its all about balance isn't it. you say you love one thing and you loathe doing it. you say you want to do something and you don't go and do it. things get in the way. and i i have a hypothesis that most of the time these things that get in the way are not legitimate. or at the very least - aren't things that are going to really make you happy in the long run. ya know?

i'm surprised, too. and i still wish you read.

And I'm complaining.

Wow, I'm blindsided again. Dan Reiter just passed away - a car accident on Spring Cypress. Ya know, Spring Cypress - the road I travel multiple time each day. Ya know, Dan Reiter from high school. oh wow. i'm so like... i don't have words to type -i just paused and thought about what to type and i don't know. i'm alive. Andrea Gent, William Minor, David Gilbert, Walker Best, and Dan Reiter are not. and i'm complaining about my internship - about driving in traffic and not getting paid, and being bored, and being frustrated. wow. i feel so dumb. i feel so selfish and so dumb and so weird. dan's time was up, and i'm still here. all of these friends' time was up and i've been given more. why do i keep finding things that are wrong. why do i keep finding things to be upset about... i know it can't keep all joyful all the time... maybe i can - the thing i remember about dan reiter is that he never was not smiling and always joyful and - i mean - i know people say that about a lot of people who passed away - but he really did it - he really lived joyfully and servant-hearted and with energy. i didn't keep up with him the past few years but what i remember of him and what i'm confident of is that he was continuing to do s0 - in service and in his life and relationships. oh wow. and i'm complaining. and i'm upset and i'm selfish. i feel so weird and i don't know why - its not like he's on my speed dial or anything - its just familiarity and a reality check i guess. what on earth? why am i so upset by this? why have i let things frustrate me - and other things take my focus. i'm totally zoned really weird right now. i know the Lord is good and His plans are so great. i know this. i'm confident of this in the long run. Lord, I'm so sorry. Dan, I'm so sorry. Family, I'm so sorry. My attitude is so bad, Lord, wipe me out - clean out my mind and break my heart and wash me through. Make me relateable, and make me proud and make me joyful and make me dependent on you and not on myself. make me happy and fill me with your perspective, your wisdom and your joy - but most of all your love. shower the reiters with your love and perspective and wisdom right now. Lord, i beg your peace and i beg you. i beg you.

76 acres in Henderson, TX - my family owns a ranch. wow. crazy. what a blessing. its 1.5 hr from Dallas, 30 mins. from Tyler, 2.75 from College Station.

Just so everyone knows.

The FBI is cool, i enjoy interning there.

I think I'm going to spend 2.2 weeks in the beginning of August in Washington, D.C. and New York City. 2 cities I love and want to visit people in. YES.

Let me know if I can sleep on a couch...

just get me out of the country. i wanna see things. i wanna see big things. i have the rest of my life to see things on the middle level. i wanna see things that i wouldn't be expected to see.

why is there so much more, and its so hard to see it.


why is God's timing so crazy/so right on?


i guess sometimes i doubt that it's so right on.


why am i doing an unpaid internship for 40 hours a week?

why are some people content on never leaving their comfort zone?

why do some people not want to confront hard issues? why do some people not like confrontation? i mean no one loves confrontation, but some people go to ignorantly insane lengths to avoid it... that makes me upset.
why can't i get to bed earlier?

in the mean time i guess i'll keep going, taking rest under the Lord's hand.