
Shes actually the bosses niece, so now you're a part of the family
You know what college does for you?
It makes you really smart man
All you kids want to talk in the back of the class not me, I listened, okI was a hall monitor,
This was meant to be,
You know how many classes I took, extra classes extra classes
No I’ve never had sex but you know what? My degree keeps me satisfied
When a lady walks to me says “hey you know whats sexy?”
I say “no, I don’t know what it is, but I bet I can add up all the change in your purse very fast”.


School Spirit Skit 2:

You keep it going man, you keep those books rolling,
You pick up those books you're going to read
And not remember and you roll man.
You get that associates degree, okay,
Then you get your bachelors, then you get your masters
Then you get your master's masters,
Then you get your doctorate,
You go man, then when everybody says quit
You show them those degree man, when
Everybody says hey, your not working,
Your not making in money,
You say look at my degrees and you look at my life,
Yeah i'm 52, so what, hate all you want,
But i'm smart, i'm so smart, and i'm in school,
And these guys are out here making
Money all these ways, and i'm spended mine to be smart.
You know why?
Because when i die, buddy, you know
What going to keep me warm, that right, those degrees



Yep, thats what life is all about: money and degrees.